Wyvern Posted June 11, 2005 Report Posted June 11, 2005 I think that this is an excellent story so far, Sweetcherrie. I find it very mature and realistic, and am already attached to the character of Mandy and her sad memories. I think that you do a great job of conveying Mandy's emotions and desires throughout it, as a great deal of insight is given into her thoughts and feelings. I also really like how you rarely touch upon the problems that Mandy faces directly, and instead gradually show them through Mandy's dialogue and situations. I think that the juxtaposition of Mandy's current thoughts with her memories also work well, and offer a nice way to transition between memories. In terms of potential improvements, I was a bit uncertain of the implications of the second memory that revolved around Mandy's grandparents and her mother crying. I once again like how you showed everything to the reader in it, but was left with vague impressions of what was going on with the mother and didn't quite see its significance to the rest of the story. The notion of marital issues are raised, but they don't seem apparent in any of the later memories. I was also a bit uncertain as to why Martin chose Mandy as his target for rape, given how much she's been teased by classmates about her appearence... while he's depicted as drunk, it still seemed a little iffy to me that he'd choose her given how popular he is. Perhaps it was an act of revenge, or he did it off a bet with Roy? Great stuff so far, once again. A very poignant and riveting series of memories. I look forward to reading more.
Sweetcherrie Posted June 11, 2005 Report Posted June 11, 2005 The second memory sets the tone for some of the parts that will come in at a later stage and that specific memory more revolves around the passing away of the grandfather, then the marriage between Mandy's parents. I see I will have to try and clarify this post further since it is quite important for the story line later on. I was mainly assuming her parents just to be stressed because they had to take care of a dying old man. About Martin choosing Mandy, I've thought about your suggestion for a while, and have decided not to clarify this. Why does a rapist chose his victim? Mandy certainly wouldn't know, and therefor it would be an almost impossibility to properly describe this in the post. Plus that I also think it is a good thing that you're left wondering why he chose her. I think most rape victims are actually asking themselves the same question. Thank you for your comments. They always help me to see things from a different perspective, and help me think about why I write things the way I write them
Sweetcherrie Posted June 16, 2005 Report Posted June 16, 2005 (edited) At the moment all of the posts of Inner Quest are written. There are still some things that I'm going to look at, and see if I can rewrite them and improve on them, but at the moment the story has sort of drained me. Now I need to take bit of distance to see where I can improve, and basicly "fall out of love" with my own writing. That way I can see my own mistakes again, whereas at the moment I'm probably blind to them. Of course, any and all feedback is appreciated, the more the better Edited June 20, 2005 by Sweetcherrie
Tanuchan Posted June 17, 2005 Report Posted June 17, 2005 I really liked the story, Cherrie Mandy is a credible character, and I enjoyed following her memories and imagining her life. A couple of more specific comments... In the beginning, you describe Mandy attending the funeral and talking to the notary; I thought that she was dead, and it was her "ghost" there, and that the talk wasn't really to her, but to someone from family. At the end, when the choice was between letting go or fighting to live, I was caught wondering about that first post... if she wasn't dead, why did she attend her funeral? Or was it just how she imagined it? I understand that changing that (funeral/notary) might compromise the whole mood you set in the beginning, and I have no suggestion at all about that... but my feeling is that it seems a bit contradictory when we read the end of the story. Another point that caught my attention: when Inge suicides, I felt the transition in Mandy's attitude to be somewhat abrupt. I understand the shock, and how it would have made her realize she shouldn't be bullying people, and lead her to her promise. However, the first time I read the story, the decision as described felt too abrupt, because Mandy clearly enjoyed bullying Inge. Maybe an extra line or two showing some conflicting thoughts while she cycles home helps smoothing it. The last happening in Mandy's life so far - Gabriel and the ouija board - seemed a bit fancy... but, given the whole setting of the story, maybe not so far-fetched as I felt it at first. It broke a bit the whole mood for me, because so far there was a nice touch with reality, even knowing that we were reading the memories of a "ghost" (in a way). But in this point, it's probably just me and the way I see things... I hope you keep writing, Cherrie... I really enjoy reading your stories. *hugs* ~Tanny
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