Friendship Lost

[Da_Yog]

Friendship Lost

 

Still waters ripple in the wind

Will you once again be friend

Honesty compels the truth be told

I once again fear to be so bold

To risk my heart in such a way

To once again have such dues to pay

The pain of loss I cannot bear

Upon my soul this burden does wear.

 

I once did call you friend

Then you abandoned me in the end

The trust that I once felt

Feels like a crooked hand you dealt

And I can no longer know

Whether you be friend or foe

To be friends you say you desire

But in your heart what doth conspire?

Edited May 27, 2005 by Da_Yog

[Mynx]

I lost a friend very dear to me once by not being the friend I should have.

This poem reminds me of her. To me it's almost as if maybe that's what she thought about me when I wasn't there to help her like I should have.

I have always believed that the best poems are the ones that can fully drag you in and remind you of life and experiences, if not portray vividly the emotion and situation to you.

For me, this poem did both.

Thank you

[Cerulean]

Hi there Yog,

 

No thoughts of joining our hallowed halls yet? I think you'll find the recruiter's office is nearby. *pokes gently*

 

You have a classic theme to explore here - but my advice would be to lose the faux Shakespearean diction. I don't think it adds anything to your poem aside from metrical padding. I detect an ear for form and know you could smooth this further. You have much potential, keep posting!

 

 

Friendship Lost

 

Still waters ripple in the wind

Will you once again be friend

Honesty compels the truth be told

I once again fear to be so bold

To risk my heart in such a way

To once again have such dues to pay

The pain of loss I cannot bear

Upon my soul this burden does wear. wears.

 

I once did call called you friend

Then you abandoned me in the end

The trust that I once felt

Feels like a crooked hand you dealt

And I can no longer know

Whether you be friend or foe

To be friends you say you desire

But in your heart what doth conspire? conspires?

[Regel]

It seems to me that I get to know you better the more I read your work Yog. In life there are only a few people you meet that will always be there for you. You'll probably count them on one hand. Let's say it's the difference between friend and true friend. When you meet one, hang on to them. It's a long and treacherous journey ahead.

I am sure you know what I mean.

[Quincunx]

First, I have to chime in with Cerulean on cutting out Ye Olde diction; your poems are written in the present day's language and the dabs of archaic speech are like mysterious French words inserted into a sentence as a whitewash of erudition. If you must write with it, write entire poems with it; thou couldst either lose thyself in Renaissance-era adjectives, or you could use neither 'thee' nor 'thou' and the poem compose with all verbs and sentences in order inverted. For now, prune your Pen poems vigorously and return them to the present day.

 

There's a rough strong-weak syllable meter in the poem as it stands. I'll chop gracelessly at the lines and try to wedge them all into that pattern, with little regard to the content (it's easier to tweak content once the meter is in place, oddly enough):

 

Still waters ripple in the wind

Will you once again be friend

--the second line has to be spoken oddly at "once again" to fit the meter, and might need tweaking.

 

Honesty compels the truth be told

--perfect, and not just for the meter

 

I once again fear to be so bold

--the phrase "once again" is a problem again. It has different stress than it did before.

 

To risk my heart in such a way

To once again have such dues to pay

--. . .you know what? "once again" is just going to have to go. It's a recurring hiccup in the rhythm.

 

The pain of loss I cannot bear

Upon my soul this burden does wear.

--"Upon my soul I feel it wear" perhaps, it keeps the meter and the rhyme, although it changes the meaning more than Cerulean's suggestion.

 

I once did call you friend

--I would change "did call" to "had called", a more modern usage.

 

Then you abandoned me in the end

--"in the end" doesn't fit the meter. at the end of the couplet, and done only once, it might be forgivable; also at the end of this extra-long line, it stands out too much. you could shorten the line elsewhere to save the rhyme, instead. "You left me lonely in the end"? "I was abandoned in the end?"

 

The trust that I once felt

Feels like a crooked hand you dealt

--I don't care if it's cliche. you reworked it into something good.

 

And I can no longer know

--this only fits the meter if it's spoken oddly. remove "and", and the problem vanishes.

 

Whether you be friend or foe

--archaic usage of "be" leads to a cliche not used well. I'd throw out the entire line before "foe" and re-write it. maybe move the concept of 'now' from the previous line down to this one?

 

To be friends you say you desire

But in your heart what doth conspire?

--the longer length of these two lines is the only part to keep. the archaic and the cliche run too deep to be rooted out. maybe return to the water metaphor of the first line? do still waters run deep?