Tales from the Cryptomancer

[Wyvern]

Lightning flashes across a darkened sky, sinisterly illuminating the morbid interior of a cobweb-infested crypt-castle. The sound of an evil church organ cues up in the background and begins echoing throughout the castle, causing a flock of bats to screech and fly off in all directions from their hiding places. The bats soar throughout the chamber until they run into a series of extremely large cobwebs, which they become entangled in as several large spiders crawl down to devour them. Maniacal laughter echoes throughout the crypt to the beat of the organs melodies as Wyvern rocks back and forth in a rickety wooden chair, dressed in the rags of ghoul and wearing a zombie puppet on each of his horns. The reptilian Elders insane laughter is interrupted as he's overcome by a fit of coughing, which causes the "phantom of the opera" version of Greedy the Elder Dwarf to lose track of the organ melody he's playing. Wyvern cringes as a cacophonous blare of discordant keys fills the room, and slaps his scaly forehead as the intense sound causes the reserve mummy in coffin #4 to faint. The overgrown lizard turns to help the mummy, only to accidentally trigger the scream sound effect on his chair with his tail. He immediately jumps and trembles as a screech fills the room, then rolls his eye and grumbles as he realizes what he's done.

 

"Greetingssss" hisses Wyvern sinisterly while seating himself back in his chair. "I will be your host over the course of this ghoulish writing exchange exercise. My name is Wyvern, though many here know me as.... the Gypped Keeper!"

 

With this, Wyvern lets out another gale of maniacal laughter, causing the zombie puppets on his head to jingle in a cute and unintimidating manner.

 

"Indeeeeed, this project will consist of tales of twisted horror, morbid stories of unnatural terror, and, uhhhh... general spookiness."

 

Wyvern pauses in his introduction as a scream echoes from an area near the ceiling of the room. The reptilian Gypped Keeper turns his head towards the source of the sound, only to cringe as he notices the upper torso of a vampire extending out of a gigantic spiders mouth.

 

"Vvvvhaaaaaaat is dees?!" cries the vampire as he observes his current position. "Ah! Ah! Ow! In motherland Transylvania, vampires like myself havvve legal protection vhen in zee bat form. I vill sue."

 

Wyvern pales upon hearing this and begins trembling in fear, causing the zombie puppets on his head to jingle in a cute and unintimidating manner. After letting out a nervous laugh and clearing his throat of a few ashes, the lizard continues:

 

"Yessss, it's true that this project is a bit late for Halloween, but with the Gypped Keeper and Almost Dragonic Brand Overpriced Candy™, you can celebrate Halloween every day of the year!"

 

With that, the overgrown lizard strikes a thumbs up and proceeds to dig out a large, dusty tomb from under his seat. He places the book on a horizontal coffin that's facing him, opening it to around the middle page and skimming it with a scaly finger. Coming across a specific passage, the reptilian Elder breaks into a sinister grin and hisses:

 

"Oooohhh, the Gypped Keeper has some real creepy-crawler stories for you this evening. So hang onto your hats, let go of your money pouches, and listen to these three tales of horror involving the Pen member cryptomancer. The first one goes a little something li-"

 

Wyverns intro is cut short once again as several large spiders begin falling from the ceiling, dead from bat-indegestion. One spider hits Wyvern flat in the head, knocking him unconscious, while three spiders hit the cardboard crypt-castle walls, knocking them over and destroying the set piece. The thread goes blank for a moment as its words are replaced with the phrase:

 

"Technical Difficulties"

 

OOC: Stay tuned. ;-)

[Wyvern]

After a long moment of silence, the thread cues back up again to reveal the Gypped Keeper sitting in his rickety chair, looking over the tome he had opened earlier as an evil organ melody plays in the background. The reptilian Elder rubs his scaly palms together as he arrives at a specific passage in the text, letting out an evil gale of laughter that causes the zombie puppets on his head to jingle in a cute and unintimidating manner. After clearing his throat of a few ashes and removing a stray spider leg from his lap, the lizard hisses:

 

"Thank you all for tuning into Tales from the Cryptomancer this evening... this first story will chill your blood and send shivers down your spine (these shivers can be corrected with Almost Dragonic Brand Instamassagers™, on sale now!) I call this little dittie:"

 

CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?

 

---

 

The pendant shined as it shifted positions on cryptomancers neck, his brisk stride causing it to swing back and forth as he rushed towards the Cabaret Room of the Pen. The raven mage grumbled curses under his breath as he casted a glance towards a clock on the wall of the hallway, reading the time of half past eight and shaking his head in utter disbelief. He frantically swung the doors of the Cabaret Room open upon arriving, and immediately scrambled towards a coffee table where Mynx was sitting alone. Bowing apologetically upon arriving at the table, cryptomancer collapsed into the empty seat across from Mynx, and a long silence ensued. Cryptomancer then shifted in his seat uneasily before turning to Mynx and exclaiming:

 

"Mynx, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

 

"Two hours late?" interrupted Mynx, glaring at him and taking a brief sip of her cold coffee. "I never thought you'd be so late to one of our meetings, crypt. And two hours-"

 

"Wait!" exlcaimed cryptomancer. "I can explain... I overslept, really I did. It might have been because I jazzercised in my Ego form yesterday, which drained more energy than usual. Please, forgive me."

 

Another moment of silence passed, then Mynx let out a long sigh and set her cup of coffee on the table.

 

"Remember our first Cabaret coffee meeting, crypt?" said Mynx, raising herself from her seat and brushing a paw over her head of fur. "We chatted for hours on end about our struggles with writing and occupations. What happened? Do you realize that I missed out on a perfect opportunity to go out with Gryphon to the latest Pen play in waiting for you here?"

 

"Mynx..." started cryptomancer.

 

"Don't 'Mynx' me, you shadow!" cried Mynx, glaring at cryptomancer angrily. "Two hours late? I trusted you! Goodbye, crypt."

 

With that, Mynx slammed her chair back into its position and strided off, leaving cryptomancer in a stupified and heartbroken state. He immediately considered racing after her to apologize, but couldn't think of any words to say. Sighing to himself, the raven mage sat at the table for several hours alone, drinking the cold coffee that Mynx had bought for him earlier and silently contemplating a course of action. He then decided to head back to his room, and upon arriving there he remembered the artifact hanging around his neck. The Pendant of Canla the Silver Tongued rested on his chest quietly, faintly glimmering in its magnificence.

 

Cryptomancer considered heading back to Mynx and using the pendant to apologize with fluidity, but once again hesitated. While the artifact did give him the gift of speech when speaking honestly, and his apologies to Mynx would be very sincere, he didn't want to take any chances in begging her for forgiveness. He wanted the apology to be perfect, flawless, even greater than what was needed for the situation. And he would have his way.

 

Cracking his knuckles confidently, cryptomancer entered his room and locked himself into it, immediately getting to work on his project. He remained secluded there for several weeks and worked obsessively like a mad magician, not eating or sleeping, experimenting on the pendant with all three circles of cryptomancy: matter, life, and magic. He was confidant, for in his future-predicting meditations he found that the pendant would bring him affection once it was transformed. He eventually formed the pendant into an artifact that gave him perfect flattering speech, regardless of who he was speaking to and what the situation is. When he finally exited his room with the new artifact, not only did he look as if he had just been on an Almost Dragonic Brand Seven Weeks With No Food Diet™, but the pendant had also changed shapes into that of a heart with one of Cupid's arrows protruding from it.

 

Smiling to himself confidantly despite his skinny and rugged appearence, cryptomancer made sure that the pendant was fastened safely around his neck before heading off in the direction of Mynx's quarters. He whistled to himself happily as he thought of his masterplan finally coming into fruition, until an unexpected turn of events swiftly changed his tone.

 

"Mr. cryptomancer." called a familiar voice from behind him as he walked. "How are you doing today?"

 

Cryptomancer came to a halt and turned around, only to be met by the obese form of Melba the Almost Secretary of Initiates. The raven mage paused for a moment, then answered:

 

"I am doing very well today, dear Melba. Very well indeed. And I must say, by your particularly lovely appearence, I can only conclude that you are having a marvelous day as well."

 

Cryptomancer swiftly threw his hands over his mouth in horror, his eyes widening as Melba blushed and began to approach him.

 

"Do I really look lovely?" muttered Melba, grinning and flexing one of her muscles. "Well thank you, Mr. cryptomancer, I'm flattered."

 

Cryptomancer began backing away, and reached for the pendant with one of his hands in the hopes of tearing it off only to uncover his mouth, causing him to exclaim:

 

"I really do mean it too, my dear. You have such an exquisite elegence about you, and your cooking is fantastic. I honestly question myself at times as to whether I do, in fact, adore you."

 

"Why thank you." said Melba, grinning as she continued to approach cryptomancer, backing him into a corner. "I gotta say, you're not such a bad pipsqueak yourself. A little skinny, but nothing a few generous helpings of Mama Melba's Everything Goes Borsch won't cure. Good thing I kept some of those cockroch entrails for seasoning. Come here, lover boy."

 

Cryptomancer desperatly tried to escape, but quickly found himself caught in a monstrous hug, which slowly began suffocating him to death.

 

fin~

[Wyvern]

"Yessss" cackles Wyvern, rubbing his scaly palms together and grinning sinisterly. "It seems that cryptomancer got himself caught in a rather tight squeeze in that last story, didn't he? Muaha! Muahahahahahaha!"

 

The Gypped Keepers maniacal laughter is interrupted by the moans of several zombies, who groan extra loudly at the lizards "morbid" sense of humor. Grumbling to himself, Wyvern scowls at the undead and shakes a scaly fist, hissing:

 

"Quiet, or I'll have you devoiced the next time you're ressurected! Yeesh, serves me right for hiring those second rate necromancers to get me an audience. Still, I gotta thank you corpses for being such a lively crowd of undead this evening!"

 

With that, the lizard turns his head back to his tome, causing the zombie puppets on his horns to jingle in a cute and unintimidating manner. Leafing through the dusty pages of his old book, the overgrown lizard pauses upon reaching a section bookmarked by a raven feather, and breaks out into an evil grin.

 

"Ahhhhhhh... Here is another story that will frighten even the most brave listeners and cause them to caw like a baby. I like to call this little shocker:"

 

STARK RAVEN MAD

 

---

 

Cryptomancer sighed to himself as he lounged in his room, staring at the ceiling and fiddling with a crow feather that had fallen from him when he had last transformed. It was a lazy Summer day, and the only activity that the powerful mage could think of participating in was staring at the ceiling in a daze, a past time hobby that he considered a mix between meditation and "utter boredome." The mage breathed a dismal sigh and shut his eyes, only to perk up as he heard a knock at his door. He turned curiously, then shouted:

 

"Who is it?"

 

"It's me" called back the unmistakeably rhythmic and harmonious voice of musicevangelist. "Can I please come in?"

 

"Sure, the door is unlocked." called cryptomancer, smiling as musicevangelist opened it and stepped into his abode. "How are you doing today? You wouldn't happen to be as bored as I am, would you?"

 

"I'm afraid so" said musicevangelist, his voice bouncing in a beautiful falsetto. "But I may have a solution to both of our problems of boredome. I have a beautiful new song that I'd like to sing, and it requires your help."

 

"Oh yeah?" said cryptomancer curiously, eager to participate in one of musicevangelists beautiful songs but nervous that he might not live up to expectations. "How can I help?"

 

"At the end of the song, three 'caws' from a crow are needed." sang musicevangelist. "Could you do that for me, crypt."

 

"Sure." said cryptomancer after a moments pause, smiling to himself and concentrating his efforts on changing forms. Once cryptomancer had changed into his raven form, he flapped his wings and perched himself on the windowsill of his room, waiting for musicevangelists signal to caw.

 

Smiling and nodding to cryptomancer the raven, musicevangelist then began his song:

 

"Permanence is Permanent" (sung to the tune of "Santa Clause is coming to Town")

 

"Transient this, ephemeral that,

no don't even start, those terms are old hat.

Permanence is sticking... aroooouund.

You thought it was quick, it came in a flash

But now it'll stick, just wa- wait a minute!

 

The music that musicevangelist had conjured for the number came to an abrupt halt as he stopped singing. Upon noticing this, cryptomancer let out three caws in the hopes of being useful.

 

"Sorry crypt." muttered musicevangelist in a not-so-harmonic voice. "That actually wasn't the song I was thinking of. 'Permanence is Permanent' is a magical song that I learned from this tribe of anti-doppleganger golems, who used to hunt shapeshifters... darn, how did that other number go again? Sit tight crypt, I'm gonna go and search for my music sheets."

 

Cryptomancer nodded his crow head calmy as musicevangelist departed, then decided that he'd prefer to wait for the musician in human form. The raven mage's beak dropped open, however, as he found that the magic aura that enabled him to shift forms previously had vanished.

 

"Caw?" muttered cryptomancer the raven, turning his head around in confusion and flapping his wings. "Caw. Caw! CAW!"

 

With that, cryptomancer jumped off of the windowsill in the hopes of returning to human form upon reaching the ground, only to land on his head with a thump. He let out a long "cawwwwww" as he layed there for a long moment, then shifted to an upright position as he heard someone enter into the room. Hopeful that musicevangelist had returned and might be able to help him, he lifted himself onto his talons only to be scooped up by a firm feminine hand.

 

"Awww, does little birdy not have a home" cooed Katzaniel sweetly in her human form, stroking the ravens head gently with her other hand. She then lifted up a bird cage containing lettuce, tomato, onion, relish, and five different kinds of spices. Cryptomancer the raven froze as he stared at the cage, then cried out:

 

"CaaaawwwwwAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

[Wyvern]

"Well well well" hisses Wyvern, cackling evilly. "That was a purrty scary story, now wasn't it? So frightening that it doesn't even need a 'to beak continued..." so good that you could call it the cat's pajamas! Muahahaha!"

 

At this point, Greedy the Elder Dwarf has had enough of Wyvern's corny punning, and decides to change his sinister organ melody to an extra upbeat version of "Take me out to the Ball Game". The Gypped Keeper pauses for a moment upon hearing this change in atmosphere, then hisses:

 

"Errr, yeessss. Well kiddies, it's the bottom of the ninth, and there's only one more story to go. This next tale is more terrifying than Barry Bonds not hitting a home run. It's a real crowd pleaser, a double header that will make you run even after you've had four balls..."

 

Greedy shakes his head and gives up all hopes of saving the show upon hearing this, ending his melody in a cacophonous blare and tossing his fake phantom of the opera mask to the ground. The Elder Dwarf then storms out of the room, causing several women to shriek in horror as they notice that his uncovered face is similar to that of Wyvern. The Gypped Keeper sits in silence for a moment, then twiddles his claws nervously and mutters:

 

"This yarn's so scary that even Dwarves won't dare to listen to it, and is so creepy that it causes a complete silence every time it's read. I call this final story:

 

THE TRUENAME SHOW

 

---

 

Cryptomancer looked over his arrangement of items in the Hall of Enchantment with pride, sternly nodding to himself as he began checking things off of his list. Sacrificial altar, check. Symbols representing matter, check. Luminous magic chalk circle, check. Candle arrangements, check. Symbols representing magic, check. Incense, check...

 

"Cryyyyypt" called the voice of YanYanGanaffi from a corner of the room. "How much longer is this gonna take? This goat outfit is beginning to make me sweaty, and I really don't see why you had to bind me in these ropes..."

 

"Silence, YanYan" said cryptomancer, checking off onyx shadow dragon idol and crimson curtains from his list. "As I explained to you earlier, your time will come soon. You must simply endure a few inconveniences for the moment."

 

Skeletal dracolitch remains, check. Token magma pit, check. Symbols representing life, check.

 

"But cryyyypt" called YanYan, shifting an inch in his position. "I've been sitting here for a while now, and it's really uncomfortable. I'm still getting candy for this, right?"

 

"Yes, YanYan, now quiet" said cryptomancer, meditating as he checked the final two items off of his list. "Well then, by the looks of things, we're all ready to go."

 

Cryptomancer grinned and turned towards YanYanGanaffi, wandering over to him and helping him up while making sure his bonds were firmly secured. As he directed him towards the altar located at the center of the chamber, cryptomancer exclaimed:

 

"This is a very exciting day for me, YanYan. It's a powerful day, a victorious day... the day I finally discover my truename! Finally, after all these years, I'll have full access to the five disciplines of cryptomancy. I can hardly wait!"

 

"Yeah yeah" muttered YanYanGanaffi, rolling his eyes until he spotted the candies that had been spread out across the altar. "Tzimfemme-brand chocolate Pen members! Alriiiiiiiiiiighhht!"

 

"Yes YanYan" said cryptomancer smiling, helping the goat-costume sporting pennite onto the altar. "Here is your candy, as promised. Now please, seat yourself as I perform the ritual."

 

"Can you untie me first?" mumbled Ganaffi through a mouthful of chocolate, kneeling and eating the candies off the altar like a goat. "It'd be a lot easier to eat the chocolate that way."

 

"Not quite yet" responded cryptomancer as he weaved his hands in several motions and began humming a spell. YanYan went still as cryptomancer began waving his hands in the air and speaking indecipherable incantations with every breath, his words growing faster and louder as the minutes progressed. Soon, the crimson curtains cloaking the room began jolting violently as magical energy started spinning through the room, building up with the intensity of cryptomancers voice.

 

"C-c-crypt-?" started YanYan, only to watch in bewilderment as cryptomancers katana flew from his belt out of its own accord and fired straight at him, mercilessly cutting off the head of his goat costume and causing him to scream.

 

Cryptomancer grinned upon seeing this, only to frown as he watched his set of rattan sticks fly out of his belt and soar into the air. The two sticks spun in the air for a moment, then redirected their course towards cryptomancer in the hopes of beating him down "Cops" style. The sorceror shrugged upon seeing this and maintained his calm as he broke the rattans in half with skillful martial arts maneuveurs, regretting only the notion that he had to destroy a gift from Mynx. Confidentally watching the magic build up in the room and cracking his knuckles, cryptomancer grinned for a moment only to drop to his knees as a great pain began consuming his chest.

 

"Wh-wh-what issss?" cried cryptomancer, clenching his teeth as the fabrics of his shirt began tearing open. "Goooiiiiinnnnng onnnnnn?!"

 

After a few minutes of extreme pain, cryptomancer glanced up and gaped in bewilderment at what he saw. The tattoo that had once covered his upper torso was now an entirely seperate entity that stood before him majestically, gleaming with the essence of magical power.

 

"Cryptomancer." boomed the apparition of the magic tattoo. "You have performed the sacred ritual, and have passed the tests of agility and endurance. You have thereby meritted the knowledge of your truename. Are you ready to learn your truename, sorceror?"

 

"Y-y-yessssss!" cried cryptomancer, still clutching his chest yet expressing great joy.

 

"Very well." boomed the tattoo, glittering slightly in its magical radiance. "Your true name is-"

 

Cryptomancer sucked in a breath and held it.

 

"Cutesymancer the Playful Pink Mage."

 

Cryptomancer considered this name for a moment, then promptly fainted into a devastated heap. Looking down at the unconscious cryptomancer, the magical tattoo apparition turned to YanYanGanaffi and exclaimed:

 

"That was meant as a joke. Do you think he took it seriously?"

 

"I dunno." mumbled YanYanGanaffi, finishing the last of the candies and still eating directly off of the altar. "Fetch me a couple more candies, and maybe I'll come to a conclusion."

 

fin~

 

;-)

 

OOC: This thread has been a contribution to Valdar's Second Annual Mighty Pen Writing Exchange, and is for cryptomancer. Hope it doesn't inspire too many nightmares... ;-)