Riven Posted November 27, 2004 Report Posted November 27, 2004 Riven stood waiting for a knock at his study door, Timak faithly by his side. "So, you have taken a liking to this girl, Timak?" Riven glances at Timak with a slight smile. Timak tried to think of something to say, yet knew that Riven already knew the truth through his empathic ablities. "I just met her, si.."Timak was cut off by a knock on the door. Riven swiftly walks to door, openning it for his special guest. "Please come in, Tanny, is it?" Riven ask as he glances to Timak, who give a slight nod to confine. "Yes." Tanny bows slightly to Riven before entering the room. Tanny catches Timak out of the corner of her eye, grinning she gives him a slight wave. Riven smiles inwardly as he watches the exchange between the two of them, knowing full well if he was younger he would be attracted to Tanny as well . Riven waits a moment before escorting Tanny to a chair, pulling it out for her, "Please have a seat." He moves back to his own seat across the table from her. That is when Tanny notices the two bat like wings that Riven has. Tanny stares for a moment too long allowing Riven time to catch her, "I'm a half demon." "Oh.." is the only reply Tanny can think of as she blushes a bit out of embarrassment. Tanny shifts slightly being so near someone with demon blood, which in turns makes Riven slightly uncomfortable. Timak notices the discomfort, "It's okay." he nods to Tanny with a slight smile, which seems to help her relax. For a moment which seems to drag, there is nothing but silence between the three of them. Riven finally breaks the silences "So, you wanted to hear the story of the 54 dragons, Tanny?" "Yes." Tanny says with a slight nod. With that Riven waves his hand and the rooms seems to grow darker. Under his breath, Riven says a mantra and several balls of light form on the table between Tanny and him. The balls of light form to make an image of a great hall filled with hundred of knights. Riven becomes a bit grave as he begins his story. "The story begins many years ago when Northwind was still part of a larger kingdom. The king had gathered his knightss because of an attack by a group of dragons." The images on the table seem to change to fit with the story. "Who will protect the province of Northwind? " The image of the king cried out, "Are there no brave knights among you? Are you scared of a few black dragons?" The moving pictures focus on a younger Riven, he glances around him and sees no one willing to defend this poor section of the kingdom. Riven takes a deep breath before standing up, "I will protect those poor people from the dragons." From out of the crowd someone shouts, "I think he just wants to be with his own kind!" Everyone burst out in laughter at Riven. Riven interrupts the story for a moment, he looks up at Tanny," In case you didn't know, black dragons are red dragon infused with demon blood." Riven turns back to controlling the images, there the young Riven bows his head in shame and begins to take his seat again. "Is no one willing to join this brave knight in his quest?" Hearing the king's words, Riven remain standing. For the longest time no one say or did anything, it was so silent in the hall you could hear mice running across the rafters. A voice of a young boy broke through the silence, the boy was one of the servant's son, barely six years of age. "I will go with the knight to fight the dragons." Still no one else stood or said anything, the king became disgusted with his knights. "Where is your valor? Have you no shame? You'd let a single knight and a boy fight this war? How dare you call yourselves knights!" The king spit on the ground towards the knights, storming off, he stopped, saying to one of his servants, "Bring the knight and the boy to my war room." An hour later, the boy, Timak, and the knight, Riven were led into the king's war room. The two of them waited for the arrivial of the king, as soon as he enter, both of them knelt before him. "Please rise, it should be me kneeling before you." The king helped Timak to his feet, he raised the boy's chin to look into his eyes, "A son of a servant, braver then all of my knights. Do not worry boy, you and your family shall never serve again. I hereby make you a squire, you shall be by Sir Riven's side forever more. You should be honored serving by his side, he is one of the highest regarded mageknights in the kingdom." The king turned to Riven, "Oh, most blessed knight, I am sorry I am sending you alone for this battle." "I am not alone, Sire, I have the bravest squire with me." Riven gave a quick wink to Timak. "Ah, yes! Come...I'm having the finest armor made for the two of you. The two of you shall leave in a week's time." The king led the pair to a table where a map had been laid out. The three of them discussed plans, and make all arrangements for the pair's departure. The week leading up to the departure, Timak was trained as much as possible in the art of weapon usage. He seemed naturally gifted with the spear. Riven prepared in a different way for the adventure, locking himself in his private study. He went over his spells hundreds of times, practicing each, knowing full well this may turn into a battle of magic. The week flew by for the two of them and before they knew it, it was time to leave. Riven carried with him several weapons, an axe, sword, warhammer that returned to him anytime he called it, chains and a few daggers. Riven made sure the boy carried a spear, a sword and a single dagger. The king gave the pair his two mightiest warhorses. The pair travelled for a week to get to Northwind. Riven began to speak to the boy as a dragon swooped down grabbing Riven's horse. Riven drove off of his horse, knocking Timak from his horse just as a second dragon swoop down for him. The two of them tumbled on the ground for a moment, before Riven got to his feet, grabbing the boy and ran as fast as possible for the cover of the trees. "You stay here...you will be protected by the trees. You will know when the time is right to attack with your spear, Timak." with that Riven stood up, calling his warhammer to him. Riven quickly flew into the air, caughting the first dragon off guard, he slammed his warhammer into the dragon's head. The dragon fell from the death blow. That caught the second dragon's attention, he turned to charge at Riven. Riven began to chant a mantra under his breath, hovering in place. Riven drew his sword as the dragon flew closer, Riven closed his eyes knowing he had to time this prefectly for it to work. As the dragon's mouth was about to snap, Riven moved with lightning speed, piercing the dragon where his skull and spine meet. The second dragon fell with a thump to his death. "Very good, you have killed two of my dragons, I am most impressed!" Riven turned in mid air to see the liche king, and the remaining dragons. Before Riven had a chance to react, the other dragons knocked him to the ground. Riven glanced to Timak, he could see the boy was about to make his move. Riven shook his head, and lipped the words not yet. Riven regained his footing, wiping the blood from his mouth. He charged the liche king, but the dragons blocked his path. An epic battle broke out between Riven and the dragons. In the end Riven slew all but one of the dragons. It was the biggest of the dragons. Winded and injured, his left arm no long functioning Riven stared into the eyes of the last dragon. The liche king began clapping his hands, "Bravo! Bravo! I haven't seen such a warrior in ages...but it will not save you." The liche king began chanting a mantra, infusing his soul with that of the dragon's. "Now you will face death, you will not walk away from this battle field alive." the liche dragon growled out. Riven knew his magic would no longer work on the dragon. Riven called his warhammer to him, he took a couple deep breaths and prayed to any god that might by listening. "DIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!" Riven charged the liche dragon, but was knocked to the side without any effect by the dragon. Riven heaved heavily as he stumbled to his feet. Riven was covered in blood, that of the dragons' and his own. Riven tossed his warhammer to the side, and drew his sword. "DIIIIIIEEEE!!!" Riven once again charged the dragon, this time the dragon used the sharp scales on his tail to rip open Riven's chest. Riven fell to his knees, he had lost too much blood to continue the fight. The dragon pinned him down with his front paw, "It looks like you will be the only one to die today." The dragon took in a deep breath preparing to use his breath weapon. Using every bit of his supernatural stregth, Riven lifted the dragon up, exposing his chest, "NOW!!" Riven yelled to the boy, who already started running. The dragon let a laugh out at the thought of the boy killing him. Riven began to chant a holy shield mantra, at the same time the dragon let his breath weapon go onto the boy. From where the boy stood the spear went flying through the air, piercing the dragon's chest. For the moment, time stood still for the three combatants. There was a crash as the body of the dragon fell lifeless to the ground. Riven slowly got up and made his way to where Timak had been. He waited for the smoke to clear to see if his holy shield had worked. The moments dragged on like an eternity, each seeming longer then the last one....tick...tick....tick...tick....tick.... "NOOOO!!" Riven fell to his knees as he saw the charred remains of Timak. Riven grabbed the body to his chest, weeping openly for the boy. "Why didn't you take me instead?!" Riven cried out ot the heavens. Riven clinged to the body, not wanting to let go. Riven lost track of time but, finally got himself togather, wiping the last tears from his eyes. Riven wrapped the remains in his sleeping roll, and started to walk towards the nearest town. He knew he could give Timak a knight's funeral there. The images on the table fade, "That my dear lass is the story of the 53 1/2 dragons." Riven watched the confused Tanny as she glances between where the image was and where Timak now stands. "But..if..how?" Riven grin softly, "My dear, that is a story for another time. Now if you two will excuse me, I have affairs of the state to handle." Riven stands up, offering Tanny a respectful bow, "Timak, please see our guest out." Riven gives a slight bow to Tanny and Timak before leaving the room.
Riven Posted November 30, 2004 Author Report Posted November 30, 2004 Could someone please give some feedback? It took only about an hour and a half to write, I did make it up as I typed it so, I know there are quite a few things I could improve on. I normally make things up as I am writing so alot of times stuff comes out of no where, I know that is one of the biggest problems with my writing. Another is not giving enough detail. I thought this story was getting a little long that is why I skipped over some of the details in it.
Gryphon Posted December 1, 2004 Report Posted December 1, 2004 Looks around and then whispers in Riven's ear... I think everyone's just watching in silence to see how our very own Almost Dragon responds. I found the story to be a little overly compressed in the middle. Possibly this could be because you felt (as you said) the story was getting a bit long? The build up was ok, but killing 2 dragons in one paragraph (which could have been turned into an epic battle all on it's own) seemed a bit too easy. Everyone knows unless you're dealing with really really little dragons they're a little harder to kill than that. Then when you wipe out the remaining 50 and 1/2 dragons in the next paragraph it almost seems irreverant. Still, that's just my thoughts. We'll wait for Wyvern.
Riven Posted December 1, 2004 Author Report Posted December 1, 2004 Yeah, I felt it was a little compressed myself, I have planned to make the battle scene more epic but, I felt it was getting too long. I hope to rewrite this story and fit everything I want into it. And there were 54 dragons, 53 1/2 was just a joke title I made up for the rabbits. I just kept the name so, them would know this was the story behind the joke.
reverie Posted December 1, 2004 Report Posted December 1, 2004 honestly it felt a bit rushed... i agree with Gyphon that the set up was good... but the rest kind of needs more flesh... I don't specialize in prose, but i think this is pretty good since you just improvised it... Go back and edit the heck out of it when you get some time... Not sure if you play video games, but the fight scenes seem to be influenced by them... Already told you on IRC, but the beginning of the inner frame story reminded me a lot of "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight" the author happened to be a comtempory of chaucer... Good story you should give it a try if you haven't already... rev...
Wyvern Posted December 1, 2004 Report Posted December 1, 2004 Riven nods quietly and jots reverie's suggestions down on a dragon paw notepad he carries, sighing to himself and adjusting his dragon skin coat nervously. Pacing back and forth and feeling the comfort of his dragon hide boots, the applicant reaches into his dragon scale backpack and takes out a dragon claw pencil sharpener. He grumbles to himself as he attempts to sharpen his rounded dragon tooth pencil, and curses when it doesn't work. "Darn" mutters Riven, turning towards Gryphon and reverie. "I knew I should have brought my dragon horn sharpener, it's more effective than the dragon claw one. I don't suppose either of you have a pencil sharpener that works with bone?" Gryphon and reverie cast a quick glance to each other, then shrug and shake their heads apologetically. Eyeing Riven curiously, Gryphon clears his throat and eventually musters the courage to ask: "Riven, I'm curious... what's with all the dragon gear anyway?" Riven broods for a moment, then growls: "Well, after the whole 54 dragon slaughter thing, there were all of these dragon corpses blocking the farming pathways of the kingdom... so I guess the King decided to be 'resourceful' with them." Riven sighs and rolls his eyes. "If you think this is excessive, you should see what happened to the kingdom... they even have dragon skeleton playgrounds for the kids." Gryphon snickers a little, and is about to respond when an unmistakable almost dragonic voice interrupts him: "Did I just hear "dragon" and "excessive" mentioned in the same sentence?" Wyvern grins a toothy grin from his position at the doorway, nodding to reverie and Gryphon as he enters into the Office and bowing upon reaching Riven. "Apologies for the slight delay, Riven" hisses Wyvern, snatching up Riven's application story and skimming over it. "You wouldn't believe the rumors circulating the Pen. Supposedly, there's one of those annoying dragon slayer creeps moseying around the... oh. Well, hello there." Wyvern strikes a nervous grin and raises his claws in front of him as Riven grunts angrily, reaching for his sword. The reptilian Elder then quickly tosses a sign around his neck that reads "ALMOST a dragon" for security, and slides an "Undead Vote Almost Dragonic Too" pin to Timak. He then turns to Riven and jitters: "W-well, I mean, th-that is to say, you've certainly embarked on some brave endeavors. Ahahaha! Ha. L-listen, I'll get to stamping this ACCEPTED right away." "Good" declares Riven, grinning to himself and releasing his sword grip. He then points to a bag lying next to his feet. "In return, you can have this bag of leftover dragon parts, which never ended up getting used." Wyvern perks up upon hearing this, and immediately stamps Riven's application ACCEPTED. As the applicant proudly looks over his accepted application, Wyvern begins examining the bag of leftover dragon parts. Clawing the bag and picking it up, the overgrown lizard moves over to a table and then turns it upside down in anticipation, emptying it of several dragon arms and legs. The greedy reptile then suddenly notices that Tanuchan seems to be mysteriously absent... ;-) OOC: An ACCEPTED application, Riven, welcome to the Mighty Pen! I hope that you enjoy your stay here, and apologize for the delay in responding. Once again, welcome.
Tanuchan Posted December 1, 2004 Report Posted December 1, 2004 Tanny grins through the window, waving to Riven and mouthing a 'congrats' to him. Then, feeling happy for not entering that office for this time, shimmers into wolf form and bounds back to the caves under the Pen.... ~~~~ OOC to Wyv: Yup, I wanted something more IC for this one as I appear in the story, but while my Muse was being sluggish, yours worked faster this time... I just hope you don't find a way to dump those dragon arms and legs on me while I'm in the caves looking for Annael...
Ozymandias Posted March 29, 2007 Report Posted March 29, 2007 Feedback, eh? Well, better late than never, right? (and you never know who's watching...) I actually liked this a LOT. It was the story of how Riven and Timak met, and never was about the dragons, except as subplot, wasn't it? Even if the reverse is true, it reads beautifully as a very classic style (and when I say classic style, I say it as one who devoured damn near every prinitng of Greek myth, Mayan myth, American Indian myth, and Arthurian legend I could get my hands on as a young'un. jsyk.) legend of knightly heroes. The only two things I would change are how often you say Riven's name in the piece (it gets annoyingly repetitive) and to add just a little bit more description of the dragons' side of the battles. Not much. The simple, matter-of-fact voice you used works beautifully for a swords and sorcery tale (see all the stories I referenced above, as well as much of Hans Grimm, Wilhem Grimm, and Hans Christian Andersen's works, for example.), so be very cautious to only add something to the tune of...four, maybe five lines, I'd estimate.
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