musicevangelist Posted October 12, 2004 Report Posted October 12, 2004 (edited) My body fights against the bonds of sleep Willing me to stay awake My mind rebels against rest Pushing me to exhaustion Disappear into narcolepsy Insomnia fueled illusions Sonambulance must overwhelm Or proper functioning will desert me Any and all feedback welcome edit:Have changes line as per suggestion, was not really happy with that line to begin with and was quite glad to get feedback confirming what I though Edited October 13, 2004 by musicevangelist
Sparhawk Posted October 12, 2004 Report Posted October 12, 2004 (edited) lol well again about all I write are sappy love poems and {bleep} like that . . . but that one sounds nice too. Edit by Yui: Sparhawk, we have a general "Please do not use profanity outside the Scarlet Pen" policy on the board. Our Polite sensitivities dislike the s-word and its cousins, especially when used for a purpose other than intense expression within a work of literary genius. Please keep that in mind for next time, okay? Thankees. Edited October 12, 2004 by Yui-chan
Alaeha Posted October 12, 2004 Report Posted October 12, 2004 I know the feeling of the poem. Personally, I'd recommend that since there's no apparent structure to the piece, you re-reverse "me desert" back to "desert me". The former makes the last line somewhat Iambic, to match the first, but I'd rather read something intelligible. Personally, I'd always thought the title-phrase made more sense if you said "Sleep is for the Week," as that left the weekend for playtime, but that's just me.
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