Da_Yog Posted April 13, 2005 Report Posted April 13, 2005 I like this a lot but I keep thinking it could be better. Perhaps it's just me. :-) The Lost Place Here I stand before these hallowed halls Where thoughts of time seem quaint For eons have they stood amongst these hills And for eons unspoiled shall they remain I cannot find upon this place of olde To my sight or sense, the hand of man For man could not love other than he So long as it takes to make such as this. I stand and gaze at what I have found And think to journey and explore Deep within the heart of these earthen halls A step or two more and I could see Sights that no man ever has seen Nay, I stay my feet and turn away For I could not keep such a sight as this to myself And grand stories would inspire others To go looking where I dare not tread Then another of the precious lost places would fall to the inquisition of man And such a crime I could not bear.
Vlad Posted April 13, 2005 Report Posted April 13, 2005 The poem has a very... soft feel to it. Like it's quitly glowing, or something. I can't really describe what it is that I found, but it's good. The tweaking that you mentioned is relatively absent from this poem. The only place that I could see needing attention would be "For I could not keep such a sight as this to myself" That line is a tad long, but otherwise the poem has great concrete visuals and abstract emotion. Welcome to the Pen, Yog.
Ayshela Posted April 13, 2005 Report Posted April 13, 2005 *nods* i think you could lose "as this" from that line without losing meaning, while improving the flow from line to line. gentle, thoughtful - i like it.
Da_Yog Posted April 14, 2005 Author Report Posted April 14, 2005 The Lost Place Here I stand before these hallowed halls Where thoughts of time seem quaint For eons have they stood amongst these hills And for eons unspoiled shall they remain I cannot find upon this place of olde To my sight or sense, the hand of man For man could not love other than he So long as it takes to make such as this. I stand and gaze at what I have found And think to journey and explore Deep within the heart of these earthen halls A step or two more and I could see Sights that no man ever has seen Nay, I stay my feet and turn away For I could not keep such a sight to myself And grand stories would inspire others To go looking where I dare not tread Then another of the precious lost places would fall to the inquisition of man And such a crime I could not bear. Oooh, very nice. Thank you, I agree, this does improve the flow. *bows* This may indeed be what I was looking for. I could never quite put my finger on it. Thanks again.
Peredhil Posted April 15, 2005 Report Posted April 15, 2005 I like the second version. For me, it almost has a Nordic chant feel to it.
Da_Yog Posted November 28, 2007 Author Report Posted November 28, 2007 A retouch of something I wrote a while ago. Only small changes, but I think I like it better now. The Lost Place Here I stand before these hallowed halls Where thoughts of time seem quaint. For eons have they stood amongst these hills And for eons unspoiled shall they remain. I cannot find upon this place of olde— To my sight or sense—the hand of man. For man could not love other than he For so long as it takes to make this place. I stand and gaze at what I have found And think to journey and explore Deep within the heart of these earthen halls. A step or two more and I could see Sights that no man ever has seen. Nay! I stay my feet and turn away. For I could not keep such a sight to mine eye alone And grand stories would inspire men To go looking where I dare not tread. Then another of the precious lost places would fall to the inquisition of man, And such a crime I could not bear.
Recommended Posts