Peredhil Posted June 24, 2005 Report Posted June 24, 2005 With coltish grace and energy she prances to the music she hears with inner ears; She listens to hear her Muse as she breaks into dance and dances on breaks - She's full of life: the world she takes on in her own course and way. She's now unknown but who tells the future what to be, who knows the coming day? Through reddish hair see flashing eyes of humor so smart. What will she do? Who will she be? Anticipation, we'll wait and see. Smart and funny yes but her smile hides a temper that defends her friends; Warm heart and hands, wise eyes and quick tongue to comment on life's idiocy - She knows she's eternal, one of God's young girls but she's living full and free. It's the simple things that are complex and she's a puzzle to me. Blue eyes play hide-n-seek and her lightning smile will shock the world. What will she be? Who will she be? Anticipation, we'll wait and see. Youth's a budding flower trembling on the edge wanting to burst on out on life. A hidden promise unfolding slowly unrushed in growing at perfect pace. What will she be? What will she do? Anticipation, until she's through.
Sweetcherrie Posted June 25, 2005 Report Posted June 25, 2005 (edited) The images this gave me were happy and joyful. Very refreshing, almost as if the girl danced into my screen only... What will she do? Who will she be? Anticipation, we'll wait and see. What will she be? Who will she be? Anticipation, we'll wait and see. What will she be? What will she do? Anticipation, until she's through. first and second time, I swear I read "Who will she do?" in that third one... Not sure on how that could be changed though, (for one it probably has to do with the fact that I've been hanging around in the Scarlett Pen too much lately ) but it felt strange to go from What/Who in the first and second to What/What in the third. I can also see how you would like the last do to rhyme with through, maybe use What/What everywhere? I'm nitpicking anyways, and it's only my opinion. (and since I'm far from being a professional, it would probably be best to just ignore it ) Thank you for posting this joyfull image, that way I can go back to it, and have her dancing into my screen every now and then *huggles and dances away wondering what she will be* Edit: aaand I've suddenly remembered what song was playing in my head while reading this "Jean Jaques Goldman - Et l'on n'y peut rien", lots of fluits and violins Edited June 25, 2005 by Sweetcherrie
Peredhil Posted June 25, 2005 Author Report Posted June 25, 2005 Heh, "who will she do" is *not* what I had intended! The coda works better when sung in my mind, because of a tempo change to set it off.
Wyvern Posted June 25, 2005 Report Posted June 25, 2005 Interesting... I also really liked this poem and found the free verse well-phrased, but got something slightly different out of it than Sweetcherrie did. While the poem struck me as very positive and upbeat for the most part, the last line of the piece had a very different resonance to me. "Anticipation, until she's through" read to me as "Anticipation never fufilled," and seemed to crush the hopes that were set throughout the rest of the poem. Uncertain if this was intended... if not, you might want to consider rewording that line. Nicely done.
Peredhil Posted June 25, 2005 Author Report Posted June 25, 2005 Actually in a way, that's a good catch. I tend to have a bad habit of writing on multiple levels. Even worse, when I'm writing or talking to/for someone else, I don't listen to myself - one reason I love the Pen and it's feedback. It forces me to reexamine what I've done. I realized a long time ago that being the Internet Uncle or Papa Peredhil, I'd be opening up my heart and love to people who needed to be loved. The thing is, once people heal, and grow, they strike out on their own - and as it should be, they leave surrogate parents (or real ones) behind as they deal with the immediacy and issues of living and life. If I'm truly loving someone, I won't make them dependent on me, or guilty at not thinking of me. The flip side of giving love freely and not expecting a "pay-back" is that people move on and out, and I often don't see what happens. I love the anticipation of seeing into what a person will grow, what type of flower with which they blossom, or the fulfillment into reality of potentials I knew they had but they had to be to believe. Often though, I don't see the results once they've outgrown the need for my support. That's a good thing - but sometimes leads to wistful thoughts.
Ayshela Posted June 26, 2005 Report Posted June 26, 2005 wonderful piece, and so very glad to see you writing again! one thing that caught my proofreader's eye and stopped me dead in my tracks: With coltish grace and energy she praces to the music she hears with inner ears; is that "prances" or "paces"? in context i'd *guess* "prances" - but that's an assumption, and assumptions are unsafe at best. honestly, it could be either, and which it is would really alter the meaning.
Peredhil Posted June 26, 2005 Author Report Posted June 26, 2005 Good catch. It was supposed to be prances.
Savage Dragon Posted June 28, 2005 Report Posted June 28, 2005 im amazed at how closely this reminds me of a friend that i have as well, well excepting that only my dad is in the room and hes not paying attention
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