Kissy-Wissy Snookums Pie

[Quincunx]

"I'll call Minta and we'll settle this right now!" Tzimfemme barked.

 

"Oh, don't," groaned Rydia, burying her face in her shawl and envisioning the mess, all the while swerving around the other booths.

 

"I've never paid for it in my life, and what's more important, I've never charged for it either!" The naked mage cut back and forth across Rydia's path, pacing twice as fast as the winged elf walked. "You haven't looked past my costume lately. If money's mixed up in it, I won't do it! If you need to open a kissing booth, you can put up and pucker up, you pallid, vapid--"

 

"Thallid? Bad squid? Canid? Mermid?"

 

"What's a mermid?" asked Rydia.

 

"When'd you get here?" asked Tzimfemme.

 

Minta skipped figure-eights around Rydia and Tzimfemme, reciting, "Mermids are katydids that got tired of air flying an' decided to go diving instead an' they fly inna water nownow an' mermaid kids catch them an' put them in seashells to make underwater kazoos," she finished, and sidestepped Rydia's grab. "Whatcha doin'?"

 

"We're making the most disgusting pie in the world," Tzimfemme intoned. Rydia's ear curled into a ?.

 

"More gross than sour mash durian meringue pie an' lumpy toejam sauce?" Minta guessed.

 

Tzimfemme nodded.

 

"More gross than frost-bitten sea cucumber pie with wet gobbie nose crust?" persisted Minta.

 

"It is. It's. . .Kissy-Wissy Snookums Pie."

 

Minta stopped mid-skip, clamped her hands over her ears, and shrieked one long continuous I-can't-hear-you note. Tzimfemme unleashed a drawn-and-quartered grin over her head, straight at Rydia. Rydia didn't feel the smile. She also halted and stood still for a minute, eartips quivering, before reflecting a real smile back at the naked mage. "I think this could work. . . ."

 

*****

 

Rydia sat on the counter of the booth and twirled an aluminum pie tin, mesmerized by the light glinting off of its surface. Minta kneeled in the sagging awning and ran up the skull an' pixystix flag on the tallest support. It fell to Tzimfemme, mumbling to herself and trying to work out how this came to be, to finish lettering the sign:

 

KISSY-WISSY SNOOKUMS PIE

 

Create a pie for your favorite Quincunx personality!

No Entry Fee ~ Pie Tin is Yours to Keep

Whoever chooses your pie will pay for it with a kiss!

 

The Legalese:

 

5 Gold Awarded per Pieticipation. Limit Five Kisses.

Pies Need Not be Edible, just Enticing

Any Quincunx Character can be the Object of a Pie

Any Quincunx Character may Accept a Pie

(Characters will Arrange Own Transportation if not Present)

Edited July 14, 2005 by Quincunx

[The Portrait of Zool]

It wasn't too long before the Quincunx noticed a lumbering burlap covered bulk slowly making it's way towards their booth. Ants can carry 25 times their weight, and that is exactly the image brought to mind by the massive rectangular sail perched on the frail legs of Grimmael.

 

Staggering somewhat from it's course, the strange sight arrived at the Quincunx accompanied by grunts, gasps, and wheezes, but did not immediately set down. Hovering unsteadily, the painting tilted slightly, then trembled a bit. With more grunts, and perhaps a few semi-silent curses, a large folding easel was snapped open with the flick of one unseen hand from behind the bulk and set onto the grass. Then, ever so slowly, almost ominously slowly, the huge package swung around, then back, scarily back, until when one thought it must never stop but would continue falling to the ground, but finally alighted into place onto the easel with a touch as light as a ghost.

 

Grimmael dropped limply to the grass like a chainmail suit that had suddenly lost it's soldier under the shadow of his enormous burden.

 

"Uhh... Hello..." came a hushed voice from under the rough fabric.

 

Grimmael did not answer, but lay in a heap, panting heavily.

 

"Umm... Grimmael... we aren't finished yet... I'm still covered!" hissed the voice in a loud whisper.

 

Grimmael sighed, a hoarse rushing panting sigh that even made Tzimfemme wince. With much effort he reached up from where he lay and began pulling on one end of the voluminous cover. Working hand over hand, eventually the other end went over the top and slid down the front, burying Grimmael under a pile of burlap and revealling the Portrait of Zool.

 

"Well hello!" boomed Zool with a bright smile and a bow. Dressed in his traditional black leather trimmed in red, his voo-bah hairdo seemed particularly flamboyant today, his mischievous grin particularly wide. "I take it we are at the Quincunx 'Kissy-Wissy Snookums Pie' kissing booth?" he asked, thankfully lowering his voice to normal and taking in the sign and bemusedly curious faces at the booth. "Maahvelos. Ladies, and child, I am honored to be here. Please allow me to present to you your very own Kissy-Wissy Snookums Pie..."

 

Minta shrieked, and lacking any undead protection dove behind the counter. Zool paused, as though expecting something else to happen, but nothing did. Holding his pose, his painted eyes slowly turned to look towards the ground. As stealthily as he could, feeling all eyes on him, he signalled frantically to Grimmael. "Psst. Psssst! Grimmael! the pie! We need to give the pie!" Looking back up, he threw a strained smile at the remaining two of the Quincunx.

 

A moment passed before the huge pile of dull cloth in front of the portrait stirred, then it parted as a skinny arm slowly emerged from between the great folds, holding up... an empty pie tin.

 

Tzimfemme groaned and rolled her eyes, turning and walking to the back of the booth, but Rydia arose to receive the tin, murmuring, "Shiny..."

 

As she approached the offered pie, and looked into it's shining interior, she stopped, and froze, her eyes widening in fascination, her face reflecting multiple bright hues and colors. The deeper she looked, the deeper she was drawn.

 

"I can't cook, because my arms are only depicted ones, so I am afraid a more traditional pie was out of the question," blurted Zool, who suddenly felt the need to talk fast. "Of course I can't paint either, but Grimmael can, he was an artist in a life long ago..." Zool looked down towards the great pile of burlap, and seeing it didn't stir realized just how exhausted Grimmael must be. "One of rather great renown..." A foot shot out of the bottom of the pile, trembling with a spastic warning. Zool decided that was enough, and continued with his explanation. "...so the pie you see before you was painted by Grimmael under my direction and imbued with certain magical qualities from my own enchanted pigments as well," Zool said with another bow.

 

"It... It's so..." intoned Rydia, her face a study of fascination.

 

"Yes," agreed Zool proudly. "It is THE Kissy-Wissy Snookums Pie, a painting fantasy of young romantic love. There are actually a myriad of magical scenes within the pie. As each scene is focused upon it alone expands to fill the full attention of the observer. Each scene is designed to evoke sensations experienced in Kissy-Wissy Snookums love. For instance, here we see the suitor bringing a small but endearing gift to the young lady - a flower, or is that a teddy bear? Ah well, it doesn't really matter - notice how he had brought it through that battlefield, littered with shrapnel, barbed wire, mines, demons, snipers, and the occasional pyrotechnic explosion..."

 

"Oooh!" said Rydia.

 

"...uh, yes. This next scene is a lover's picnic at a golden sunset. Here our young lovers have felicitously brought a small supper into a beautiful meadow when suddenly the low sun lights the sky up a brilliant gold, casting a godlike glow over everything. Words of passion drop like molten gold from your lover's tongue, and then you both are running like children through the fields of your dreams, the meadow a golden paradise and the fabric from your clothes streaming behind you like a Maxfield Parrish vision."

 

"Aaah!" said Rydia, her eyes wide.

 

"...yess. In the next scene," continued Zool, somewhat looking askance at Rydia, "We find our young Kissy-Wissy Snookums Pie lovers striking out all on their own for the very first time. As they enter the mansion her daddy bought them and sit in the furniture given to them at their storybook wedding reception, he contemplates how he will ever make the top level job his father has given him work, while she counts the silver and polishes the chandeliers. Together they settle down to enjoy a long blissful domestitude."

 

"Uuuh..." repeated Rydia, her face glowing with the brilliant colors from each scene of the painted pie in turn.

 

"There are others but I think you get the picture. Ya know, Cupid's arrows have the keenest edge, but sting like marshmallows, covered in pixie stix sauce. Of course the primal motivation for romance is only alluded to obliquely in Kissy-Wissy Snookums practice, so I have stuck to the model. Isn't it odd that Cupid is always depicted nekkid?"

 

"It's so... shiiiny!" ejaculated Rydia.

 

"Uhh... yeah... that too, I suppose... umm... hello?"

Edited July 17, 2005 by The Portrait of Zool

[Sweetcherrie]

The carnival wasn’t as busy as usual yet, but that would change. Fred was happily bouncing from booth to booth, and miss Ann was following him. He had whined for hours about the trade a pie for a kiss booth, and finally she had given in. Together they had baked a cake, and it had turned out pretty ok, at least according to Fred.

 

The cake had six layers, but because Fred had been too enthusiastic he had opened the oven too early, and the layers had sunken in like a plum pudding. Ann hadn’t been too happy when Fred had put the layers together, she didn’t think the different flavours would go well together, but he had been determined that it had to be this combination. The first layer was a spongy cake layer, and it had been soaked in rum, the second layer was some sort of vanilla cream, and the third was made of chocolate cookie dough. If he had stopped at that it still might have come out sort of edible, but then he had added the fourth layer; boiled carrots mashed until they were nothing more then some unidentifiable orange mush that was so thing you could drink it. Fred had said that he liked carrots and that therefore other people would have to like it as well.

 

Ann had tried reasoning with him, but he had answered that it was his cake, and that he would decide what would go on it. The fifth layer was one of boiled eggs mixed with garlic and mayonnaise, because that was what his mom always served on parties. The whole had been covered with some sort of crumbled cake, and Fred had decided that it would taste good on top of a cake like this. With whipped cream he had drawn figures on top of the pie that were supposed to be stars, but looked more like little white turds. Ann had sighed when they had taken the cake out of the oven, it had looked ridiculous all flat, and it was a good thing that they had put a proper tin around it, because even with the tin around t the carrot mush was dripping. She had drained as much carrot from it as possible, but there was still a large amount of orange juice drifting on top of the pie. They had put a box around it and had went on their way.

 

Now Ann was carrying the box with the cake in it, while Fred bounced over the beach. Once he tripped and he’d gotten all his clothes covered in sand. He’d almost cried, because he wanted to look his best when he traded the cake for a kiss, but Ann had managed to smooth things out by saying that most people would probably be covered in sand. After this he hadn’t worried about it anymore. Sometimes people spoke to him as if he was like any other, but then Ann would step in and explain that Fred was special, and give the person a wink that cleared up why a man who looked about thirty was acting as a ten-year old.

 

Finally they came to the ‘Kissy-Wissy Snookums Pie’ booth, and Fred fell silent. It was almost as if he had suddenly become shy and, if Ann didn’t know better, a bit afraid. The reason of his awe became clear only moments later; Fred had been staring at Rydia. He was looking at her ears, and bounced over. Totally ignoring that someone else was already talking to her, and that she had her attention with something that looked very shiny.

 

“Can I touch them?”

 

Ann tried to apologize for Fred’s behaviour, and wanted to smooth it all out by offering the pie to Rydia, but Fred was already stretching out his hand. Never before had he seen such long ears, they were beautiful, and he wished he had ears like that.

[Quincunx]

"It's wonderfully shiny, but there's just one thing I don't understand," commented Rydia, gazing into the depths of the pie tin, "why is there a giant hand waving in front of the scene?"

 

"That's my hand," Tzimfemme sighed, as she tried to get Rydia's attention. Minta peered over the top of the counter, stretched and wrinkled her face at the icky-yucky-kissy-wissy pictures, then dived deeper into the booth. A cloud of brilliant purple anti-cootie spray billowed up from her landing spot, thick as stewed gumdrops. Tzimfemme drew her hand back and waved it in front of her face instead, keeping the air clear; Rydia inhaled some spray and coughed, breaking eye contact with the tin.

 

"Oh!" she coughed, "the--" cough! "--kiss! Sorry, I got distracted," cough, cough, as her ears paddled drafts of fresher air downwards. Rydia looked over at Zool's portrait, then down at the ground (Grimmael was either too smothered or too exhausted to be affected by the spray), then squinted at a point just to the left of the booth itself. "Is that far enough away, do you think, Tzimfemme?"

 

Tzimfemme shook her head. "No, no, you want the focal point to be closer, so the edges will be more crisp. Let me hold the pie tin for a moment, or it'll blind us all." She reached over the counter, took the tin in one hand, and pointed at a spot about an earlength away from Rydia's head with the other. "Right there should do. Are your ears set properly?"

 

Rydia canted one ear forward on the side closer to Tzimfemme. "Ready!" she called.

 

FLASH

 

Zool blinked, trying to clear the spots and the large dark patch out of his vision. Rydia flickered her ears, then lifted up her hand in front of her face and wiggled her fingers. "Weird!" whispered the silhouette, in an echo of Rydia's voice. Rydia turned her head from side to side, and remarked, "Zool. . .you're going to have to approach me. . .I think I lose my lips this way, so I have to hold still."

 

"Hurry up!" called Tzimfemme from beyond the blazing light. "This spell is supposed to be instant! I'm having trouble maintaining it."

 

"You look perfectly fine to me," Zool told the silhouette, two-dimensionally. Still, Rydia herself stood sideways, with her lips out in an exaggerated pucker, so Zool had to go to the silhouette. Rubber chicken flopped out of his arms and lay at the bottom of the portrait, clucking and brooding, when Zool took the silhouette's hands in his and kissed it on the lips. The light flashed and flickered, brighter than before--and burnt out.

 

Rydia rubbed her eyes, squinting and swaying lightly on her feet. Tzimfemme held up the pie tin, and Rydia cooed, "shiny," but with less than her usual enthusiasm. Nonetheless, she followed the tin as Tzimfemme directed her to lean against the booth, then handed the Kissy-Wissy Snookums Pie Tin back to her. "Shiny," she breathed again, and sank back into the scenes with a gentle ear-flutter. The naked mage looked out of the corner of her eye at Zool, who was looking a bit fluttery himself.

[Wyvern]

The smell invaded the area the moment that Wyvern set his foot through the Conservatory door. Soot, charcoal, and the inescapable stench of burnt seaweed flooded the lines of Snookums pie fanatics. Wyvern moved forward like an almost dragonic wraith, his brightly colored cart contrasting with his darkened scales. Rydia winced a little more with each approaching step. She hid Zool's pie with a final polish, and watched as Wyvern cut in front of a familiar-looking prince carrying a frog-shaped pie and a multi-colored hankerchief. The lizard struck an unabashed grin in the direction of the Quincunx, his jagged teeth seeming irregularly clean given his composure.

 

"Greetings, ladies." Wyvern sneered and rubbed a claw on his chest, causing a patch of soot to fall off. "Here to drop off my first installment of Almost Dragonic Brand Kissy-Hissy Snookums Pies™, if you don't mind."

 

"Excuse me." The prince behind Wyvern raised a finger. "I rather do mind, I-"

 

"The horror." Tzimfemme rubbed a hand over her temple and let out a sigh. "The pies are less gothic, I hope? We have stomaches you know."

 

"Oh, don'tcha worry, those pies are ashes. I actually gave'em a proper burial and sprinkled their remains over Celes Crusador's Cafe floors, around where the oven used to be."

 

"Used to be?"

 

"Excuse me." The prince raised a finger. "But I believe that I was first in line, so-"

 

"Well." Tzimfemme slumped back. "Why don't you get it over with?"

 

"Without further ado." Wyvern bowed, causing a cloud of soot to fill the air. "Wait until you check out this first pie, it'sss a real treat."

 

With that, Wyvern grabbed a bright red cloth on the front of the cart and tossed it over his shoulder. He then snatched the bright purple cloth underneath it and tossed it over his other shoulder, revealing a platter with a magnificent metal lid. Wyvern then threw the lid over his head, and spread his scaly arms in a bow. Tzimfemme eyed the platter's contents with a blank stare. A pie tin full of sliced apples, none of them cooked.

 

"This looks like it must have taken a lot of time to make." Tzim growled through clenched teeth.

 

"Oh yeah." Wyvern winked. "Cutting apples on a day like this is definitely a chore. I call it Almost Dragonic Brand Nekkid Apple Pie Substitute™. See? There's no pie crust covering the apples, or any sugar or spices for that matter."

 

"What's going on here?"" The prince's voice echoed from within the metal lid and series of cloths that covered his head. "I can't see!"

 

"This next pie is another formidable creation." Wyvern picked up a tiny crumb from his cart with a claw. "I call it Almost Dragonic Brand PiPi™, and it measures at around 3.1605% of a regular piece of pie."

 

Minta hopped out to examine the pebble.

 

"Hmmm, smells like pipi."

 

"That does it!" The prince tossed the last of the cloths from his head and turned. He clenched his frog-shaped pie tightly with one hand. "I've had enough with you, you cad of a lizard. I challenge you to a duel!"

 

Wyvern turned his head just as the prince lunged with his pie. The pastry smashed against the lizard's face, causing an almost dragonic dent in its frog-shape. The prince stormed off from the line, cursing and throwing his hands in the sky.

 

"And here'sss the newest addition to my fine line of pies." Wyvern slowly removed the pie from his face and licked his lips. "I call it Almost Dragonic Brand Mystery Aggravation Pie™, try some. It's pretty good."

 

Rydia raised a brow as she noticed the striking ressemblence the pie tin now bore to Grimmael's face.

 

;-p

[Quincunx]

Fred petted Rydia's ear, base to tip, watching how it flexed and bent nearly horizontal under gentle pressure. "Fred!" Ann shouted, as Rydia dreamily flicked her ear from under his hand, "stop bothering her!"

 

Tzimfemme chuckled, "Bothering her? She hasn't even noticed he's there. . . .What is that?" she added, peering through the cellophane window of the pie box.

 

"It was Fred's idea, I tried to convince him to make a nice cake but he just wouldn't listen!--I'm Ann, hello," replied the visitor. Tzimfemme ignored her outstretched hand after accepting the box and setting it on the counter, instead opening the box and staring at the clods of cream floating in carrot juice. One clod listed to the side, showing its orange-stained underside.

 

"Ew," Tzimfemme remarked, as Minta shimmied up one of the booth's poles to look into the box. Rydia flicked her ear again, but it went nowhere, as Fred had grasped the tip. The ear jerked several times, and slowly, Rydia turned away from the shiny pie tin. Fred gasped, released her ear, and dashed behind Ann, peering out from behind her as Rydia gazed blankly after him.

 

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" reported Minta happily. Several boats, folded out of newspaper, were dissolving and sinking into the lake of carrot juice. "An' the navy goes down to Davy Jones' Locker, an' the blockade is broken, an' the gnomie pirate fleet sails to victory!" She flung gumballs at the boats with appropriate "Boom! Boom!" cannon noises and cheered when another newspaper boat capsized.

 

"If you like the pie that much," Tzimfemme remarked, "you have to pay for it with a kiss, remember?"

 

Minta squealed, "ICKY!" and clambered up onto the roof of the booth. An anti-cootie gem fell from above and splashed into the flotilla, spattering Tzimfemme with carrot juice.

 

to be continued. . .

[Quincunx]

Rydia glanced at the mushy pie, then took in Fred's expression, and let her ears droop slightly. "I don't think anyone here is going to accept the pie," she began.

 

"No kiddin'," remarked Tzimfemme as she flicked droplets of carrot juice off of her skin. Fred flinched as she discarded each speck, and Ann stepped to his side to put an arm around him. Rydia reached under the counter and brought out a vivid green cordless hair dryer. "Thanks," Tzimfemme said, reaching over the tiered cake, but Rydia fumbled her fingers and dropped the dryer with a 'click' and an ear-flick. More carrot juice sprayed out from the platter, propelled by hot air, before Tzimfemme and the hair dryer fell into the cake.

 

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAP!

 

Tzimfemme transmuted into a frizzy-haired, labcoat-wearing. wild-eyed woman. Rydia's eartips spread out like the corners of a smile.

 

"ooOOOooOoooo what is this toasted confection?" cooed Dr. Tzimfemmestien (that's Zim-fem-steen!), bending over and examining the cake, then sticking out her tongue to taste it. "It is most peculiar, it is! You have stacked an entire six-course meatless society dinner!" She roved around the booth to inspect the cake from all angles while Fred hesitantly stretched out his neck to follow her, until she whirled around and leveled a scalpel at him. "I would like to dissect this, I would, if you will permit!"

 

Rydia answered for the stunned outsiders, "This is a kissing booth, Dr. Tzimfemmestien. You have to give him a kiss if you're going to accept his pie."

 

Dr. Tzimfemmestien's face lit up. "I will, of course!" she crowed, dropping the scalpel back into her labcoat pocket, and swept Fred into an energetic embrace; his arms and legs flailed as she tipped him backwards and kissed him noisily. Rydia backed away from the scene and Ann put her hands to her mouth in horror. The mad doctor set Fred back onto his feet, then turned back to the pie and spoke to it while unsheathing the scalpel again.

[Quincunx]

Dr. Tzimfemmestien had eviscerated the cake, and each layer now rested on a separate flimsy paper plate as she funneled the carrot pulp into a screw-top glass jar. Rydia nibbled on a slice of vanilla rum cake while Minta picked crumb topping out of a pile of cream and crumbles, until the elf scooped up a chunky bite from the chocolate-chip-cookie-dough layer and held the fork near Dr. Tzimfemmestien's face. The mad doctor gulped without noticing the contents. . .

 

The labcoat vaporized, along with the manic glee.

 

"Chocolate," Tzimfemme sighed, half-shutting her eyes. She munched quietly, and Rydia began hiding the mashed carrots under the counter, until something detonated nearby. Tzimfemme's head whipped around and her eyes widened.

 

"HIT THE DECK!" she bellowed, and she and Rydia leaped over the counter. Two plates flipped into the air and flung crumbs into the booth before fluttering to the ground. Fred put both hands on the counter and pushed himself over, and Rydia pushed him down below counter level. Ann looked over her shoulder to see what had caused the noise, but twisted away shrieking, pressing her hands over her eyes.

 

"What wazzat?" whispered Minta after the noise faded away.

 

"AARKaSL," Tzimfemme replied, crouching and peeping over the edge of the counter. "What's it doing here?"

 

"Maybe Astralis got his copy to work," offered the gnomie. Rydia rolled her eyes. Tzimfemme harrumphed and squinted her eyes at the far booth. Fred stared at the short little person, leaning forward, and caught Tzimfemme's heel with his forehead as she leaped back over the counter.

 

"Hold the booth, Rydia, I've got to get over there!" she shouted back while running towards the source of the commotion. Rydia ignored her as she tipped Fred's head gently upwards and pointed a light healing spell at his bruise.

Edited September 5, 2005 by Quincunx

[Wyvern]

Wyvern scurries back to the Kissy-Wissy Snookums Pie booth as fast as his scaly legs can carry him. The mingled soot and Mystery Aggravation Pie™ that once covered the lizard's snout are gone, replaced by a confident grin and a full-scale chef smock and hat. The "elegent" suit is coloured in a manner that would make even the most devoted of Dr. Seuss fanatics proud, gushing rainbow brights like a fairy blowtorch gone haywire. The reptilian Elder strikes a toothy grin as he parks his sheathed cart in front of the designated booth area. He tips his hat and bows to the Quincunx, then raises a claw to his chest and sticks his chin up proudly.

 

"Here with my second installment of Almost Dragonic Brand Kissy-Hissy Snookums Pies.™ W-w-wait, before you turn to wander off, I'll have you know that I've labeled this inssstallment 'Gourmet Edition.' They're actually cooked! Feassst yer eyes on these."

 

Wyvern uncovers the first of the new pies with a flourish, revealing a silver platter seating an odd concoction. The darkened crust of the circular pie seems to oscilate with two large bulges around the edges, and dips into an ugly hole at the center. The area of the crevice glows with a strange luminous light, casting a dim hue on the rest of the pie. A peacock feather juts from center of the hole as an awkward decoration.

 

"I like to call thisss first piece the 'Achilles Double-Kidney Pie.'" Wyvern's forked tongue sticks from his maw. "It doesn't have the numeric parallel of a Triple-Kidney Pie, but the spot of the third kidney has been filled with Swiftness Potion-enhanced E-Z Whip. Consumption of this delicacy will surely result in a quickening of the sssenses, as well as the bowels. It'll also glow in the dark for as long as the E-Z Whip ingredient remains, and can be used as a perfect nightlight for cutting pies."

 

Wyvern grin broadens as his claw moves to the second item on his cart. His claw digs into a large wooden box that rests there, and pulls out a large jagged mass of crust. An upsidedown goose foot waves on the top of the shapeless mess of "pie," and a grapevine trails from its side.

 

"This one'sss called 'The Picnic Massacre/Omnivore's Delight Pie.' It doesn't serve any special purpose, but is pretty much guaranteed to have at least one ingredient that you'll really like in it. The pie features: celery sticks, tender strawberries, honey-nutmeg mix, fresh grapes, everything bagels, chocolate chip cookies, three varieties of oriental seafood, sweet raspberries, large turnips, green nuts, lentil soup, wild goose, raw tuna, hot dates (*nudge nudge*), salty potatoes, duck kebabs, and a pie tin somewhere in there. Indullllge."

 

Wyvern lifts the crust ball with a grunt, then sets it beside the Achilles Double Kidney Pie. The lizard cackles with glee and begins rubbing his scaly claws together.

 

"And now, for my final and most diabolical pie creation to date. Bring it in guys!"

 

Two Elder Dwarves draped in monk robes slowly enter through the Conservatory entrance, each clutching one half of an alter. On top of the alter rests a sealed ebony platter. The dwarves hum in low voices as they set the alter next to Wyvern's cart, and back away as the lizard approaches.

 

"I presssent to you... the Doom Pie!"

 

Wyvern raises the lid from the platter with a trembling claw. A billow of black smoke rises from the inside of the tray for a moment, blinding observant spectators and causing them to cough. Once the smoke has cleared, the "face" of the pie is revealed... The dark crust of the pastry is badly burnt in three locations, causing the circular formation to take the appearence of a skull. Resting within the "eye socket" burns of the pie are two green gems, which gleam mischievously in the light.

 

"Baked within the Alternating Repeating Kendricke and Scorn Launcher (RIP) and adorned with the fabled Gemstones of Tarnished Souls, this pie makes most pastries lose their flavour with looks alone. The pie itself is tasteless (please, consider its ingredients), but it has been prophecisized that once the pie is thrown, it will connect with its target regardless of circumstances. It shall be used once, and only once, and will fufill some mysterious fate. Despite the pie's menacing name and appearence, it is uncertain if this concoction will cause a positive or negative outcome upon its impact. It may be something comic and trivial, or could result in something devastating and brutal. What is known is that it will have some effect. Until the moment that it is thrown, the pie can be spun as a hypnotism device, courteousy of its gemstone "eyes." Furthermore, anyone that takes a bite out of the pie will not be able to voice an argument for a full twenty four hours."

 

Having stated this, Wyvern swings into a deep bow, causing his rainbow chef hat to fall to the floor.

 

;-)