Loki Wyrd Posted October 17, 2004 Report Posted October 17, 2004 I am-- Consumed by my reality, Tormented by humanity. Cast in this miserable flesh made As a sacrifice to the mortal coil; Irony's face is a deathly shade, Paling in comparison To the affliction of my soul. Born and bred of machine, The gears within me turn and bleed; Lamenting the progression of decay, Gifted me in such a way, I feel as if I begin to fade: The end is coming, and I am--afraid.
drummondo Posted October 17, 2004 Report Posted October 17, 2004 The first thing I noticed here is that there are rhymes, but that they don't follow any obvious scheme. None of them seem forced, which is a good thing, but I think I'd like to see it organised into more structured stanzas from a poetical point of view. In terms of content, what you have so far is very well written, I liked this bit in particular: Irony's face is a deathly shade, Paling in comparison To the affliction of my soul. I also like the way you begin with "I am", and then conclude "I am--afraid" I guess one would argue that it could be longer; there's a lot you could write about how are stuck with the "miserable flesh", and how it hinders you in some ways. You could get some decent imagery out of being cut/injured, stuff like that. Illustrate the weakness that leads to the fear, if you know what I mean. What you have so far is good though, very original idea
Loki Wyrd Posted October 19, 2004 Author Report Posted October 19, 2004 Thanks for the comments, I'll take what you said into consideration. Structure is fine, but I find it boring after a while. I must deviate, or be dragged down to the ground and be beaten as a dog.
Quincunx Posted November 28, 2004 Report Posted November 28, 2004 My eyes skipped over the first verse entirely, stuck the "I am--" onto the second verse, called it a complete poem, and cheered.
Tasslehoff Posted December 5, 2004 Report Posted December 5, 2004 I like the poem you have written Loki. Its short, but tells the reader exactly all that needs to be said. I especially like the beggining. Its different but its good.. also.. Next time please be nice to my Trained Elephants.
Loki Wyrd Posted December 14, 2004 Author Report Posted December 14, 2004 Thank you. But I'm afraid I enjoy feasting on elephant flesh. It's an acquired taste. =)
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