A strange Dream

[Da_Yog]

This one has easily the heaviest rhyme scheme I have ever attempted. It's also dark and moody which usually clashes, for me, with a rhyme scheme. Anyway it's a tad long but I hope you all enjoy it.

 

OK completey revamped the first stanza, still not exactly happy with it but better. Also swapped a line from the second stanza and the first for continuity and fixed the gramatical error.

 

A Strange Dream

 

Black ships sail to our shores frail

Travelling at night by moon's eerie light

Until clouds roll by obscuring the night sky

The ships sail near while the men start to fear.

 

The breath of the sea warns death to me

The bell sounds the call, to arms for us all

I cannot know where my fate may blow

So I do what I may, I sit and pray.

 

Upon our sandy beach the black ships do reach

Then the order is given, the enemy must be driven

So we march out, to our beach in doubt

For on the morrow there can be naught but sorrow.

 

The battle turned dour and we fled within the hour

To the castle we tread while our troops still bled

I watched comrades lying, moaning while dying

Still clashing swords ring, of death do they sing!

 

I see darkened walls among windswept halls

And blackened stains on ancient window panes

Still burning timbers crash on smouldering embers

Total destruction of a once noble construction.

 

The dead moan in the night awaiting last rites

Still beating hearts are few give the reaper his due

Two pennies for the man whose boat over Styx ran

The dead have their needs but want not for greed.

 

A lone wolf howls for his mates on the prowl

The answering call was only a funeral pall

What have I done? Survivors there are none

Alone I stand, blood dripping from my hand.

 

The moon too is red for Luna's soul has bled

The lands washed in blood making a macabre mix of mud

The bell no longer rings but demons, they do sing

Of a hellish delight fought on this tragic night.

 

I feel such pain that I alone still remain

I alone to dread, just me among the dead

I walk along and dole out last rites for their souls

In war there is no honor only survivors and their horror.

Edited April 20, 2005 by Da_Yog

[Regel]

The feeling of being on a Viking raiding ship or in medieval times is overwhelming. The message contained in the final line is still valid to this day.

[Ayshela]

A rather cumbersome rhyme scheme, but a good message. I usually have a difficult time not getting distracted with the longer pieces (distractions are easily found, about my place, and *they* usually find *me*), but had little problem following this one through.

 

Two things: You almost lost me on the first line, itself. It's awkward, semi-incomprehensible, and a bit long for the rhythm of the rest of it.

 

also,

Two pennies for the man who's boat over Styx ran

who's = who is

i assume you mean "whose" here?

[Peredhil]

Good poem. This was a bit thick:

The moon looms eerie lightening darkened sails dreary

Perhaps personification such as something like:

"The moon looms eerily, eyeing dark sails dreary"

 

(hugs Da Yog in Peredhilish welcome. )

[Da_Yog]

I like where you are going with that suggestion. I'll give it some thought. The first line is often a bit tough for me. Mostly because I frequently don't establish a feel or tempo for the poem until the second or third stanza so the first often comes out fairly week until some serious tweaking is done. It doesn't hurt that I've only been writing poems for about 2 months now and have 0 formal training in anything approaching grammar or creative writing. Just operating off of high school and a few technical writing classes in college. The price of being an engineer.

 

I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for transition material near the middle of the poem. There are a few stanzas to me that seem to "jump" a bit suddenly. Did anyone else notice that? I'd be open to suggestions to fix it. Perhaps an additional stanza or two...

 

BTW this was an actual dream, and that of a 12 year old boy, so I was hoping to impart a dreamlike quality. Like it was real but wasn't at the same time. I have no idea if I accomplished this or not.

[Peredhil]

you know...

 

If you joined, there's a section called the Critic's Corner where people are *supposed* (doesn't always work that way. be able to post a piece in progress and receive feedback on it.

 

If you joined (hint hint)...

 

In the Recruiter' Office...

 

-Subtle P'

[Da_Yog]

Just made some edits here.

[Katzaniel]

This poem might be long, but it doesn't seem that way. Caught me right up.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "jumpy" but I did feel that the line "The lands washed in blood making a macabre mix of mud" stuck out as too long. Of course, that's coming from another with no real training in writing, a fellow engineer. (Which discipline you in? Me, I'm software with a lot of electrical background.) Also I have no real suggestion for that, like Peredhil had. Well, maybe "make" instead of "making" would help?

 

Oh, one solid suggestion I did have, for the line "The dead have their needs but want not for greed." It didn't rhyme quite as well because needs is plural, so maybe you could simply say "The dead have a need..."?

 

Overall, lookin' good!

 

Edit: Hmm, about that first line, maybe it could be better if lengthened, such as "Our shores are frail but to it black ships sail"

 

Regarding your question of the dream-like quality, I think it's hard to say because I'm expecting a dream right from the start due to the title. It would be hard to read it again and determine whether I'd have felt that same quality without the title or not. With it, though, I certainly did.

Edited April 20, 2005 by Katzaniel

[Jareena Faye]

Nice job! Your poem has a message, which is good--- "In war, there is no honor." I commend you for that, as a message is what separates art from junk (i.e., photography from porn). Congratulations, it's an art!

 

For the third stanza, I would suggest "The order given, the enemy driven." You can say just as much with less words, and it's easier for the reader to adjust to the rhythm. Overall, I would say you just need to learn how to eliminate unnecessary words. (Don't we all!)