YanYanGanaffi Posted November 24, 2004 Report Posted November 24, 2004 *Note: I'm not much of a poet. That's why i write short stories (or try to). If this was NASCAR, consider this the practice lap before qualifying (you race fans know what I'm talking about)* Walking slowly along the shoreline, On a beach far, far away, I loneliness I walk, In darkness, I stay. That first kiss from you, Had I known it's worth, I might of shied from it's cost, And chose to sleep in earth. My fingers feel the small marks you left, The price of immortality A constant and perminent reminder Of the gift you gave to me But the life you gave me It was no longer my own For I must drink the life of the living Or I wither down to bone Was it love or loneliness That drove you to make me I have asked this many a time I am at the limit of my sanity Now that you are gone, I alone remain With but memories of you I slowly go insane. As this night is now my last Before the coming of the sun I await death's final embrace My time here is done
Salinye Posted November 24, 2004 Report Posted November 24, 2004 (edited) Wow, this is your first try? Really? Are you sure? Anyway, I really liked it. Every once in a while a piece of vampiric poetry pops up. Psimon had a few I really liked. Which is funny, seeing how vampires really aren't my thing. (Well, except Tamaranis, but he hardly counts as he used to be a Paladin, but I digress...) I really liked the thought and emotion behind this poem. I thought it was really well done. If I were to suggest any changes, (and keep in mind, if this were nascar, my pink slurpee sponsored car would be making enternal laps trying to qualify, so take it with a grain of salt) I'd add an "n" to the "I" in this stanza making it in instead of I. Which I'm sure you meant anyway. Walking slowly along the shoreline, On a beach far, far away, I loneliness I walk, In darkness, I stay. Secondly, I believe you need to fix the spelling of Permanent here. I know you said not to harsh on your spelling as you're working on content, so just know that I really like this poem and figured you'de want that small miniscule error fixed. :0) My fingers feel the small marks you left, The price of immortality A constant and perminent reminder Of the gift you gave to me Thirdly, I feel like this poem has awesome flow but that this one stanza breaks the flow a tiny bit, although I'm not sure I have any suggestions of how you should modify it so that it still expresses what you're trying to say and yet keeps the flow. Although, if you're anything like me, you'll either look at it and say "Sal's crazy, I like it how it is." OR "Hmm, that is a little off, but I think I could tweek it here like this and it will fix it." Was it love or loneliness That drove you to make me I have asked this many a time I am at the limit of my sanity NOW finally, I want to tell you my most favorite part of your poem!!! Although I really like this poem in it's entirety, I really especially liked these three stanzas, especially the first of the three. That first kiss from you, Had I known it's worth, I might of shied from it's cost, And chose to sleep in earth. My fingers feel the small marks you left, The price of immortality A constant and perminent reminder Of the gift you gave to me But the life you gave me It was no longer my own For I must drink the life of the living Or I wither down to bone Good job! I hope this critique was helpful. I'm honestly probably the worst person to critique poetry here, but I love it when people critique my work, so seeing as this is your first poem, I wanted to be sure it got worthwhile attention! Thanks for sharing and hope to see more from you in the future. Sponsored by Slurpee ~Salinye **edited to fix typo... I before E except after C.....** Edited November 24, 2004 by Salinye
YanYanGanaffi Posted November 24, 2004 Author Report Posted November 24, 2004 I appreciate that, Salinye. It was my first poem that I posted here. Thanks for pointing out the few mistakes in the poem. Yan Yan
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