A "Real" Character

[Loki Wyrd]

Requesting level 5 feedback (that's the harshest, right?). Any comments that you're willing to make--even simple like/dislike--would be cool by me.

[Loki Wyrd]

I posted a revision. I would really appreciate it if someone could offer some/any feedback.

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Loki Wyrd’s original piece and it’s first rewrite can both be found in the Assembly Room here.

 

Loki Wyrd, thanks for sharing what is an intriguing piece of writing and even moreso for investing the time to revisit it with a rewrite. It is a piece well worth spending a bit more time and effort on revising and tightening as it has the potential to be a very fine bit of work.

 

Before proceeding to a look at the work itself, a mild criticism of your request for feedback: Please include a link to the original thread when you post a request for feedback here – it makes life a lot easier for those of us with limited time and who tend to disappear for months at a clip You might also want to consider starting a thread for this piece in the Writer’s Workshop if you’re planning to do any additional rewrites as that area of the Pen lends itself well to the piecemeal work that rewriting can often involve.

 

With regard to the work itself, it seems best not to dwell on stylistic or grammatical points for the time being as I believe the real potential of the piece and its present problem spots lie elsewhere. For the moment at least I would identify them as follows:

 

A question of quantity and quality – you are trying to do an awful lot in a very small narrative space. This is not a bad thing in itself by any means. It is, however, a very difficult thing to realize successfully. Quantitatively speaking, you have the philosophical question of the relationship between memory and identity; the character and emotions of the narrator; the recollected backstory of the narrator’s friendship. That you succeed in communicating them in the few paragraphs you employ is a genuine strength. However, this communication is not as qualitatively sound as it might be – in other words the pieces do not quite fit together nor are they individually as sharp as they need to be in order for the piece as a whole to be effective. You might want to try to identify how these elements need to work together and what each element needs to contribute to the overall piece of writing and determine how best to sharpen that contribution.

 

The Narrator – Simply put, the narrator is too weak a presence in the story. This may seem counterintuitive at first glance, but I believe a deeper look will bear this out. The narrator is a strong presence early in the piece – vividly described and engaging. However, he disappears in his reminiscing in a way that does nothing to further the theme of memory which is part of the story. Granted the reader still hears his voice but there is no emotional or personal substance behind the memories – they read more like disaffected accounts of events or, worse, as mere nostalgia – and not the recollections of a life that has just been lost. From, his going back to bed through his reminiscences to his passionless reflection at the end – and also at the beginning in the rewritten version – the narrator seems to sleepwalk through the tale. No grief is shown over the death of his friend and no real joy or loss seems to be present in his remembering. Was this friend really important? The narrator is most vivid standing on the stairs in his boxer shorts and the piece needs something equally strong at its conclusion as well as perhaps a reference or two to what the narrator is doing or feeling in his memories to punctuate the reminiscing.

 

Memory and Identity – This is a very fine idea to work with and I applaud you for even attempting it, but it needs a bit of care to accomplish well. One needs to see the question as one with genuine emotional and personal weight to the narrator for it to be effective here – what in his life gives rise to these questions? What does the uncertainty it produces feel like? What, if anything, does it have to do with this set of memories? Does he perhaps have questions about the details he is remembering or is he unsure if the feelings he has now are actually the feelings of his memories? Questions of identity are deeply personal and doubts of one’s identity can be real crisis points in someone’s life. What the reader receives, however, is a few summary statements and some very heavy ideas given rather superficial wording and – effectively framing the narrator as one who had not really devoted any significant time or energy into engaging them. The concluding section is weak both in terms of characterization and in terms of philosophic depth. You have some very good ideas in play and they are well worth some serious attention both as ideas and as issues that the narrator is attempting to deal with.

 

The Reminiscing – Honestly, I think this is best handled in light of the issues raised above as the memories themselves – and the act of remembering - seem to serve as the vehicle for making the connection between the person of the narrator and the theme of the interrelation between memory and identity.

 

Loki Wyrd, again, thank you for a stimulating read. As I’ve said above this piece has some very real potential about it – you’ve put together a fine beginning and I'm very interesting in seeing where you might take it.

 

Hopefully you’ll find these comments to be helpful in revisiting your work.

 

Keep writing!

Cyril

[Loki Wyrd]

Cyril Darkcloud: Thank you for such an in-depth response! I've been meaning forever (assuming forever started with me first seeing your reply) to reply here, if only just to thank you. Don't ask why I put these things off, and end up forgetting; I wouldn't give a satisfactory response.

 

I'll have to mull over some of the things you said, and if/when (hopefully) I get around to rewriting this, I'll definitely take what you've said into consideration. Thanks again, it's great to have people reading who are much more insightful than I.