Open Not 'Til The Fourteenth

[drummondo]

Open Not 'Til The Fourteenth

 

This card I give is plain, much like the way

I feel about you; only colours eight

Emblazon the front cover, yet they say

Much more than any cliché could relate.

 

Unsurprisingly, the first is red,

But not for bleeding hearts; I think, instead,

Of chilled cheeks, chafed by winter, and your nose,

So rosy in the frost of season's close.

 

I chose a brown to represent your eyes,

But could not find the shade to summarise

The way that once, you looked at me, and I

Returned the glance quickly, for I was shy.

 

A green, because I saw you once in green,

and frowned as you asked, "What does this bit mean?

'From'? Surely, darling, I deserve 'With Love'?"

I wish I could, I really wish I could.

 

I used both blue and purple, for I think

That they're your favourite colours, though my ink

When I last wrote a poem just for you

Was blue, too. Purple's just a bleeding blue.

 

For you and I, (though you swear we're ok)

I see us as an area of grey;

A shaded unknown pair, although I fear

That you see us as being more a "clear".

 

And black portrays the darkness that I face,

Without you here, to hold in light embrace,

Yet pure white are the thoughts of you, that dance

Across the bleakness of my lost romance.

 

With love,

 

Your poet.

 

P.S.

 

I had to send this, but, please, fear not,

For I expect no welcoming reply,

Ignore it if you must. There's not a lot

That I can say to you, but I must try.

Edited February 2, 2005 by drummondo

[Sweetcherrie]

I wish I would receive poems like this on valentine's day

 

*hugs*

 

- Sweetcherrie

[Kasmandre]

I really like this. The way you tie the various colors of the card's front (which I find myself trying to picture throughout, a good sign ), works really well and you stay away from the some of the obvious clichés, which is refreshing. Great job.

 

A few things you might want to think about though. Your rhyme scheme in your stanzas switches between ABAB and AABB. You might want to think about making it uniform and only switching in the PS. I think it would keep a smoother rhythm and emphasize the last stanza. Another thing you might think about changing is in the fourth line of the fifth stanza ("Was blue..."). Ending a sentence in the middle of that line feels a little strange and if it was made one sentence, the breaks in the last stanza would be much more noticeable.

 

Very good, though. I wish I could write something like this for someone.

[Gryphon]

There are times, when I clumsily flail around in the world of poetry.

 

Usually I manage to do this without any significant rhythm or style, often for no better reason than to try and communicate a feeling, or something I saw that I wish the world, or at least my friends here could share with me...

 

There have been times when I've written for someone special.

 

I wish that I could produce material like this instead of the clumsy ramblings that I do.

 

Thankyou for sharing.

[Appy]

*echo's Sweetcherries comment*

 

Here's to hoping the receiver (if there actually is one) will appreciate this the way it should be appreciated. Now that was an awkward sentence but you get the idea I hope

 

I enjoyed reading it at least, thanks