Absence

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Absence

 

Silently she sits and breathes

and fills her lungs with quiet air

and steadily, by slow degrees,

respiration’s measured ease

gives way to lisping memories

of a voice that she no longer hears.

 

And melodies of murmured words

and sleeping notes of vanished songs

keep an awkward company

with the languid stillness of the trees

and the rigid instability of

shifting sticks within the stream.

 

Cautiously she parts her lips

and lifts her fingers to her cheek

as whispered echoes of the touch

of breath against her hair

add quiet punctuation to

the silent falling of her tears.

[reverie]

wonderful and lovely tone cyril... missed seeing your works... write more

 

 

rev...

[Zadown]

Beautiful. It's always a wonder how the same words you use turn into a piece of art when they are written in the right order, with the correct rhythm.

[HappyBuddha]

Lovely; I heartily agree with reverie and Zadown that this piece is beautiful.

 

To give you something useful beyond simple praise however, I'd like to comment on some of the sections that I find particularly powerful:

 

"respiration’s measured ease

gives way to lisping memories"

 

I like the way these images transition into each other, its like I can hear the breathing slowly merging with sounds from the memories, as faint as the breath and so initially merged, but then overtaking the sound of the breath. The use of "lisping" is really critical to this, as it connects back to "breath", (I think that comma goes outside of that quotation mark) since they're both connected to the mouth.

 

"and the rigid instability of

shifting sticks within the stream."

 

- Its a tad confusing to me that you use "rigid" to describe instability, but what really bothers me is the "shifting" in the next line, as (and this may be due to a lack of imagination) rigid implies to me tightly bound immobility, whereas shifting feels fluid to me (something that works well with "the stream.") Its a purposeful juxtaposition I understand, but I'm not sure that it works completely here. I may be wrong of course; others should feel free to disagree with me and say as much.

- Overall however I love these two lines like I love most of the rest of the poem; that "rigid" is the only thing that gives me pause in an otherwise great poem.

 

"Cautiously she parts her lips"

 

The literary critic in me wonders why she does so "Cautiously", but I think its good that you leave that open for interpretation, as it lets the reader determine for him/herself part of what this poem is about. The word works well but still gives the poem a bit of ambiguity open for interpretation.

Edited November 11, 2004 by HappyBuddha

[Wavechild]

With every breath an image spills into being,

swirling and settling to rest in our minds

as the reader continues to

exhale bittersweet

and I for one,

sigh.

 

---I think what I enjoy so much about this pieces is the fact that it reads incredibly when spoken. A really great reader could instill so much life into the piece --- not because of their own voice but because the careful consideration to rythmn and especially alliteration. I love it.