reverie Posted March 7, 2005 Report Posted March 7, 2005 Hi, I'd left this one unfinished in the Workshop for a several months, and by chance took a second look at it, and decided it as close to done as it ever going to be... Oh well, feel free to enjoy or cringe to your hearts content. 30Nov04 Protégé A reflection through a prism Inspired and intertwined... So would it do you justice? If I gave you all my time… You're a kind of tempered energy Too near to my own heart… Still, I’d wonder what you’d think of me If you knew me from the start… It’s not that I would turn away Or mind fading in your light… Only, I’m not sure the path I see Will steer you from the night… A little bit of me, I saw amplified in you And if you pass, then pass me by… - with your lovely crystal hue - And if the years reverse themselves And our roles did interchange I'd hope that I'd reflect you too And the time wore just same rev...
Ayshela Posted March 12, 2005 Report Posted March 12, 2005 not only is this well worded (the imagery in the first line drew me in immediately) but i like the progression from separated pairs of lines, to three lines, to four, amplifying a considered drawing closer. nicely done.
reverie Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Posted March 12, 2005 (edited) ya know, i never realized I did that progression thing you speak of with the lines... Sweet... Ayshela, thanks for your insight pointing that out for me. Although, i guess I could have united the all the two line stanzas into four like this: Protégé A reflection through a prism Inspired and intertwined... So would it do you justice? If I gave you all my time… You're a kind of tempered energy Too near to my own heart… Still, I’d wonder what you’d think of me If you knew me from the start… It’s not that I would turn away Or mind fading in your light… Only, I’m not sure the path I see Will steer you from the night… A little bit of me, I saw amplified in you And if you pass, then pass me by… - with your lovely crystal hue - And if the years reverse themselves And our roles did interchange I'd hope that I'd reflect you too And the time wore just same ...I don't know, anyone think it loses too much by doing that??? ...or should I have just left it alone for the sake of progression. considering, rev... Edited March 12, 2005 by reverie
Ayshela Posted March 12, 2005 Report Posted March 12, 2005 you know, i wondered when i first looked at it why you *hadn't* joined the two line sets, since they were united by rhyme, but in a way they're more united by rhythm and rhyme than direct content - and joining them, you lose the thoughtful pause as shift from one concept, one angle to another, as well as losing the progression and leaving the set of *three* lines seeming out of place.
reverie Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Posted March 12, 2005 good point... I'll leave them disconnected then. In looking over my first and second draft, I see that the 2 couplets stanza were like that from beginning... So you're right, why change them? Hmm... In retrospect, I think internally, I had a sence of hesitation writing this... So the pauses you picked up on prolly manifested from them. I also remember worrying about it all coming out sounding forced and contrived as well... Hmm, maybe in a few years, I'll actually show it to the person i wrote it for... rev...
Ayshela Posted March 13, 2005 Report Posted March 13, 2005 hesitation, thoughtful pause, yes that shows. but i really don't think you need worry about "forced" or "contrived". =)
reverie Posted May 19, 2005 Author Report Posted May 19, 2005 (edited) V. (possible variation) I experimented some by changing one line inorder to clean up a rhythmic stumble in the 5th stanza that's always bother me... 19MAY05 Protégé A reflection through a prism Inspired and intertwined... So would it do you justice? If I gave you all my time… You're a kind of tempered energy Too near to my own heart… Still, I’d wonder what you’d think of me If you knew me from the start… It’s not that I would turn away Or send you from my sight… Only, I’m not sure the path I see Will steer you from the night… A little bit of me, I saw amplified in you And if you pass, then pass me by… - with your lovely crystal hue - And if the years reverse themselves And our roles did interchange I'd hope that I'd reflect you too And the time wore just same Edited May 19, 2005 by reverie
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