Cerenza Posted June 1, 2005 Report Posted June 1, 2005 (edited) In The Darkness He Comes Do you hear the Angels cry? Do you hear them scream and die? I do.... In the Heavens high above... I hear their plea; "Please! My God, let us be...." In the darkness He comes... A shadow... He raises his sword... The fire, the pain, and darkness evolves. You hide and you run, but you can not flee. His sword and his shadow forever finds thee... His eyes are like Ice, and his soul no more. He laughs and he smiles... You tremble to the core. You try to remember the light you once shared... But the Darkness is stronger... It is as you feared. You wait and you prey, but no one will come... He finds you, he strikes.... You are alone... ------ Thoughts on this one? I just got WoW...and I got a little inspiered to write a dark one...lol :wizzie: Edited June 1, 2005 by Cerenza
Vlad Posted June 1, 2005 Report Posted June 1, 2005 (edited) I like this. The imagery is very evocative of pain and fear... The parable to the angels is nice, too. At first the rhyming made it feel a little bit sing-song-ish in my head, but once I got over that, I really enjoyed this poem! - Vlad Edited June 1, 2005 by Vlad
Cerenza Posted June 2, 2005 Author Report Posted June 2, 2005 More thoughts? On a diffrent little site, I got one telling me that it maby looked "not finished" that there might be more to add.... Thoughts?
The Death of Rats Posted November 27, 2008 Report Posted November 27, 2008 Does feel summat unfinished; though not in bad way- it's very prologue-y. Not specifically in the story sense, or epic, could easily be used as either... but yeah, the message is very clear- and it reads as "hope is lost, even all the way into heaven, the enemy is winning over all"...however, you leave a lot of questions: Who is the enemy? Why are they winning over everything, perhaps even God (as slightly hinted at in "Do you hear the Angels cry? Do you hear them scream and die? I do.... In the Heavens high above... I hear their plea; "Please! My God, let us be...."), Why does everyone, except the speaker (the narrator is firmly involved as oon as you put in "I" in his speech, and his tone stays very neutral after that) despair their chances of winning? None of those are addressed at *all*, that I can see...not that you have to reveal down to the last detail, this is poetry after all, but *some* answer would be welcome.
Wyvern Posted January 4, 2009 Report Posted January 4, 2009 Cool poem, Cerenza. :-) It read to me sort of like one of those church sermons where the preacher inflicts a fear of Hell into the hearts of the listeners, though the angels crying "Please! My God, let us be..." does add a bit of ambivalence to the piece as the Death of Rats pointed out. Is God being depicted as the enemy, or are they pleading to God to assuage the terror that the enemy is inflicting on them? Either direction is intriguing, but you might consider expanding on one of the directions further in future revisions to clarify it. On another note, I liked the pacing of the piece and felt that the line breaks were well-placed in it. I was uncertain about the capitalization of "Darkness" in the tenth stanza, though... it does distinguish it from the literal "darkness" of the fifth stanza, but feels a tad cliched at the same time. Anyway, thanks for sharing this poem here Cerenza. :-) Here's hoping we get to see more of your works in 2009.
reverie Posted January 4, 2009 Report Posted January 4, 2009 (edited) I'd nix all the "Ellipsis." A full stop period can be just as dramatic. Colons are great for set ups too. Use of too many ellipsis can give any work that certain late 90s IRC chat room feel, and that was like a decade ago. Hmm, maybe try paying more attention to the direction of your thoughts: to whom are you speaking; who is speaking? Makes for more consistent voice (first, 2nd, 3rd person), and makes any change in voice more effective / dramatic. Basically connect the "what" of what you want to say with the "why" and "how." good effort; don't get addicted, rev... Edited January 4, 2009 by reverie
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