Mira Posted October 14, 2004 Report Posted October 14, 2004 Whatever happened to the fields I ran through as a child? To the hills I use to fly down on a sheet of virgin snow? Were they bulldozed into parking lots, Or built up into shopping malls? Do they only exist in my memories? If that is true, where will my children play? On dirty streets full of razor blades. In abandon lots of broken glass.
drummondo Posted October 14, 2004 Report Posted October 14, 2004 Whatever happened to the fields I ran through as a child? To the hills I use to fly down on a sheet of virgin snow? Were they bulldozed into parking lots, Or built up into shopping malls? Do they only exist in my memories? If that is true, where will my children play? On dirty streets full of razor blades. In abandon lots of broken glass. I like the rhythm of lines 1 and 2, they flow well together. The sudden change in tone between lines 2 and 3 is nicely done; it presents the almost remorseful end to this stanza rather well. The line "Do they only exist in my memories?" is a bit of an anomaly here; it has a weird rhythm, is a single-line stanza and just doesn't seem to fit. I notice that the following stanza has only three lines, so I assume it kinda tacks on to that, but it doesn't fit with the iambic pentameter that you seem to achieve in said final stanza. Moving on to the last three lines; I love the line "If that is true, where will my children play?", brilliant use of the aforementioned iambic pentameter. The same can be said for the final line, but the penultimate one could use a little rewording; may I suggest "On dirty pavements full of razor blades." That way, you can keep the flow of the rhythm and meter for the entirity of the last stanza. Nice poem though, I liked the meaning and the images at the end were well done. I was saying to someone just last night that I was disappointed at the lack of poets using certain meters, but you have revived a little of my former hope and enthusiasm Good job
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