drummondo Posted October 30, 2004 Report Posted October 30, 2004 I wrote this for a girl, but I'm scared to show it to her. In your experience, do girls get freaked out by guys writing them poetry? :< And is this a decent enough sonnet? And is romance dead? And should I show her? :< Twelve chimes, one hundred ticks, and twenty more, And modern time displays your fatal name, Which stops my breath; an effort to restore My thoughts leads only to your face, the same Resplendent beauty keeping me, less bold, From reaching out at once to hold your hand, Or offering my arms against the cold, Upon that night that you and I did stand, Awaiting signs of romance. Who'd have known That one such night, alone, could symbolise An interest more serious than shown? For even as I looked into your eyes, And longed to hold you closer, (I still do...) I couldn't say a simple "I like you..."
Alaeha Posted October 30, 2004 Report Posted October 30, 2004 Nice. I'd have to say that I like it better than any of my "romantic" poems. The pace is fast. Very fast. It seems like you took three sonnets' worth of material and crammed it into one -- which I'd have to say is a good thing, since you did it well. One of the greatest strengths of poetry is brevity. A good novel is roughly 300-800 pages, typically. A good poem is roughly 10-30 lines, typically. (Because it takes more effort to crank out a solid page of decent poetry than two solid pages of decent prose, for the average person) As for whether or not to show it to the girl... Couldn't say. It depends on the girl. And no, Romance isn't dead... it's just pining for the fields. ;P Good luck. I, for one, would be honored to have someone write a poem of this quality for me.
Ayshela Posted October 30, 2004 Report Posted October 30, 2004 while by age i no longer qualify as a "girl", last i checked i was still female.. and one regret in my life is that i never moved anyone to words in such a way. while my daughters and her friends might be a bit taken aback, initially, because it's so unfortunately uncommon.. they would also be very pleased and likely to melt at the thought, the effort, and the sentiment. Really - what do you have to lose? If she likes you, she'll appreciate knowing - and in such a lovely way. If she likes you only as a friend, she should still appreciate the honesty and class. and if she likes you as much as you like her, but is too shy herself to say so, you both lose by not letting her know.
drummondo Posted October 30, 2004 Author Report Posted October 30, 2004 If you're really clever, you can figure out her name from the first two lines. I'm talking "Sherlock Holmes"-clever though. You can have a cookie if you can even be bothered trying
WrenWind Posted October 30, 2004 Report Posted October 30, 2004 I would have been touched and honored to have had moved someone to write poetry for me. Very romantic.
drummondo Posted October 31, 2004 Author Report Posted October 31, 2004 So for those who are still pondering on the first two lines; The time in the poem is 12:02. Twelve chimes, and 120 seconds. "Modern Time" is a digital clock, when you see 12:02 on a digiclock and kinda squint, it looks a bit like her name... 12:02 R: o z :< And I've now found out she's kinda got another guy on the go, the question is, do I still let her know I like her? :\ Sorry to turn this into a relationship advice thread :\
cryptomancer Posted November 1, 2004 Report Posted November 1, 2004 talk to her, let her read your thoughts, because I believe that friendship is the foundation of anything more, even if it does not happen right away.
Mynx Posted November 1, 2004 Report Posted November 1, 2004 The bird is right. Trust me on this. The best relationships start as friendships...
reverie Posted November 3, 2004 Report Posted November 3, 2004 hmm... well, I say get to know her a little first like cypto said... Introductions find common ground and what not... keep it up a few days... if she shows interest... send her the poem... oh but here is something I learned the hard way... Just 'cause they melt for you poems doesn't me they will neccessary melt for you. It may go to their head and sure they'll be flattered... but hey you never know if you don't try... Hell, I wrote a lot poems for a lesbian, I fell for once... she loved the poems and attention... but that's about as far as it could go... ya know... rev...
drummondo Posted November 4, 2004 Author Report Posted November 4, 2004 (edited) It's finished anyway, I don't want to talk about it... The blooded curses, worsening the air, In wooded, green tranquility, rage free, While branches in the wind sway with despair Around the figure of the youngest tree. An elm, to signify an untold pair, With intertwining roots and banded heart, And colours that the leaves and insects share Whilst hiding from the sudden form of art Of death in nature's grasp, without a care For peaceful silence, lonely with the birds, Where thoughts of you dare not covertly flare, And I can live without your weary words. "It ends tonight," I scream, and with cold hands, I fell the helpless elm tree where she stands. Edited November 4, 2004 by drummondo
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