Interwoven

[Appy]

Requesting the highest feedback (lvl 5?) but I'm also happy if you just drop by to say if you like it or not... though ofcourse I want to know why then

[_Zen_]

The second lightning flash illuminated the sign above the door. Apaltra sighed with relief for finally having found a public place with roof. The low building looked shabby, but yellow light poured from the single window. The window itself had the - now - typical four pieces of thick glass. She couldn’t see through the opaque panes so it was still a big gamble to go in, but she really needed the warmth and rest. Maybe she could even dry her clothes?

 

The world started spinning again and she leaned against the doorpost to clear her head again. From here, close to the door, she could hear voices - normal, human voices - talking and even laughing. Someone started singing badly but was laughed away into the crowd of voices again. Another sigh, some adjusting of her hood, and the slender woman entered.

 

Several stares and a hushed silence were her greeting. It was a small room with few tables and banks along the walls. At the far end was a low fire which brought warmth and was used for cooking. Her nose told her it had a roast on it.

The conscious connection between herself and Fenix flared to life, and she instructed him to seek a room for the night. He shrugged mentally and relayed a reluctant acceptance that he couldn’t accompany her afterall. Although it took him seeing for himself how many regular folks were in the tavern to convince him. That had been difficult to stay firm on at first and she had been too tired to argue much. In the end she could only walk away with the promise to let him sleep next to her bed at least. Only If she managed to get one of course.

 

ok i tried to fix the obvious spelling, and comma splices. some incomplete sentences i simply took out for lack of a better idea of what to do with them. a couple run on sentences i broke into two. lemme know what you think.

Edited September 22, 2004 by _Zen_

[Appy]

ah yes, thanks for catching relief and accompany

 

Further I really liked Although it took him seeing for himself how many regular folks were in the tavern to convince him. So I put that in. And included managed in the last sentence.

 

For the rest I really like opaque panes but it's not something that I would know how and when to use, so I won't be using it.

 

I kinda like stirred.... so I'm leaving that for now. Oh and as I said before in chat; with hunt I mean hunt for food, Finx isn't human

 

You took out my sentence about the fire being the only lightsource, i'm leaving that in though... for ambience

 

 

Thanks for having a somewhat thourough look Zen *hugs*

 

I've decided that I'm putting up the edited version in the Assembly room, but keep the original faulty aswell for myself. This'll sure be a lesson

Edited September 23, 2004 by Appy

[Wyvern]

I've read through what you've written of "Interwoven" so far, Appy, and like how the scene is developing. :-) I really like the pace that you've set with this scene, as it never moves too quickly and allows the reader to really get a sense of Apaltra and the people surrounding her. I found a number of Apaltra's observations and interactions excellent, as remarks such as "the beer wasn’t as bad as she thought it might be" really give some insight into her attitude and character. I also like how numerous characters and relationships have already been established in these initial segments, and look forward to seeing where the story is headed.

 

I wasn't quite as big a fan of the introductory post as I was of the posts that followed it, though I did like the detail of people singing badly. I thought the introduction of Finx in the first post was a bit confusing, and you may want to specify his appearence and breed before introducing his name. The lack of physical appearence in characters was one thing that I thought could be improved throughout the scene, as apart from Don's baldness we're not given much insight into how people look. Not to say that everyone needs a million details, but a few more details for Mandy and (most importantly) Apaltra would be nice. Finally, in the latest post, I felt that Mandy's reaction to the bag moving maintained the same slow pace as the rest of the scene, and you may want to speed up the pace of the writing at this point to show excitement and confusion.

 

Anyway, just listing a few potential recommendations. The chapter's nicely done so far, and I'll be sure to read the continuation.

[Appy]

Meep, sorry that I didn't reply to this earlier. Interwoven is on a very slow pace (as you would've noticed by now) and thus I didn't reply here either.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write this and I do agree on almost all your points. There's a reason that Finx hasn't 'shown' himself yet as he will have his big entrance soon enough.

 

I will see what I can do about the other points, since they are well-worth looking at

 

Thanks again and I'm hoping that my muse will allow me to continue soon