"Starlight" by Mynx and Cryptomancer

[Sweetcherrie]

The story can be found here

 

I think both characters are very real, and realistic as well. I felt at least that I could relate to them, although because of the speed the second post goes through the story Aysia comes across as some sort of superwoman there, and it feels it might need some more detailing in that part.

 

The changes that the characters go through are well described, but again the second post could use some more detail. However, it’s easy enough to feel with the characters.

 

I think the story line is well laid out and the objective of the story is clear, although at certain points it feels as if your rhythm in writing is uneven. Cryptomancer takes more time to explain things and paint the picture, while Mynx is more focused on the actions taken.

 

I loved the idea of the tattoo and the circles, and think that it’s a really good image to show the progress of learning.

 

When Aysia’s parents are murdered it cause some confusion with me and I almost thought it had been the runemage that had done it. It might be better to change this somehow, because until it became clear that it hadn’t been him, I felt antipathy for him. Then again if this was what you were trying to do…it worked.

 

When the runemage was attacked, it felt as if it needed more drama. It was hard to imagine that it was such a big problem, since it had obviously been self-defence and at the moment I’m trying very hard not to think Aysia being a bit snotty, for not seeing this. Again if you’re aiming for this, fine of course, but continuing too long on this line, might make it harder to like Aysia.

 

One last thing I noticed that in certain parts the word dreamt was used and blest, now I’m not entirely sure what the difference is between dreamt and dreamed, and blest and blessed, but it feels as if it’s the same. If so it would be better to stick with one…oh I asked in IRC and they said it was dreamt and blessed…Still no idea which is correct, but consistency in that might be good.

 

In general a well-written story, and I’ll try to keep up following it.

 

Edit: the discussion continued in IRC and apparently both dreamt and dreamed is allowed, I still think that consistency in the use of one of those would be good though.

Edited June 25, 2005 by Sweetcherrie

[Mynx]

Thanks for the comments Sweet!

It's good to know that our story is being enjoyed by someone and always good to know which areas need work.

I'll see if I can answer a few things here...

 

I see your point about our different writing styles. The reason I have left my posts as they are is simply because (for now) the story is told from the runemage's point of view. I didn't want to intrude with too many posts about Aysia's background and just wanted to get enough down to show why she hates mages so much and where she learnt most of her skills.

I spose she does sound like a bit of a superwoman...

When we finish the story I'm going to go back and rework it but for now I think I'll leave it as is.

 

Sorry for the confusion about the murder of Aysia's parents. Cronologically, the runemage hadn't even considered learning the art at that point, but it is that memory that fuels Aysia's hatred of what he undertakes.

In her eyes mages only seek power and will kill for it. The runemage seems fine, and is trying to point this out to Aysia, but she remains cautious, expecially when the art acts on its own.

 

When the runemage was attacked and the art defended him, in my mind Aysia's reaction is fitting. She has no qualms about fighting in defence (sometimes not even in attack), and would kill for her survival.

It is the fact that instead of using a non magical method of fighting as defence, the runemage "lost control" of his magic.

Aysia is very pigheaded in her opinion of Mages, yes, and it is really only the fact that she knew the runemage before he started learning the art and developed a strong friendship with him that prevents her from running.

In her mind, there is no excuse for losing control of the art. In her mind, the runemage should have fought as they had practised together, and not used magic.

Her closeminded opinion of magecraft is what stops her from seeing his point of view.

Yeah, I know it's kinda hard to like Aysia when she refuses to see reason over this, but in a way it's kinda what I have intended for her.

Rest assured, eventually (and I use that term loosly at the moment) she'll come around.

 

As for the grammer, you'll have to ask Crypt...I don't think I used those words...(did I?)...

 

Glad you like it though!

As I said before, when we finish we'll do a major edit and review of it, but for now we just want to get the story told.