purple_shadows Posted October 5, 2004 Report Posted October 5, 2004 (edited) I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so stubborn I'm sorry I'm fucked up I'm sorry that myself could never be enough I'm sorry that I cannot be everything they saw for me I'm sorry I can't bring myself to trust There's so little of myself left My mind was never whole It seems there's only me now And even that I cannot hold I'm sorry I'm so angry I'm sorry I'm so scared I'm sorry that I opened up I'm sorry that you cared I'm sorry that life isn't always fair [Edited for spelling] Edited October 6, 2004 by purple_shadows
Loki Wyrd Posted October 6, 2004 Report Posted October 6, 2004 Your "I'm sorry" stanzas flow well. I do have a couple suggestion for the first one, however: "I'm sorry that myself could never be enough." It doesn't really read right for me. Perhaps consider changing "myself" to I? The longest line seems maybe just a couple syllables too much. The only other thing I might suggest is to drop the "and" at the beginning of that one line (you know which one). It seems to me like it would work just as well w/o it. Oh, and just to alert you of some mispellings... *fuckerd *myslef I hope I'm not being a bother. If you care for any further critiques I'd be more than happy to oblige. I enjoyed reading this, otherwise I probably wouldn't have bothered responding.
purple_shadows Posted October 6, 2004 Author Report Posted October 6, 2004 Loki. Thank you for your suggestions. I haven't figured out a way to fix the line starting with "and" yet. that would change the meaning of it too much. And I certainly can't change "Myself" to "I" in the other line. It has to do with connotation. Changing it would alter the meaning slightly, but the difference would be enough that it wouldn't be the same feeling. Thanks again for your feedback.
Loki Wyrd Posted October 6, 2004 Report Posted October 6, 2004 (edited) Ok, I see what you're getting at with "myself"...I was wondering about that when I first read it. Maybe consider italicizing it so that it doesn't just seem like improper grammar. Plus the emphasis on the word would help get your point across; and for me it makes it that much smoother to read because I would linger on that word for just the right amount of time while reading. You really think just dropping the "and" would change the meaning? I'm sure it's fine as is, so don't bother putting too much thought into it. Edited October 6, 2004 by Loki Wyrd
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