My Poem

[Sparhawk]

Well first I'd like to say hello to Peredhill, and hope that you remember me.

 

Anyways ther's this girl in my school who I'm positive likes me, or at least did, I think I accidently scared her off, and I hate myself for that too. Anyways she gave me a smile one day, one that seemed to be just for me, some kind of special smile, I guess, if you wiil, anyways her face kinda just seemed to light up when she saw me that day . . . and she hasn't spoken to me since then, except for one day in the computer lab when she needed help on the computers . . . anyways I wrote a poem about I guess how I felt when she gave me that smile . . . I'm sure I'm going to be very embarrassed by posting it here, but I guess since Thinas posted his and I have shown mine to a few other people, I might as well post it here as well I guess . . .

 

When I see you

My heart races

When you smile

And your face

Seems to light up

At the sight of me,

For the briefest

of moments

You make all of my doubts

Just Melt away

 

:$

[Peredhil]

Yay!

 

Hugs his old friend

 

Of course I remember you! Welcome to the Pen!

 

Before I read the poem, having read your intro:

1) Wow that reminds me of the insecurity and pains I put myself through in High School, before I was a suave and debonair Half-Elf.

2) Don't every hesitate to post here. If someone flames you, they tend to end up stir-fried. We'd rather help you to grow than prove our egos by tearing you up.

3) Poetry is the music of the heart. If it is your heart, it is poetry. All the rest becomes practice, grammar, spelling, and technique in sharing what you felt.

 

Now to the poem.

 

Yipes. Flashbacks again. You know, that encapsulates the racing feeling and glow of the moment very well, in my senile opinion. Have you ever considered a Haiku? You do very well in sketching a picture with just a few lines.

 

-Peredhil

[Sparhawk]

lol Haiku huh? Well let me take this time to share a Haiku that I wrote back in Grade 10.

 

Woman spends years

Caring for Father's decom-

Posing body

 

Or something like that. Point is I found this story in my local newspaper way back then, and it was about this mentally ill woman who spent something like 3 years caring for her father's decomposing body, as if he were actually still alive, until one of the neighbors phoned the police because of the smell or something like that.

[WrenWind]

I agree that haiku can say much with few words but sometimes it is too restrctive a form of poetry. It all depends on what you you want to convey.

 

* tosses 2cents into the pot*

 

(comments on the poem given in private)

Edited October 13, 2004 by WrenWind

[Sparhawk]

I used to write nothing but Haikus at one point in time cause I couldn't write anyhting else, or rather never figured I could. I forced some out in Grade 9, but it wasn't very good. Then I had more come to me in Grade 12 and then I had a couple come to me this year so far.

[reverie]

I like your first poem... hmm, good development and resolution of nervous energy... kinda of like counterpoint... try playing around with punctuation some...

 

 

 

rev...

[Parmenion]

Next time you see her. smile at her. If she smiles back, go talk to her about the weather, current events - "Did you hear about...?" "What do you think about it...?"

 

Talking never hurts and though your poem is a fine way of expressing how you felt about her smile, one must also bear in mind that sometimes the hearts of many poets lie with people they never express their words or thoughts to, which in my opinion is a tragic shame. Take W.B. Yeats and Maude Gonne for instance...

 

*hugs*

[Sparhawk]

right so small update since I'm reviewing old posts, she turned out to be a *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppppppppppppppp* and ya, we don't talk or anything cause, ya, she was just flirting around for fun, and for the record she's since been pregnant and had the baby. Not sure what else to say really, just that she turned out to be a lot more of a *beep* than I knew...