Running Out of Time

[Shadow of the Butterfly]

Dirt beneath her ragged nails

Dark silver coloured, chipped

Greasy hair hangs in eyes gone cloudy

Black and blue her lips are ripped

 

Vacant stares into the future

Can't contain the past

Abused, forlorn, forgotten

This child shall not last

 

Sighs escape her lips

Where joyous cries use to ring

Her life and hopes downtrodden

No reasons left to sing

 

In life there are many seasons

Of that she had no doubt

But for seasons of second chances

Time has just run out

[Loki Wyrd]

I hope you don't mind (I see that you don't have any feedback level in your decsription), but I have a few comments I'd like to make.

 

 

First off, with the last line, first stanza--I wasn't really sure what to make of it. Maybe it's just me, but it kind of seems like you were out looking for a rhyme.

 

Last line again, but second stanza this time--for some reason "shall" just doesn't sound right to me, IMO "will" feels like it fits better. But this is only an outsiders perspective on that.

 

3rd line, last stanza--you may wish to consider replacing "seasons" with "those."

 

 

Sorry if I'm no help; if you do consider any of what I said, however, then I suppose I'm happy to be of assistance.

 

Also, I don't mean to be a stickler, but try not to post more than one topic per day in the banquet hall, for clutter's sake. At least that used to be a rule of sorts. Not too many people post here, though, so it's probably not too big of a deal. What I do, if I have more than one thing to post in a day, is I usually end up just putting them all under one topic, with different posts.

 

Keep on writing!

[Tattered]

Well, if help is what you're looking for, sorry I am no expert...I don't even notice the subtle inperfections that others on here do. I am just a novice...I liked your poem, it reminds me of this homeless woman I see walking around town.