Loki Wyrd Posted February 24, 2005 Report Posted February 24, 2005 Tell me, is it any good when I partake of the kind? Reticent whispers and fingerprints Are left upon this wall-- With an eyeball in my palm I seldom grasp at what I stare-- Hearing the words that aren't spoken That try to touch what isn't there. Patient questions asking why Soon take another tone-- The dark left alone to kill you With its gentle urgings on-- Bring about the words explaining How to cry without a sound. Contrition weighing on your chest Breathes deeply in the fumes-- The sun alludes to false contentions That the moon would soon remove-- Minds expanding in pools of vomit That your body would sooner lose.
Wyvern Posted February 27, 2005 Report Posted February 27, 2005 I like this poem, Loki Wyrd, and think that a number of the details in it are very original and evocative. Two images that particularly struck me were that of the narrators hand holding an eyeball in the first stanza, and the notion of "Minds expanding in pools of vomit" in the final stanza. The first stanza was probably my favorite in the poem, as the sensory details and seemless metaphors of sight and touch were excellently done. In terms of things that you could potentially improve: the references to "the dark," "The sun" and "the moon" in the second and third stanzas strike me as a bit vague, and you may want to expand upon them a bit to strengthen their significance. Also, I didn't understand the title of the poem, and was actually expecting a limirick when I first clicked on the thread. Very good work, overall.
Sweetcherrie Posted February 27, 2005 Report Posted February 27, 2005 I'd have to totally agree with Wyvern, I loved the image with the eyeball. So not a lot left fot me to say really, just that I really liked this. *hugs* - Sweetcherrie
Loki Wyrd Posted February 27, 2005 Author Report Posted February 27, 2005 (edited) At the time of posting, it didn't really have a title. As a rule of thumb for me, nonsense in the title signifies that there is no title. Thank you both for the comments. I revised it this afternoon, please let me know if this is better/worse. Any suggestions for how I could make it better are, as always, very much appreciated. I'm still not really sold on it. whispers and fingerprints Reticent whispers and fingerprints Are left upon this wall-- With an eyeball resting in my palm, I seldom grasp at what I stare-- Hearing the words that aren't spoken That try to touch what isn't there. Patient questions asking why Assume another voice-- If swathes of shadow paint a face abhorrent, Can the slightest turn of the head be profound?-- Eliciting the words to describe How to cry without a sound. Contrition weighing on your chest Breathes deeply in the smog-- Your smile withers behind a lie, With the child beyond left for refuse-- Minds expanding in pools of vomit That your body would sooner lose. Edited March 2, 2005 by Loki Wyrd
Wyvern Posted March 6, 2005 Report Posted March 6, 2005 I really like this new version of your poem, Loki Wyrd. Dropping the references to the "sun," the "moon," and the "dark" has made for a more vivid work on the whole, in my opinion, and I particularly like your revision of "Soon take another tone--" to "Assume another voice--" in the second stanza. The imagery and metaphors that you use are excellent, and the poem definately strikes me as being rich with meaning. If you're worried about how this new version of the poem sounds in comparison to the first version (as you hinted at to me in your PM), you might consider rephrasing the lines "If swathes of shadow paint a face abhorrent,/ Can the slightest turn of the head be profound?--" in the second stanza. These lines have a higher syllabel count than the rest of the poem, and also strike me as being slightly wordier and more descriptive than the other lines. If they were made more succinct, it might aid the flow of the poem. Great stuff, once again. I really like the title "whispers and fingerprints," would you like the thread title editted to that?
Loki Wyrd Posted March 7, 2005 Author Report Posted March 7, 2005 Yes, please. I was wondering about that part in the middle. My only problem is I rather like the "swathes of shadow." I was thinking with it stuck in the middle I could pass it as being a bit of a break. *thanks*
Loki Wyrd Posted May 8, 2005 Author Report Posted May 8, 2005 (edited) once more revised: whispers and fingerprints Reticent whispers and fingerprints are left upon this wall-- With an eyeball resting in my palm I seldom grasp at what I stare-- Hearing the words that aren't spoken try to touch what isn't there. Patient questions asking why assume another voice: (If swathes of shadow paint a face abhorrent, will not the slightest turn of head be significant?) Rasping, spitting cough projected like a choice. Iron maiden lungs breathe shallow smog-- Your daughters crawl in bed; before sleep the story must come first-- Mind, sponge in vomit-pool, forgetful of its thirst. Edited May 9, 2005 by Loki Wyrd
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