Sweetcherrie Posted February 3, 2005 Report Posted February 3, 2005 I will fly tomorrow First time I will die tomorrow Oh my I will fly tomorrow Back home I may die tomorrow Oh dear I will fly tomorrow Courage lost I can’t die tomorrow Oh God I will fly tomorrow Reason settles I won’t die tomorrow Oh no
Peredhil Posted February 3, 2005 Report Posted February 3, 2005 When you fly tomorrow, Prayers lift you. You won't die tomorrow - Oh no. When you fly tomorrow, Love supports. You won't die tomorrow - God knows. When you fly tomorrow, You will land Didn't die tomorrow, Come and post!
Regel Posted February 4, 2005 Report Posted February 4, 2005 I really liked the feel and sound of this. Tickled me in a place I can reach nor explain. Maybe the reptition or the unique style, doesn't matter I liked it.
Sweetcherrie Posted February 4, 2005 Author Report Posted February 4, 2005 (edited) I have flown today Back home Didn't die today Oh no I have flown today Above clouds Partly died today Going down I have flown today First time Didn't die today No way I have flown today Saw the light Couldn't die today Had to write Thanks Guys!! I have made it through my first flight, and although I felt slightly nauseous, I have survived. (I'm not happy with the last stanza, and might try and rewrite it (suggestions are welcome ) - Sweetcherrie Edited February 4, 2005 by Sweetcherrie
Ayshela Posted February 6, 2005 Report Posted February 6, 2005 congrats on accomplishing your first flight - while not without fear, without being crippled by it. no small accomplishment, that. glad you wrote. in the last stanza, if you want to make that stand out a bit from the rest you would do well to add "I" to the beginning of each line for the added emphasis. it would break your stanza syllable pattern, but if it's the emphasis you're looking for, you might try that. neat patterning, though, and an intriguing handling of subject. i like it. =)
Appy Posted February 6, 2005 Report Posted February 6, 2005 I like all of these, good style And congrats on taking your flight afterall! I haven't flown in my life either but am considering it to visit a faraway friend... scares me to bits tho, just the idea heh. But you did it Small suggestion on the last stanza, use Ayshela's idea of using "I" and change the second line maybe to something like this? I have flown today I took that flight I couldn't die today I had to write 'Cause to me the 'Saw the light' has too much to do with dying and has no place in the last stanza which is all about survival, right? Look forward to see what you do with it.
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