Jade Posted April 27, 2005 Report Posted April 27, 2005 With a playful tick-tock or a little blip-blop, When the rain fell like dew would… if it hailed. You stepped out from under the tree, and the leaves shook and quivered. Because they missed the wind when the air was so stale that they’d forgotten. They’d forgotten because memory isn’t real when you’re a tree. Unless you count the countless engravings Of lovers and children. But what are lovers really, If not children? Tick-tock.
Vlad Posted April 27, 2005 Report Posted April 27, 2005 A lot of your poem feels very abstract, so I may end up over-analyzing. In which case, feel free to ignore what I say. In the beginning - the title is a culprit of this too - I thought it was about time. The tick-tock just has that sort of triggered reaction in my mind. Interestingly, you create a very smooth transition to water, which I thought was clever. When the rain fell like dew would… if it hailed. These three lines went over my head. Completely. I'm not sure about the use of second person in this, especially because it's only at one point. [Edit: One of [Double-Edit: three], the other usage is slightly awkward too.] I'm thinking an implied subject would achieve the same purpose, but have a more powerful effect. The visual there is beautiful, however. I see a biblical Adam stepping out from behind a tree, and the foliage rustling to signal his appearance. I like the part about the memory. It's a playful line encapsulating what I felt was the mood of the poem. The second person here seems oddly appropriate, so now I'm not sure what to do about it... It has the feel of something older and wiser [the tree] giving advice to something younger and more foolish [a person]. Or... a saproling instead of a person. Or some sort of metaphor that I'm missing. Of lovers and children. But what are lovers really, If not children? This made me almost burst out laughing. I love this line. It seems so simple and true, yet it goes deeper than that. Don't want to look any deeper though, I like what I see on the surface. The last line gives it summation, and makes me thinhk that there is an embedded message about how "time is running out for all of us; try to have fun." - Overanalytical Vlad.
Peredhil Posted April 27, 2005 Report Posted April 27, 2005 I really enjoyed this, on many levels. I too loved the closing lines. *hugs* welcome back home.
cryptomancer Posted April 28, 2005 Report Posted April 28, 2005 I love this. The contemplation of precipitationin different forms from the mind to the distructive was beautiful, the opening lines adding sound to the minds grasp of the scene. You stepped out from under the tree, and the leaves shook and quivered. Because they missed the wind when the air was so stale that they’d forgotten. The image here I loved most, tree moving with the effects of wind and rain, and noting the change in the air. I grew up in africa, the air changes when it rains, you can acctually smell the rain as it gathers, and after it falls the air is so sweet and clear. Good memories. But what are lovers really, If not children? I have a little boy, he is 5, and i see how easy it is for him to trust and love people and dread the day when he learns that not all can be trusted. True lovers open up so completely to each other, trusting everything like children trust. thank you. i really like this.
Zadown Posted April 28, 2005 Report Posted April 28, 2005 It's one of those kind of pieces where you wish you could have written it yourself. Innovative, yeah, that's the word I was looking for. Good stuff.
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