Quincunx - "In the City"

[Wyvern]

Apart from YanYanGanaffi's comment on the first post in the thread, I haven't seen any peoples' thoughts on this story so far, so I thought I'd start a thread of feedback for it here.

 

I'm really enjoying this story so far, Quin, and am definitely looking forward to seeing how it developes. I think that the scenario that you've set up in these first few posts is very original and evocative, as Ludmilia's conflict immediately intrigued me and drew me into the story. Many of your sentences incorporate more original details than some full stories have over the course of their duration, and they establish an extremely vivid picture of the scenes. Regardless of the partially borrowed setting, there's also something eerily personal about the narrative that I find very intriguing, and the notion that it's part of Tzimfemme's prehistory only amplifies my interest in it. For the record: this is one of the few threads of prose that I immediatly read through upon first viewing it, rather than skimming over it and then revisiting it later as I do with most threads.

 

There was one moment in this initial segment that struck me as somewhat awkward, which was Ludmilia's brief dialogue in the first post. I felt that the switch from "I need a man" to "forget that, they keep on hanging around" seemed a bit abrupt... maybe if her train of thought were interspersed with a product commercial, or some other small event that causes her tone to shift, it would work better.

 

Eagerly anticipating the continuation!

Wyv

[reverie]

i like it... I always get the impression you never hold anything back... makes for strong charactors I think. I love the harsh detail of the future city. Actually reminds me of the a crazier version of Anne Macaffrey's earth in "pegasus in flight..." and future worlds in anime and comics do come to mind as well...

 

am making a note check out the comic... one day...

 

rev...

[Quincunx]

Probably the train of thought in the first post wasn't just interspersed with a commercial, it was inspired by one--thanks, Wyvern--dropping the note here to revise after more of the story is complete.

 

[EDIT: Other things to be smoothed out, partly style questions, partly unifying details written over weeks.]

 

First post: The commercials that display while Ludmila thinks aloud show a happy family gathered around a holographic television, then a divorce lawyer, both with a backdrop of bursting neon signs. Add details that show Ludmila is young-at-heart mid-twenties, and lives alone, perhaps a number of objects-for-one, and the general disarray of the apartment. Ludmila herself is unclear: she is gaunt-faced and thin through her waist, but then her body gave up and let her hips and thighs be contoured.

 

Second post: Mention that the credit card disappears into the door lock. Delete "responded" and make the door simply open sluggishly. Change "shoot" to "break". Take the "d" off of "wrinkled". Turn Ludmila's driver's license and/or photo into something that marks her as a pure strain--watery eyes, heavy brows and hips contrasted with her current bland beauty. Change "layer" to "curtain". Ease the awkwardness of the non-quotation thought. Rephrase "downed" to "swallowed".

 

Third post: Change the pasted smile to something which lets the contempt show and "true students" to "student workers" or somesuch. Clarify the instructions on wearing the gown. Change "sockets" to "rounded prongs", also smooth out the phrasing of the instrument tray. Unite the following sentences beginning with "With her other hand. . ." to the previous paragraph. Delete "I'm" from "I'm sorry," as Ludmila is not polite. Remove mention of ex-girlfriend, it's too blatant at that point.

 

Fourth post: Add an air pollution index (high) to the television. Change the sentence about the loveseat so that it is inanimate like the following descriptions. Add liquor to the table--what would Ludmila drink, something strong and tasteless? Change "do battle" to something more deliberate. Clarify the voice command to the door. Mention Ludmila looking at the ceiling for patience, remove the inward groan. Rephrase "suit jacket", it's technically correct but awkward. Expand "they're" to "they are", "get" to "purchase", and elaborate after the dash, showing the missing word.

 

Fifth post: Change "at the table" to "beside the table". Think of a word better than "serve" that implies Ludmila's takeout habits. Refine "we" and "you" to "our family" and "yours" respectively. Kill the phrase "don't you know that" and rephrase it to ". . .Haven't you been curious about your family?" or somesuch. Reword the Living History Reservations to the Historicals, as it stands it's a direct plagiarazation, perhaps exchange "transplant" for "move" to imply permanence and soften the statement of the contribution, that's Ludmila's voice in Zacariah. Last sentence is still awkward, reword.

 

Sixth post: Name the rejuvenation clinic and put a promotional poster on the booth. Replace "chirped" with a softer, oilier verb. "it" in the second paragraph is still awkward, perhaps use "instrument", something other than "pen". Rephrase the passage of time to "Three months, and it's been hell." Change "bulimic" to "anemic" and/or "anorexic", extend the rant by a sentence or so after removing RH mention, it is scientifically inaccurate, and blood clumping. Replace "reached" with a more violent verb. Delete "of an eighteen-year-old". Add "--and the police--" after "clinic". Add a closing sentence where Ludmila turns her back and leaves Michelle with the jar.

 

Seventh post: Smooth out the phrasing of the windowed cap on the glass jar. Remove one repetition of "sample" from the "sample gun" phrases. Make "Target Age" a single reply and add fields for "Insurance", after which she drops the jar in the trash, and "Subscription"--annual, per decade, none as options. Remove jar from trash for second sample and show that the fetus is already dead, add Michelle disarming the gun before sampling herself. Correct "Master Luc" to "Mister Luc". Last sentence is still awkward, reword.

 

Eighth post: Have Rajiv inspect the sample visually to justify the hair detail. Remove "preserved". Tzimfemme's skin is translucent like amber glass, changing hue when placed in the slightly stronger lights above the recovery bed. Add "his" before "finger" and change the verb to something more deliberate. Condense his later words to "hey, fem, you busy on Friday night?" Change "drop" to "release". "Told" is not told to a voice-operated system, replace. Change "flicked" to "fumbled". Tzimfemme cried when Rajiv tried to clothe her, not when she saw the robe. Add a curse after "oof!" and another set of ellipses, and he ends the conversation by removing the headset.

 

[EDIT #2: Never edit before the story is complete! I've been bogged down in nitpicking for weeks.]

Edited April 18, 2006 by Quincunx

[Peredhil]

Just found this.

 

Wow Quin', your nitpicking is wonderful. I wish I could nitpick one of my stories with that eye - if I reread, I get emotional and usually just want to delete instead of finding constructive ways to change.