Yui-chan Posted March 25, 2005 Report Posted March 25, 2005 Continuing onward from the first Freewrites thread, this thread starts at #26 and will continue through 50. Let's hope I can manage to write more reliably, this time, and not take so long to get through another 25 of these supposedly-simple exercises. Crossing Fingers, ~Yui
Yui-chan Posted March 25, 2005 Author Report Posted March 25, 2005 #26 The Mortal Sin written 22 March, 2005 That moment poised with knife above flesh was when it hit me. As if God Himself had thrown the realization straight down from Heaven, it struck the top of my head and sliced its way straight through to my feet. If I made that cut, I would burn. Horribly and eternally, I would feel the fires of Hell melting my spectral flesh and boiling the blood that didn't actually flow through my soul's form. Satan would take his torturous hand to my essence, summoning forth the kind of pain that is as far beyond worldly comprehension as God's Great Plan is beyond the ken of an infant earthworm. He'd violate me in ways too terrifying and impossible for mortal minds to comprehend and then turn me over to his minions to be thus defiled again and again, over and over in more and more depraved ways through the end of time and beyond. No question. No doubt. In that tiny little moment, it stood before me as a certainty more firm than the rising sun or the slow spiral of the universe towards destruction. ... and that's why I smiled as I drew the blade across my silly, soft flesh. That's why I laughed as the blood welled out from the cut. It was about damn time. I mean, the 70s had been a ton of fun, with all the hippies and their drugs and "free love" infidelities to encourage, but the assignment sure went downhill from there. Cultists in the 80s. School shootings in the 90s. Petroleum wars and lots of delicious prejudice and fear in the 2000s... Sure, they were good for business, but they just didn't have that good old individual interaction, that satisfaction of tarnishing the bright metal, one piece at a time. I slumped down in the tub with a sigh of anticipation, feeling the weight of too much mortality. Yeah, it was about time for me to move on in my career, and I was looking forward to going home. It'd been too long since I got some pampering, Ninth Circle style...
Ozymandias Posted March 26, 2005 Report Posted March 26, 2005 Damn, you're good. Eloquently, and with just the right touch to not be *too* much brutality, the first half makes all too clear the full experience of suicide. Then, I got to the second half. O_O Yui, that was GREAT. I got down to the last three paragraphs, and had to read the first two of those three...three times, actually...before I *could* go on and read the last paragraph. It seriously took me that many attempts for my brain to fully digest/accept what I had just read, after that opening. Now that was a twist ending to remember. Yow. More!!!!!!
Yui-chan Posted April 11, 2005 Author Report Posted April 11, 2005 Hehe. It's my pleasure to confound you, however momentarily. Thanks for the feedback, Ozy. Working on another... no, really... , ~Yui
Yui-chan Posted January 24, 2006 Author Report Posted January 24, 2006 #27 Firefly Thoughts 23 January, 2006 I feel you. There, behind my eyes. Firefly thoughts that blink on and off. Clear. Gone. Moved on. Flare again, only to disappear once more. You shy away when I try to grasp you. Flare again. Fade. Slip to the side and blink again, sickly bioluminescent. Blind me first with light, then with darkness and flit further away from my reaching hands. Until I've forgotten what it's like to hold the line. Until I've stopped caring that I can't connect. A chaos cloud of lightning bugs in the cavernous black of my mind. As time passes, I stop trying to catch you. For you are beautiful, my dancers. And I no longer remember what the whole was meant to be. Or that there should be a whole at all. Light. Dark. Shifting, lucent insights. I stare into your twinkling mass and think: It's so easy to just fall. Fall into the swirl of scattered, firefly thoughts. ... just fall away... ... and forget.
Wyvern Posted January 25, 2006 Report Posted January 25, 2006 Great poem, Yui-chan. :-) The whole metaphor of firefly thoughts was very well thought-out and incorporated, and I really liked the way the fragmented line structure reflected the flickering of the thoughts. I also liked how the word choice shifted with the tone, as the switch to "lightning bugs" was a very effective means of conveying the chaos of the thoughts. The ending to the poem was also very intriguing, and brought it to a very strong close. In terms of possible things to improve: the line "For you are beautiful, my dancers." felt a bit wordier than the rest of the piece to me, and you might consider cutting it to "You are beautiful" or just dropping the initial "For.". The phrasing of "stopped caring that I can't connect" in line 8 also struck me as a bit awkward, though I find the message behind the line very intriguing. Anyway, great stuff once again. :-) Strangly, the first time I skimmed over this piece, I missed the reference to the thoughts being "behind eyes" and thought it could be a poem about the internet... but then, 'net stuff seems to crop up in my poetry all too often. ;-p
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