Venefyxatu Posted March 7, 2005 Report Posted March 7, 2005 Right ... the Critic's Corner is underused, or so I've heard, and I've no intention of interrupting Shathward's story with my ramblings. I have to admit, my first thought when I saw the title was "Another Japanese-sounding name. Why??" Without going into details : I guess I've just seen too many of them Anyway, Shathward, you set a won-der-ful scene. I could easily picture the old, wooden boards of the floor floating through the blackness of this "place beyond time", empty except for the torch, a chair and the person sitting in the chair. You might want to add some more descriptions (of other items in the room and the walls and the ceiling, if any of those actually exist), unless, of course, the way I envisioned it is correct and there is nothing more to describe. Combined with the title, this piece makes me wonder : is that the thief who kind of became a saint? Or is this going to lead up to it? Who or what is this being? The runes on this being are fascinating as well - will they serve a purpose in his ability to wield magic? Are they decorations or status symbols? Do they protect him? The golden symbol of divinity is a great finishing touch! I love it, and I'm hoping I'll get to see more of your world as you create it!
Sweetcherrie Posted March 7, 2005 Report Posted March 7, 2005 Hmm, if you're going to refer to a different thread maybe good to have a link? Sakaso the Immortal, There you go - Sweetcherrie
Shathward Posted March 7, 2005 Report Posted March 7, 2005 (edited) Oh. *goes red* Ahh. Well. At this moment, I can tell you that the "world" in the Prologue contains no other objects, and you envisioned it correctly. It was actually inspired in part by the End Of Time in Chrono Trigger. (And does the name sound Japanese? I didn't mean for it to be Japanese. Oh well.) Edited March 7, 2005 by Shathward
Venefyxatu Posted March 7, 2005 Author Report Posted March 7, 2005 (edited) (And does the name sound Japanese? I didn't mean for it to be Japanese. Oh well.)lol, I must've gotten paranoid about it then... that's what an anime overdose will do to someone who's not really a fan of it Enneh ... thanks, cherrie, for the link! Edited March 7, 2005 by Venefyxatu
Shathward Posted March 7, 2005 Report Posted March 7, 2005 (edited) Next segment is now up and available for everyone's reading pleasure. I hope you all enjoy it hugely. *EDIT: And the next! But no writing from the 9th to the 14-15th, due to chemotherapy, and probably no brainstorming either. But worry not. I'll be back. Edited March 8, 2005 by Shathward
Shathward Posted March 8, 2005 Report Posted March 8, 2005 *whispers in the dead silence* Y'all know you're welcome to comment, alright? The more the merrier, really? You know this, right?
Shathward Posted March 13, 2005 Report Posted March 13, 2005 New segment posted. Comment. Now. Please. I beg of you. Is this thread getting abandoned by the readers or is it just me?!!
Wyvern Posted March 14, 2005 Report Posted March 14, 2005 I read through the prologue and the first three chapters of this story and think that you have a very good outline for a story so far, Shathward. I particularly like a number of the details that you incorporated in these first few segments, such as the use of the Gonarth sewers as Sakaso's resting place and the notion of the Godslayer killing the best of the thieves with a single hand. Sakaso also seems like an interesting character who is undergoing changes, and with an immortal God now inhabiting his thoughts I'm sure his personality will become further complicated. In terms of potential improvements: one thing that stood out to me that you might want to improve upon are the character interactions in the piece, as there were times when the dialogues between the characters and the manners they interacted struck me as a bit forced. Two examples of this would be the couple arguing in chapter 1, which seemed to devolve into violent accusations a little too quickly, and Hanarth's initial reaction to the entrance of the Godslayer in chapter 2, which was a bit dramatic and unrealistic. Also, I felt that while the details and setting were very good, there were times where these elements were told in an expository manner when they could have been shown, such as when the Gods are listed directly in chapter 2. Finally, I'm still searching for an underlying conflict that Sakaso must face, and the sooner it's introduced the better... Does he now have his heart set on avenging his friends by finding and killing the Godslayer? Once again, this is a nice start. I'll be sure to check for future chapters to see how it developes.
Shathward Posted March 15, 2005 Report Posted March 15, 2005 (edited) Yes! Yes!! Someone cares!!! *bursts into tears and hangs onto Wyvern's leg* Er, yes. I guess things seemed too unnatural, but I wanted to give detailed descriptions. Sometimes I feel writing lacks enough description of the world where the characters are roaming. You have a good point, though. About the two couples, I was struggling a bit with the beginning. A good point, too, though it could be possible that the two are deeply embittered since they might be stuck together for financial reasons. Perhaps you're right about the Gods, but I just wanted to mention them now, in a big list, and briefly explain how religion worked for these people and maybe do individual, detailed descriptions later. As for the conflict that will motivate Sakaso, well, it's not going to come very much out of the death of his 'comrades'. Remember, though these are the only people who are more familiar with Sakaso than the people on the street, they're still thieves, and they still can rob, backstab, and murder each other at any moment. He only said that to Mitsuko, who by the way is a DIVINE HAND and NOT a god, because he was feeling cynical. Sakaso's motivation for his part in the plot hasn't quite come yet. He will need to do more self-searching, more exploring, more of everything before he works that out for himself. In short, the story is only just beginning. If I ever get around to finishing it rather than quitting halfway. *EDIT: Fixed grammar blooper. 'quit' to 'quitting'. I don't know why I randomly edited this. Edited March 15, 2005 by Shathward
Venefyxatu Posted March 27, 2005 Author Report Posted March 27, 2005 I've no real comments to add story-wise (because I still like it), just two OOC comments (which you shouldn't take too seriously, either). - See? I told you Sakaso was Japanese-sounding I've got no problem with that, though (other than my extremely slight aversion to anime which I can't even explain properly). - "There is honour among thieves, or I am no thief." - Ian Blacktear. It's interesting to see the thieves being more of a scheming, backstabbing group than what I usually imagine fantasy thieves to be - keep it up!
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