DoomGaze Posted July 22, 2004 Report Posted July 22, 2004 A piece I wrote 3 months ago... about a girl i liked... The Seven Words ======================== I watch you in these days From a distance, In hopes to find Your emerald eyes. They captivated me, When I saw them. I was in love. The tempest of emotions, Freed me from my chains. But then again, I was lost And it got me nowhere. I fell to the ground And crawled on the floor. I was suffering. My feelings were still there, But they are now dying flames, Compared to the inferno They once were. Past thoughts of you Have lost their wings. I wasn't winning. They screamed endlessly, Falling into nowhere Losing all their meaning. They broke through the barrier, Unable to defy gravity.... Not any more. I was nothing, Just try to remember me, Even though it may be hard to do. I've been gone too long, Said nothing inbetween those times, Because of that, I want to leave. But before I go, One thing was true. I was once in love with you.
Peredhil Posted July 22, 2004 Report Posted July 22, 2004 Ouch. Or in other words, DoomGaze, this was a well written piece.
purple_shadows Posted July 23, 2004 Report Posted July 23, 2004 I liked this poem a lot. The concept of Seven word was interesting. What I have to critique however is the mixed metaphores. there aren't many but the spots where you find them is a bit of a stumbling block The tempest of emotions, Freed me from my chains. But then again, I was lost And it got me nowhere. I fell to the ground And crawled on the floor. I was suffering. QWhile this is probably my favorite stanza, the first line doesn't really fit. Storms don't exactly free you. And wouldn't that much emotion simply chain you more? But maybe thats just me. In anycase, I'd find something else to compare emotion to that would fit with being freed, or unchained, or what have you. I love the poem, keep up the good work.
Ayshela Posted July 23, 2004 Report Posted July 23, 2004 cannot chains be burst? or pulled loose from their anchors? Personally, i did not find that at all out of place. Echoing Peredhil - ouch. Well done.
purple_shadows Posted July 23, 2004 Report Posted July 23, 2004 well, of course chains can be burst, but that would require something other than a tempest. While a tepest wouild have the strength, i don't think it would have the right kind of streangth. Wind and rain, and thunder wouldn't do much more than slowly corrode chains over time...And then you'd be soaking wet and probably have hypothermia (sp?) or at least a really bad cold.
Ayshela Posted July 23, 2004 Report Posted July 23, 2004 if the chains were purely physical, perhaps so perhaps not
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