Sorciere Posted October 17, 2004 Report Posted October 17, 2004 I awoke when I died. For the first time, I felt the love I smelled the crisp frosting air I really saw the way a flower opens up to the sunlight. But I could not touch anything. I felt a hundred emotions course through my veins A thousand reasons to be alive A million different scents filled my nostrils And fifty seven people cried for my loss The weight of regret hung me low The road I had travelled closed off The realisation of awaking to nothing but memories The taste of the bullet in my mouth Too late....
Wyvern Posted October 17, 2004 Report Posted October 17, 2004 I really like this poem, Sorciere. The subject of awakening and realizing the beauty of life only at the moment of death is original, and several of your details and observations are evocative and intriguing. The poem also carries your trademark style of directness, which gives it a unique feel and seperates it from other poems. I think that this poem could be made even better if it were expanded upon a bit, as I wanted to learn more about the hundreds of emotions that the narrator experiences, the millions of scents she smells, and the specific tastes of the bullet. I also think that "frosting" is a somewhat awkward adjective to use to describe the air, and you may want to consider replacing it with something else. Great to see you writing here again!
drummondo Posted October 17, 2004 Report Posted October 17, 2004 I like its tone, although the word "nostrils" doesn't fit with said style. I think, if you changed "nostrils" to "mind" or something similar it would fit a little better, because "nostrils", to me at least, is a) too scientific and too harsh a word for use in such a poem. I agree with Wyvern that it could use expansion; as it is, it's nice to read, but it doesn't say as much as it could. You've got this opportunity, now dead, to show the beauty of nature, the sheer uncomprehendable splendour, and yet maintain a massive element of depression at the fact that you can't touch it. It's a brilliant idea for a poem, and you should definitely make more of it. I particularly liked the suggestion of suicide in the final line; a bullet to the mouth, to me, suggests shooting yourself. This, too, links with the regret of not being able to touch the beauty of the world; in this way, you could bring out the idea of wishing you hadn't done it a bit more. Anyway, interesting piece, and well-written so far. I'd love to see a more elaborate version though. Good stuff
Parmenion Posted October 18, 2004 Report Posted October 18, 2004 I agree with my companions above in that the idea for this poem is an excellent one which provides you with the opportunity to paint a picture different from usual description. Because of the theme of the poem as opened in the first line, it sets a tone for the rest of the poem in that any description you make regarding the world as seen through the eyes of a dead man would carry far more weight to the words than that of a normal poem. This extra added weights allows for a much deeper sympathy and empathy from the reader to discover many of the common things which they take for granted. It is the kind of poem which can so easily change the perceptions of a reader in the immediate aftermath of reading the poem. Such an excellent idea I feel, though it was well protrayed, has the potential for greatness. By that I mean, a power to affect readers and make them actually feel and appreciate being alive. I'll try catch you on IRC and talk more with you about it. *hugs*
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