MinimondoT Posted April 10, 2005 Report Posted April 10, 2005 A year ago I heard his voice A year ago I cried A year ago eight simple words… A year ago I died A lifetime full of memories, eight words and they were changed no longer full of happiness only full of Pain. He took my heart and broke it Our life he threw away His promise of forever Ended on that day A brave face I tried to show the world when his words I heard Bravery I did not have only Tears only Pain A year ago he called me A year ago today…
Sweetcherrie Posted April 10, 2005 Report Posted April 10, 2005 I feel I should say something here, but all I can come to is "ouch" and "well done". Thank you for sharing. *hugs* - Sweetcherrie
Mynx Posted April 10, 2005 Report Posted April 10, 2005 The rawest of emotions can bring out the most beautiful works of art. I loved this.
MinimondoT Posted April 10, 2005 Author Report Posted April 10, 2005 (edited) Thank you all for your hugs =0) and *hugs* back. Though it was a year ago, I am doing fine and have a new "he" =0), but you know how memories can creep up on you. Glad you liked the poem. I wasn't sure about a couple of places but as I reread it I think it works. To share one's pain with friends is to dampen the pain with love and joy. Thank you all Edited September 8, 2005 by MinimondoT
reverie Posted April 10, 2005 Report Posted April 10, 2005 (edited) I like this... it has a kind of simple eloquence to it... however, your 4th stanza kind of throws me... rhythm wise that is... Oh and you did not specify what level of feedback you wanted in your profile, so I'll just wing it... This is just a friendly sugguestion, but I would have edited it to this... A brave face, I tried to show the world when his words I heard Bravery I did not have only Tears only Pain A year ago he called me A year ago today… Or, you could throw in a "yet or a but" before bravery" to better highlight the contrary... Nice website, by the way... take care, rev... Edited April 10, 2005 by reverie
Peredhil Posted April 15, 2005 Report Posted April 15, 2005 Growls at the thought of someone being stupid enough to reject Minimondo. Ahem. Sorry about that. Good poem; I like Rev's suggestion though.
MinimondoT Posted April 16, 2005 Author Report Posted April 16, 2005 Rev, I do like you suggestion, though I think that I still would rather have the last two lines seperated. When I started writing it I didn't know how it would end, and that just fits more with the feeling behind it. A year ago I heard his voice A year ago I cried A year ago eight simple words… A year ago I died A lifetime full of memories, eight words and they were changed no longer full of happiness only full of Pain. He took my heart and broke it Our life he threw away His promise of forever Ended on that day A brave face, I tried to show the world when his words I heard Yet, Bravery I did not have only Tears only Pain A year ago he called me A year ago today…
reverie Posted April 16, 2005 Report Posted April 16, 2005 Oh thanks, ya know, I agree with you. The last lines separated does feel better. To me, separating them makes for a more "reflective pause." I like reflection. take care, rev...
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