Mynx Posted November 8, 2004 Report Posted November 8, 2004 As it is with me, the darkest of my thoughts come when I'm under stress. And more so in the dead of the night. And so, sitting here in my dark room, angry music playing as loud as I dare, the EBoS locked into my study room for now, I once again feel my mood darkening over a matter of my past that I cannot change now. I know I should forget it and move on with my life, but for reasons I don't think I could make anyone understand, it still plagues me. Eventually, when you boil it all down, it comes to a question of philosophies. So I decided to get opinions. There are two extremes to look at life, I feel. The first: If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all. The second: It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning! My blackened mood is due to the fact that I wish to follow the second, but am bound to the first. What's your view? [OOC: Crypt and Gryph, if you guys are reading this, you are the only ones who will know what I'm on about. Please. No lectures. Not tonight...]
Ayshela Posted November 8, 2004 Report Posted November 8, 2004 *huge hugs* hon, i think there's something to the theory that we were separated at birth, or some such. the darkest hours of the night are always the worst, and grasping the notion of "darkest just before the dawn" doesn't help much. i don't know that i'm going to really be of any help with this either, unfortunately. ironically, i don't deal well with unresolved issues - ironic, because i have so many of them.. and they plague my nights and bar the doors to sleep until i tackle them and wrestle them back into their steel boxes and stack them up for the next time they break loose. *shrug* i know too well how it can be, and the almost desperate need for 'no lectures, please.' *hugs* i think, for me, the difference between the two is that of logical knowledge vs. emotional knowledge. Logically, rationally, i *know* that successful completion of a task, surviving a situation, getting through *this* leg of the journey.. when done, it's done, and if i've come through the other side of it intact despite their best efforts, i've won. Logically, i know, the margin doesn't matter.. completion is completion, be it tasks at work or challenges of the heart, "just barely" is as successful as "no problem". Logically. Rationally. and leveled against that is the emotional knowledge that it does matter, that there is a difference between breezing through and just barely squeaking by. That having just barely survived it this time doesn't mean i'll be able to next, and i need to DO something about that. That even though the situation is past and done, even though i got through it, even though there's nothing to be said or done or changed NOW, it wasn't done the way i wanted.. i didn't complete it on my terms.. and so it doesn't *feel* done, no matter how much i logically, rationally, deeply KNOW i cannot go back and undo, redo anything. i wish i could, more often than you know, for all that's "pointless, wasted time and energy". Yeah, well, it's my time and energy. *shrug* i know you can "what if" yourself to death, and so i try to keep logical and emotional knowledge somewhere within the same ballpark, at least. Sometimes, though, they're not even on the same side of the freeway, much less in the same ballpark, and i'm not always sure which one needs to shift because each has a solid point to be made. Personally, i hate it when they go head to head. It *always* hurts. And neither one is necessarily wrong, which just makes it that much worse, trying to balance them and take the pieces from each which make a coherent whole. Sometimes.. sometimes, it won't, right away. Sometimes it takes setting it all down and walking around it and looking at it from several different viewpoints before grabbing the one you like best and picking it back up from there. Sometimes you just have to set it down and walk away from it for a while - as long as you know you can't just leave it there forever, because it will come back and haunt you, eventually. bits and pieces, really, is what it ends up being for me. when what my head knows and what my heart knows are so different, i end up kicking both viewpoints to pieces and building back up something that both can live with.. wishing the whole time it didn't hurt so much. *hugs*
Katzaniel Posted November 8, 2004 Report Posted November 8, 2004 I think that my opinion is very similar to some of what Ayshela just said, but I'm going to say it in my own words anyway. Winning or losing doesn't matter at all. The important thing is whether you can survive. Strive to win, because we all need goals. Congratulate yourself on finishing, because we all need praise. Do it on your own terms because none of us need guilt. If you've cheated somehow, then apologize, forgive yourself, and learn from the mistake so that next time you can win just by doing it. If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all. It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning! I just need to reiterate here. Regardless of whether you do it on your own terms or theirs, surviving is surviving. If it haunts you because you did it on their terms, it is nothing more than a signal that next time, survive on your own terms. Try to realize that. If it still haunts you, maybe there is something that needs to be done, here and now, on your own terms, to survive the memories? More likely than not, that something will be more difficult than the first challenge, but if you can get over it without compromising yourself, even if it means conceding a prior "loss", then you have survived and you have "won".
YanYanGanaffi Posted November 8, 2004 Report Posted November 8, 2004 Well, Mynx, I'm not the greatest person to bestow advice/opinions, but I'll see if I can help. I'm not sure how big American auto racing (NASCAR) is in New Zealand (Kiwi-ville as I call it), but there was a famous race car driver by the name of Dale Earnhart. During his lifetime, he became one of the greatest drivers ever to race in NASCAR. He lived up to his nickname; the Intimidator, because of his win-by-any-means style of racing. If you were in his way, you had to be careful he didn't put you into the wall when coming into a turn; which is dangerous enough without someone tapping the back of your car to cause you to spin out of control. Despite all his fame and success, he was one of the bitterest men to walk the earth. He was even mean to his fans who supported him his whole racing career. It wasn't until the last year of his life that he began to become happy due to his son; Dale Earnhart Jr., coming into racing for NASCAR. Unfortunately, that happiness was short-lived when Dale Earnhart Sr. spun into a wall on turn four during a race, breaking his neck. In the end, Mynx, all the success in the world won't matter a damn bit if you're not happy. "Diamonds sparkle and shine, But are cold and hard. Gold will glitter and shine, But it's cold and hard. Happiness is sometimes penniless and broke, But it is warm, loving, and kind." Jason
YanYanGanaffi Posted November 8, 2004 Report Posted November 8, 2004 Oh, by the way, remember; you always have friends here if you need anything...And that carepackage has to wait until next Thursday. It's a little more then I thought to send that stuff to you and Gryph (I got him something too.)
Gryphon Posted November 8, 2004 Report Posted November 8, 2004 If it haunts you because you did it on their terms, it is nothing more than a signal that next time, survive on your own terms. Whenever we talk about this it seems to me that you succeeded - but on "their terms" (or my terms, or the terms of the rules or whatever). I love this statement from Katz. You don't like the feeling of having just squeaked through? No problem, next time aim to survive on your own terms. Just remember that you can't go back and do it again, but you can move ahead and make damn sure that when you hit the next challenge you'll win and on your terms. I hope that didn't sound lectureish... I really don't mean it to be.
Venefyxatu Posted November 8, 2004 Report Posted November 8, 2004 There are some pretty good points made in this thread... and I'm going to try and add some of my own point of view to that. When I read these two extremes, my impression is that "If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all." sounds like the more "honourable" way of thinking, and that "It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning!" is the easy way out (although I can understand it in situations like the Fast and the Furious - don't know if you quoted that movie on purpuse). I, too, am not satisfied with a success if it doesn't feel right to me, although I will probably accept it ("give me the tenacity to accept what I cannot change") and learn to live with it, trying to get through on my own terms next time, as it was put so nicely before... In fact, to come back to that movie (it makes a nice example here) - "I almost had you!", for Brian that was a victory, for Domenic it wasn't (even though he won the race). I consider Brian's victory worth a lot more than that of Domenic... I hope that made some sense, and helped out some.
reverie Posted November 9, 2004 Report Posted November 9, 2004 hmm... well my mynx, I guess it really boilings down too are you ashamed of your success? Do you feel you do not deserve it? Perhaps you feel a fraud, fake. Or worse yet even guilty? If so, then guilt may be the culprit. Also keep in mind that "the best laid plan" really do tend to "go a rye." You can't be perfect, no matter how hard you try. All your efforts and plans may blow up in your face, it happens... If luck may have happened to favor you this time, then enjoy it. What's the old saying, "luck favors the well prepared?" as for the darkness... well it will never leave you.... or rather the reason behind it will never leave you... it takes years to turn it into positive stuff... good luck with it... it's not easy... rev...
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