Remember

[sweetnightmare]

Sitting on this bed of thorns

I remember a time

Before all the rest

Before the sunrise

When the stars still shined

And over the daytime passed

The shore was told to cease

The fog was rolling

The sky was paying the toll

Winds blew through the clouds

Forming the shapes and sizes

Images in their minds

Doorways to other worlds

Seeing the reality in a new way

Trying to sway through the waves

Jumping off the cliff side

Into the choppy water

White dress being torn though the rapids

Cutting the sides of the rocks

Tracing a life down to an instant

And leaving alone the past present and future

Abandoning the essence of time

For a moment of rest

A time of peace

With out demons

With out haunting pictures of frail bodies

I remember a time before times

When the stars in her eyes shined

When we saw castles in our future

And dreams in her grasp

She was the

But she isn’t the

And she will never be again

For she died at ten

When the shore was told to cease

For the never ending unease

Of a haunted child who was never released

From a gripping life

Never ending her strife

Until the bitter end

Of her very life !!!

[Ozymandias]

Maybe it's just my weird mind already in a horror mindset from the current WW game, but this seems like a *wonderful* opening to, or maybe exposition point for a ghost story. :>)

[Vlad]

Hmm...

 

I liked the beginning. And I liked the middle. But the ending felt kind of weak compared to the rest.

 

Throughout the poem you use very good concretes and interesting visual images. They were abstract enough to not interrupt the reading, but...

I just had fantastic images from "The shore was told to cease/ The fog was rolling/ The sky was paying the toll/ Winds blew through the clouds."

 

The first of those lines; however, seems to contrast with the others, and I'm not sure if that's intentional or not. It implied stopping, while the others imply action. Pieces together beautifully, either way.

 

"From a gripping life/ Never ending her strife/ Until the bitter end/ Of her very life" is slighly awkward to me. It's not stirring any visuals or metaphors in me. I get the part about her life being bad, but it appears to be so much more that you can do with this.