Shadow of the Butterfly Posted October 18, 2004 Report Posted October 18, 2004 Sitting on the floor With not much else to do I fidget with a deck of cards As I think of you Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle---cut One card down, and then another Until, at last, arrayed Black and red, clubs and spades Upon my mind they play Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle---cut Through the deck I wiffle fast Placing cards there and here Grinning as I say, "Winning at last," And whisper in the end, for the cards will hear I fear Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle---cut Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle---cut The cards whisper amongst themselves, determined Now to change Leading me to believe I win Until they re-arrange Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle---cut They change their faces un-checked and un-noticed Under piles concealed they conspire Moving and shifting, shifting and moving I start in confusion, as one pile grows higher Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle---cut Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle---gone
Peredhil Posted October 18, 2004 Report Posted October 18, 2004 neat. Never thought of cards as a metaphor for a relationship, but I like this.
drummondo Posted October 18, 2004 Report Posted October 18, 2004 The house always wins, eh :< Very thoughtful poem, made me think a lot about relationships. I loved the rhythm of it to begin with, and I figured that the way it changed and became a little more disjointed towards the end was symbolic of the way a relationship does much the same thing. The word "wiffle" made me laugh. If you're after card imagery, I think you may have meant "riffle", which is another term for shuffling. The line "Black and red, clubs and spades" didn't make sense to me; I figured it would have been a little better to have a black and a red suit used as an example; I also would have gone with "hearts and spades", because there's the double meaning of having "hearts layed out on the table". If you don't mind losing that rhyme with arrayed, perhaps "hearts and clubs" would be even better because hearts are fragile, and clubs are menacing weapons. You also repeat "whisper" towards the middle, which I think detracts a little from the flow of the poem. Apart from these opinions/slight faults, I thought this was an extremely original piece, and I enjoyed reading it. Good job
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