sweetnightmare Posted January 6, 2005 Report Posted January 6, 2005 (edited) A desert Flower Like a dry and desolate desert People looked upon me Dirt, thorns, a poison bite I can hurt people I can dry them up Grasping them with my twisted weeds, Driving them toward insanity They can hurt me Treat me like garbage Dry hot days left me alone Then a drop of rain A cloud of dark gray Gentle slits of angel tears soaking in my dry plains A swift of spring A dash of magic Then out of the dry crackling ground Beauty in a desert flower Dry bitterness, broiling heat waves of malice Seasons of resentment The angel's sweet kiss of forgiveness The magic and power In a single desert flower EDIT: spelling gently fixed by request Edited January 12, 2005 by sweetnightmare
Loki Wyrd Posted January 6, 2005 Report Posted January 6, 2005 It's good to have a happy ending. I especially like those last two lines, they wrap the poem up nicely. On the last stanza, though, you got a little sloppy with the spelling. Nothing a few second edit won't fix. One suggestion...on the second stanza, "Then all of a sudden" just doesn't sound that great IMO. Perhaps try to throw in something creative and original to spice it up. Just a suggestion.
sweetnightmare Posted January 6, 2005 Author Report Posted January 6, 2005 Spelling....emm...yeah i need a little help where that is concerned. Mac's don't really have the greatest spell check. Help me out
sweetnightmare Posted January 6, 2005 Author Report Posted January 6, 2005 Pulls out 50lbs eraser, and starts thinking of a better way to put it...* "Then out of the dry crackling ground" Instead of " then all of a sudden" Is it better now ?
Loki Wyrd Posted January 7, 2005 Report Posted January 7, 2005 I much prefer that. P.S. Don't be down on the Macs, I'm a user...I get by. Besides, I find it's best just to read over what you've written, and if you're not sure about a word, go to the dictionary. Spell check is alright, but you don't want to rely too heavily on it. Plus, when you read over it again, you might find a way to improve on what you've written. You never know.
Wyvern Posted January 10, 2005 Report Posted January 10, 2005 A very nice poem, sweetnightmare. I really like the imagery that you incorporate throughout it, particularly the metaphor of "Gentle slits of angel tears" for rain drops, which I found striking. The contrast between the "Dry bitterness" of the flower in heat and its "beauty" after the rains have fallen is also intriguing, and makes for an interesting read. In terms of potential improvements, one thing that struck me as a bit out of place was the way that the last stanza begins with "Here is a lesson to be learned," which seems to come off as rather pretentious in tone. Perhaps if this line were simply dropped from the stanza, it would work better. Once again, nice work. Great to see you posting in these halls.
Zariah Posted January 11, 2005 Report Posted January 11, 2005 This poem is beautiful! I would only maybe (in my opinion change one thing, to make it sound more like the rest which is poetic) So this is the suggestion: Changing "Even bring them to an insane point" To something like "Or drive them toward insanity"
sweetnightmare Posted January 12, 2005 Author Report Posted January 12, 2005 (edited) Tell me My LAdy, is this better? thank you agian for your thoughts, they mean so much to me. Edited January 12, 2005 by sweetnightmare
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