Lone Shadow Posted January 16, 2005 Report Posted January 16, 2005 It's been a while, too long in fact, since my last time here. By all means, enjoy.. As Morning’s sun awakens something that none knew was present The rays’ touch, a breath of life, caresses my soul. A downy feather playing in the breeze, settles gently on a pond Crisp, fresh, my senses heightened as the mirthful gust tousles my hair. Ripples moving, imperceptible to all but those who look Splashing over me, serving to only whet my thirst. Drifting across the surface, this tiny feather eagerly explores Awakened energies, foreign perceptions, an unaccustomed yen. Such is your kiss.
reverie Posted February 8, 2005 Report Posted February 8, 2005 elegent... Sorry I missed this polished piece on the first go 'round. Amazing how much you can feel in a kiss... rev... :zorro
Lone Shadow Posted April 10, 2005 Author Report Posted April 10, 2005 Thanks Rev, I was wondering what people thought of this one, but after a week of no replies I sort of gave up on it. Just stopped by doing a search for some of my writing and saw your reply. Again, thank you. Lone
Loki Wyrd Posted April 11, 2005 Report Posted April 11, 2005 I also missed it on the first go around, but better late than never. Thanks Reverie, for bringing it back (and Lone Shadow, for writing it). To begin with, I think your first 2 couplets show some real merit, especially the 4th line. I was, however, unsure about the 5th line. It seems to me that you're just stating the obvious with the imperceptible bit. I think I see what you're going for, but perhaps you could find an alternative way of saying it? Finally, I very much like how you spring that last line on us, and the 4th couplet works well as a thruway to it. In short, I like it. Post more often. Oh, one more comment, after having looked over it again: I think the 3rd couplet needs to specifically mention something about the feather, as otherwise it seems like you bring it out in the open, and then you forget about it for a while until you're ready for it to serve your purpose. Are the ripples attributable to the feather or the wind? It's a strong piece, I just think that one couplet could use some work. Sorry about being so long-winded (bad pun).
Lone Shadow Posted April 11, 2005 Author Report Posted April 11, 2005 I appreciate you taking the time to voice your thoughts on this, Loki. With the 5th line, I was going for the “see without looking, hear without listening” concept. If you aren’t looking with a practiced eye, then you may never see what is truly there. In the third couplet, the ripples created from the feather’s landing temporarily distract you from its existence. I was hoping to have the reader forget about the feather, the way one would forget about the rain while watching a thunderstorm. I know I don’t post as often as I should, and I would like to post more, but I’m not the type of person who is able to do stop and go work on a piece of writing. If the motivation isn’t there to write the piece from start to finish, it either doesn’t get written or comes off as incredibly forced. I may have a new poem up sometime in May though; fresh motivation in the form of a road trip through parts unknown.
Loki Wyrd Posted April 11, 2005 Report Posted April 11, 2005 Thank you for the elucidation, I somehow overlooked that...must be I did not really look. Normally I would suggest italicizing 'look,' so that the emphasis on it helps clarify what you're trying to get across, but you already italicize the whole poem. Now I'm even more interested to see you posting again. I'll have to keep an eye out for you. Beware!
Lone Shadow Posted April 11, 2005 Author Report Posted April 11, 2005 Digging through my collection, small as it is, I found one that I haven't yet posted. I can't remember how long ago I wrote it though...maybe I should start dating these things. Anyway -- Words have failed me Swept away with the tide Flowing through my soul. Visions of you surface Gone again in an instant My love wills them to return. Eyes falling shut Soothing waves envelop me I hear a whisper. A closer listen reveals the words I repeat here "I love you." Water seems to be a factor in what I've written within the past 2 years, as I try to draw my inspiration from my surroundings.. and I happen to be on an island. End of April though, and I'm going to be in the States again. I plan to spend a couple days driving through the redwoods of northern California.
Loki Wyrd Posted April 11, 2005 Report Posted April 11, 2005 (edited) There's nothing wrong with using the water, it's certainly a powerful influence for anyone, playing the ever-encompassing role in all our lives that it does. I also know about the need for dating my work; atm I'm working in about 4 notebooks with my writing, and I have a hard time even knowing where the things I've written are...must work on those organization skills. Of your two poems, I'd say your first one was the stronger. The imagery is more evocative, I feel. However, I think this has a strong theme, and I like the way you used the tide in your poem. Also worth mentioning, hearing the whisper on the waves (how I read it) is a neat idea. Feel free to post more, I'll read them. I might even have to go and search for what else you posted here. Edited April 11, 2005 by Loki Wyrd
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