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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

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Posted (edited)

Would the rose's petals of crimson hue

Still be that way, if not gave due?

Would the smell of the flower with mercy's scent

Remain the same with none else present?

 

If we were both to forget our time

Would our lust have burned so high?

Would instead the fire be put out

From merely the forgetting of all throughout?

 

Would instead our passion still live on

'Though neither of us remember the dawn

The day we quietly sat together

Watching the sunrise upon the heather

 

 

 

 

If anyone has any suggestions, please go ahead and make them, I'm compeltely open to everything on this. I just got done watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I was totally blown away by it, and spent a bit of time curled up crying trying to deal with the concepts put forth in the movie...It's really good and hard to deal with sometimes.

 

Edit: Apparently this was my two scents.

Edited by Falcon2001
Posted

I haven't seen that movie, but the concept behind this poem is really great. Sort of a much more elegant and deep approach to "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there, does it still make a sound?" type of introspection.

 

I really only have one suggestion, as poetry isn't my strongests suit.

 

I think in this line:

 

Would the scent of the flower with mercy's scent

I think it would read better if the first "scent" was changed to something else, perhaps smell or aroma or some such. The two "scent" in the same sentence seems a tad bit redundant. Also, did you mean the last word of the poem to be heather rather than heathe?

 

I really think you have a fabulous thought process behind this poem and also that you have a great style with it. I'm excited to see what you do to perfect it. Thank you for sharing!

 

~Salinye :fairy:

Posted

Falcon, I'm completely blown away by your skill. You totally merit your poet standing. I love the way you are able to put concepts into words (and yes, Eternal Sunshine was an incredible movie, but so sad). I've always had this theory that memory is all we have, and that our past is the only indicator and justifier of who we are. Wipe that away, and you've got nothing. Or you've got a clean slate. However you wanna look at it.

 

Would the rose's petals of crimson hue

Still be that way, if not gave due?

I don't know if you meant to imply this in any way, but I was tickled to death that "due" could be a pun on "dew".

 

If we were both to forget our time

Would our lust have burned so high?

Love your implications here, but I suggest replacing "lust" with something that doesn't carry such a negative connotation. Unless of course, you're going for that purely physical desire-of-the-flesh thing.

 

Would instead the fire be put out

From merely the forgetting of all throughout?

Something about the way you worded this really chilled me (in a good way). I think it had to do with the contrast of "merely" and "forgetting" cuz forgetting is a huge, not mere, deal. And it was also something about the rhythm of the lines, how they rolled off the tongue. I LOVED how you put the verb forget in the present tense.

 

Right, and the heather thing. Nice rhyme.

 

Brilliant poem, rather thought-provoking. Kudos, Falcon.

 

*Rhaps*

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