HappyBuddha Posted June 24, 2005 Report Posted June 24, 2005 Sink, these car spangled streets bulletproof eyes exhaling bus brakes windows that reflect the light inside, but fail to hide the darkness outside
Sweetcherrie Posted June 24, 2005 Report Posted June 24, 2005 *reads* *rereads* *reads again and blinks* hmm...I'm the last person to claim to understand your poetry, half the time it just doesn't seem to get through to me, but this leaves me with the cold feeling of the cruel world outside. People are getting colder and colder and care less and less about others. Once on a school trip to Amsterdam my friend and I were in a funny mood, and we decided to experiment a bit. We were going to try and look people in the eyes, and see how many would actually have the guts to look back. We were both about sixteen years old, but were obviously still seen as a threat. When we looked people in the eyes they turned their heads away, as if they were affraif of the human contact. This poem to me reflects that fear in people, fear to reach out to others, and with that creating a world that gets less and less humane to live in. Thank you for writing this. I have no idea if this is what you meant with it, but the images it gave me were lively and although they're not exactly happy images, it's good to be remembered of them. It's the only way to prevent us from doing the same. *huggles warmly and goes on a crusade to spread some more warmth*
HappyBuddha Posted June 25, 2005 Author Report Posted June 25, 2005 (edited) Lonely these car spangled streets bulletproof eyes, the startling serpent hiss of bus brakes. yet unable to exhale, cold, stale streams of cigarette flavored breath in whose windows dark bodies break reflected tinsel, cloaking the glare that masks looming streets beyond better...we're getting there...need some constructive commentary here Edited June 25, 2005 by HappyBuddha
HappyBuddha Posted June 25, 2005 Author Report Posted June 25, 2005 Lonely these car spangled streets bulletproof eyes, the startling serpent hiss of bus brakes. yet unable to exhale, cold, stale streams of heavy breath in whose windows dark bodies break reflected tinsel, cloaking the glare that masks looming streets beyond cloooser... (thanks for the help, Sweet!)
HappyBuddha Posted June 25, 2005 Author Report Posted June 25, 2005 (edited) alone car spangled streets bulletproof eyes, the startling serpent hiss of bus brakes. yet unable to exhale, cold, stale streams of alcohol-tinged breath in these windows dark bodies break reflected tinsel, unmasking looming streets beyond. Hmm...I do believe I may be done - any thoughts? Edited June 25, 2005 by HappyBuddha
Ayshela Posted June 26, 2005 Report Posted June 26, 2005 "car spangled streets" is absolutely brilliant, and i'm glad and relieved that you've left that unchanged. "bulletproof eyes" - i find myself wondering whether you mean the safety glass of vehicles or of buildings, or the determined avoidance of pedestrians? "the startling serpent hiss of bus brakes." - nicely illustrated, i can hear them as i read this. "yet unable to exhale, cold, stale streams of alcohol-tinged breath" - in either this or the previous version, the "who" or "what" is left unclear, along with the "why" for the inability. The first and last stanzas are pretty clear, but the middle leaves me going "hunh?" You've so much really good stuff packed in here, it's a shame to leave it clouded by confusion.
Wyvern Posted June 28, 2005 Report Posted June 28, 2005 Good poem, Happybuddha. :-) I really like the mood and tone that the piece sets, and think that the industrial street violence imagery works well. I found the original and evocative details that you incorporated throughout it excellent, particularly the "serpent hiss of bus brakes" and the "car spangled streets." The phrase "unmasking looming streets beyond" feels a bit more "highbrow" to me then the rest of the poem, and you might consider rephrasing it to fit the more "Down to Earth" tone of the rest of the piece. Other than that, I'd really like to see more poetry at some point. ;-p P.S: would you like the topic title changed to "alone"?
Two Posted June 28, 2005 Report Posted June 28, 2005 Happybuddha, I would humbly suggest the original title is best. Sink
HappyBuddha Posted July 1, 2005 Author Report Posted July 1, 2005 alone car spangled streets bulletproof eyes, the startling serpent hiss of bus brakes meets my cold, stale streams of alcohol-tinged breath in these windows dark bodies break reflected tinsel, silhouetting looming streets beyond. I feel like 'silhouetting' captures better the image I was reaching for - I'm more nervous about my modifications of the central stanza. I'm hesitantly sticking with this title (and would appreciate it if the post title was renamed Wyv ). Opinions are *very* welcome.
HappyBuddha Posted July 1, 2005 Author Report Posted July 1, 2005 (edited) alone car spangled streets bulletproof eyes, the startling serpent hiss of bus brakes meeting my cold, stale streams of alcohol-tinged breath in these windows dark bodies break reflected tinsel, silhouetting looming streets beyond. I feel like 'silhouetting' captures better the image I was reaching for - I'm more nervous about my modifications to the central stanza. I'm hesitantly sticking with this title (and would appreciate it if the post title was renamed Wyv ). Opinions are *very* welcome. Edited July 1, 2005 by HappyBuddha
Quincunx Posted July 10, 2005 Report Posted July 10, 2005 Topic changed. (While I did like "Sink" for its oblique approach, my mind insists upon reading "everything but the kitchen" instead of "thingy which absorbs".) I couldn't give a critique on this 'til at least five versions were posted, since every one was well-crafted and self-contained, and only by contrasting them can I get a glimpse of your intent. bulletproof eyes This is perfect. Why does it work? I'm baffled. . . .meeting my cold, stale streams of alcohol-tinged breath I'm uncertain if the image you gave is the image you intended. 'Meeting' brought to mind physical connection, as if wisps from the wheels (wet with dew? foggy? old, smoky brakes?) and exhaust curled up outside the window on which you breathed, yet, the 'streams' of breath don't hit the window but whip along in the wind parallel to it. If the breath hit the window, it would have been punctuated and maybe fogged up the glass. silhouetting Another perfect word. This one I understand.
Parmenion Posted July 17, 2005 Report Posted July 17, 2005 So that sound that buses make is the brakes! LMAO! 28 years old and I always wondered what it was! Thanks HB, may day just got brighter coz I learned something
HappyBuddha Posted September 6, 2005 Author Report Posted September 6, 2005 (edited) Sink car spangled streets bulletproof eyes, the startling serpent hiss of bus brakes drowning my cold, stale streams of alcohol-tinged breath in these windows dark bodies break reflected tinsel, silhouetting looming streets beyond I think the new title may hit closer. After a long absence from this poem, I can return afresh and see that 'alone' is far too blunt. At the same time, 'sink' captures the feeling but I'm not sure it works logically - it makes intuitive sense, but cannot be explicated. Perhaps that's what I'm looking for. Thank you all greatly for all the lovely commentary - I'm happy to know that I could unexpectedly make Parmenion's day Thank you especially Tzim - your comments are always piercing and well-constructed, in a way I find ever so refreshing, perhaps because that's how I like to comment myself. Edited September 11, 2005 by HappyBuddha
HappyBuddha Posted September 20, 2005 Author Report Posted September 20, 2005 Georgetown-Rosslyn Shuttle, 11:47 PM, June 26th, 2005 car spangled streets bulletproof eyes, the startling serpent hiss of bus brakes drowning my cold, stale streams of alcohol breath in these windows dark bodies break flourescent tinsel, silhouetting looming streets beyond Final Version.
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