blind

[Curious Mylo]

Walking blindly into mist

I know she’s there, I must insist

They say give up, she must have died

I don’t believe it, I denied

They always try to break apart

Friendship stronger than their heart

The black coal sitting it the place

Of their heart, the truth they’ll face

They wonder why she ray away

After they broke into day

Now she lies in the ditch

I wish that our lives could switch

Then it would be me lying there

But of this, they’re unaware

When you mess with two best friends

You’re never gunna like the ends

Don’t forget it deep inside

You killed us, it’s not suicide.

[HopperWolf]

Well written piece, Broken,

 

It flowed well and had a good underlying structure. You seem to understand the form reasonably well and I like the way you play with it.

 

"I don't believe it, I denied" is an excellent example. In fact those three lines seem structured perfectly to support each other most effectively. i especially like the way you didn't change format for speach or enclose it in speach marks or seperate it in any way. much nicer to read this way.

 

"After they broke into day

Now she lies in the ditch

I wish that our lives could switch

Then it would be me lying there"

 

I found that I stumbled at these four lines when reading aloud. The beat disintigrates a bit here - forcing the reader to make unnatural pauses and tempting them to add their own words.

 

Poetry is the art of expression and I see great eloquence, not just in what you say but in how you say it.

 

And as to what you say, I find your word choices quite compelling in most places.

 

"They always try to break apart

Friendship stronger than their heart"

 

For example, here the choice of "break apart" and "heart". While the second line on its own could seem perhaps a little contrived, with the rhyme from the preceding line when you read the couplet you are left with an impression of a broken heart, which influences the entire piece. and goes even further because it adds depth and definition to the bare statement made.

 

I'm seeing seeds of this sort of patterning throughout the poem. There is definitely a lot of content here and much to ponder.

 

Nice work