Camalus Posted June 2, 2005 Report Posted June 2, 2005 (edited) Hello all I was reading one of Cerenza's poems and it inspired me to post something of mine. I'm not sure if you'd call it a poem, it's just what I felt at the time. Alone. Divinity {Part 1} Tired... too tired. Tired beyond the realm that exhaustion lies. On a level so low that even the most sumptuous words couldn't give better discription than the word tired. yet I am too tired. Too tired to fully grasp the understanding that has been thrown in my face. Perception as clear as a river stream...yet burns as molten lava. I want to ask myself Were they really lies? but the lava of truth incinerates the thought without hesitation. But..Umm... wow Where do I go from here? besides depression. Deep... too deep. Deep in the gorge of your soul where there's only solitude but now accompanied by new verities. Oh my god I feel alone. Oh my... too alone. Running franticly through pitch darkness flinching at every rememberence of what I'm faced with. The act of exposing a falsehood doesn't always reveal the truth. Oh my... such is the case. The metamorphosis of reality is haunting as it begins to portray it's strange and unrecognizable face. New doors rapidly appear infront of me like camera flashes enticing me to come closer. I can't search anymore. Not right now. I'm tired... too tired. Edited June 2, 2005 by Camalus
Nyyark Posted June 2, 2005 Report Posted June 2, 2005 I'd call it a poem! I really like how it narrates a mental journey. Cool stuff.
Loki Wyrd Posted June 2, 2005 Report Posted June 2, 2005 (edited) I, too, would call it a poem. No worries, you needn't be careful with the word. I find writing down your feelings can be very therapeutic, helping to explore them more than if you simply live them without putting a voice to it. To do so is admirable in my mind. Having said that, I do think you could snip and shore up a few places in your poem(which usually occurs in coming back to your work, and thinking how you can more poignantly communicate what you've written); this is what I feel really helps to better you as a poet, to be able to recognize what needs work and improve it step-by-step. Outside help can give a needed push to get you on your way. example: "Were they really lies" 'Were' is probably supposed to be 'where' (typos happen), but the line itself seems awkward, as I'm not sure what 'they' is referring to. another: "wow Where do I go from here?" I feel the transition leaves me wanting, which is a result of the last action being the incineration of thought, and not the thought itself. Perhaps if you asked, rather, what it leaves you with? "New doors rapidly appear infront of me like camera flashes" I was thinking that "Like camera flashes, new doors appear in front of me," might keep the flow more lively. Just small things, when changed, can really help strengthen a poem. You've got a great foundation from which to work, don't be afraid to alter as you grow. Edited June 2, 2005 by Loki Wyrd
Camalus Posted June 2, 2005 Author Report Posted June 2, 2005 (edited) example: "Were they really lies" 'Were' is probably supposed to be 'where' (typos happen), but the line itself seems awkward, as I'm not sure what 'they' is referring to. It should read "Are they really lies?" "they" refering to religious teachings. another: "wow Where do I go from here?" I feel the transition leaves me wanting Heh...I couldn't have said it better myself. That's exactly how I felt. The realization of the lies only hid the truth deeper. I knew what I was left with...solitude at the end of a path that I thought went somewhere. It would make more sence changing it like you said. I think I was just more concerned with escaping from that situation, rather than understanding the feelings I was left with. Thanks for the comments. Edited June 2, 2005 by Camalus
Camalus Posted June 2, 2005 Author Report Posted June 2, 2005 Hi sweetie Sorry about your resent loss. I hope you're feeling better.
Cerenza Posted June 3, 2005 Report Posted June 3, 2005 Hi sweetie Sorry about your resent loss. I hope you're feeling better. Thank you Means alot.
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