Orlan Posted July 23, 2004 Report Posted July 23, 2004 “So what exactly are we doing here again?” Tzimfemme asked. “I told you, this is our date,” Orlan said for the third time. “You won me in the Bachelor auction and that means that we’re out on a date.” “Well that makes sense but what are we doing here?” Tzimfemme pointed to the big factory that the two of them were now stalking around. It was a large building with giant glowing red neon letters that read “Illegal Chocolate Factory” and a small set of blinking yellow neon letters just a bit over it that read out “Not a.” “Well, we did chapter 36 in the Orlan Kama Sutra last week which brings us to chapter 37, ‘Downward Facing Chocolate Dog’, so I figure we could get a bit of chocolate from here.” Tzimfemme looked over at Orlan. He had on his burglary outfit on and had various breaking-and-entering utilities with him. Tzimfemme shrugged after she thought about it. It was quality time, and the previous three times through chapter 37 proved to be a bucketful of chocolate fun. “Also,” Orlan added, “I think they stole your Chocolate Miniature Machine.” “Nefarious! Villainy! Evil-lectitude!” Tzimfemme yelled. She took off with a bolt and sped at the building, Orlan following right behind her….well, not right behind her since the view behind the nekkid mage was better a few steps behind, but you get the idea. The two of them reached the back door easily and Orlan went to work picking the lock and then slipping into the building. Orlan and Tzim slipped through the various hallways and infiltrated through to a large room with giant vats of chocolate bubbling all over the place. They entered on the fourth floor of the giant room in the usual cheap-action-movie fashion onto a stable-but-easily-breakable catwalk. Orlan put out his hand as Tzimfemme started walking onto the catwalk. Many giant vats of chocolate bubbled below them. “Wait a second, something doesn’t seem right,” Orlan said. He reached into his backpack and pulled out his can of Bat-White-Chocolate-Spray and sprayed it all over before the two of them. Suddenly they could see laser beams crisscrossing over the catwalk, seen now by the small flecks of white chocolate that floated in the air. “I can do this,” Tzimfemme said. She walked up to the first set of lasers and started slipping through them á la Entrapment with Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones (Which apparently was a movie about James Bond buying a T-Mobile phone). Tzimfemme took bites out of the air as she snaked her way through the laser beams, eating the chocolate as she went. Orlan thought that she was taking the long route through the lasers just to eat the extra chocolate but after too long she made her way to the other side. “Do you see something to turn off the laser grid?” Orlan called to her. “I see something that says ‘Laser Grid Turn off Button’,” Tzimfemme said. “Sure give that a whirl, if nothing else it will throw us into a precarious situation where we will be able to meet the villainous individual who is behind this all,” Orlan said. Tzimfemme nodded and pushed the button. Sure enough when she pushed the button the catwalk gave way and tipped over, sending Orlan and Tzimfemme into a slow motion fall into the chocolate vats below. *KEEERRRSSSPPLLAAASSSHH* Orlan landed in Milk Chocolate and Tzimfemme into the Dark Chocolate. Somewhere a switch was switched, switching the vats into drain mode and the two chocolate infiltrators were drained through a series of pipes into an evil villainous office. Orlan landed right next to Tzimfemme and then suddenly she was licking the chocolate off of him for heaven forbid any of it is wasted. No wasting chocolate! “Welcome to my chocolate factory,” came a voice. Orlan watched as Wyvern turned in his chair, spinning to face the two of them. The almost-dragon stood up and took a few steps forward. “Wyvern! I should have known…especially when you left the spray painting ‘Wyvern stole the machine’ where the machine used to be,” Orlan said, standing. Tzimfemme seemed oblivious to everything and was still cleaning Orlan off. “Why did you take the machine?” “For this reason,” Wyvern said as he walked over to the machine which occupied the other side of his office. He reached into the output of the machine and grabbed hold of one of the chocolate covered figures and tossed it over to Orlan. The Sexy Sexy Man caught the chocolate in his hand and flipped it over to see that it was a in the figure of Wyvern but unlike the other ones that Tzimfemme had made for Wyvern, these smelled differently. Orlan bit off a little piece of the chocolate and found that it was flavored with the ultimate taboo…..it was vanilla chocolate! (just go with me people) “No!” Orlan said. “Vanilla, the antithesis of chocolate!” Orlan paused, looking at Wyvern with one eye. “Antithesis is correct, right?” Wyvern reached over and thumbed through a dictionary that was on top of his desk. “Yeah, antithesis is right,” Wyvern said. “YES!” the almost dragon cried out. “I will corner the market by using the ultimate evil of chocolate and I will be rich! Rich! RICH! I will be the one true rule of chocolate! I will have all those who love both chocolate and vanilla under my thumb able to do with them what I wish. I can turn them into my evil army of subordinates, making them do against their will and become mindless slaves of the demon god ChocoVanilla! Together he and I shall rule the world (of chocolate) and think of the profits! I could easily flood into the market with my overpriced merchandise but make people think they’re getting a good deal out of it. Then when they get addicted to it all, since the first hit is always free, I could easily jack up the prices once…twice….even thrice! I can then build more machines and make more chocolate and have more evilness to expunge upon the worlds around me. Then when everything is under my control I’ll move into fruits and make an apple that tastes like a vanilla bean and market that to those on the modified Atkins’ Diet. They’ll think that it’s good for them but I’ll show them that it makes them bloated and fat and they can’t use it for long. Then when they come crying to me I’ll make the Wyvern diet which involves German potato salad and a small man in lederhosen. Once that works then I’ll….hey where’d everything go?” During Wyvern’s tirade, Orlan and Tzimfemme had slipped away with the machine. All that was left was an electric pickle with a timer attached to it. The timer clicked down… 3 2 1.8763 1 …BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!! WILL TZIMFEMME AND ORLAN SURVIVE AND GET OUT OF THE BUILDING IN TIME? WILL WYVERN’S EVIL SCHEME BE THWARTED ENOUGH? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON…..what….there’s no next time…oh… Well Tzim and Orlan made it out of course. They turned the infinite bag of holding inside out and walked through the walls and Wyvern….well he got distracted by another evil money making scheme and his tryst with vanilla wound up on the cutting room floor. …and there was some chocolate lovin too…but that goes without saying. A date with Orlan equals fun with Chocolate!
Quincunx Posted July 23, 2004 Report Posted July 23, 2004 It's odd, but floating in the middle of that field of white chocolate flecks, I could have sworn I saw a floating cherry and several marshmallowy ghosty thingys.
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