Amusement d'été

[Katzaniel]

It's been a while since I wrote this, but I remember being quite proud of it at the time (the assignment, I believe, was a paragraph in french about our summer... I was bored by the task and made it into a poem) so I figure, why not support the Manor of Tongues by posting a little something? If anyone who speaks french better than me is willing to help me edit it into something worthwhile, I'd appreciate the opportunity to refresh those old skills. Thanks!

 

Il n'y a pas longtemps

Que mon père et ma manan,

Ils ont pris mes amis et moi

Nous avons voyager à ma cabane.

 

Nous avons marché aux échasses,

Et on a fait la natation dans l'eau.

Nous avons rôti des hot-dogs

Et on a fait le bateau.

 

Nous avons fait le tube gonflable,

Et nous avions de grandes fêtes.

J'ai sauté dans le lac;

Ensuite, j'ai perdu mes lunettes.

[Lady Celes Crusader]

I volunteer to help you up with this, however, I'd like to have what you wanted to say in English (if you remember it). Bur from what I read, it does look cute and the mistakes are subtle, most of the time. This will be a first version and I'll write why I do these corrections.

 

Il n'y a pas longtemps

Mon papa et ma maman, (a)

Emmenèrent mes amis et moi (

Nous avons voyager à ma cabane.©

 

Nous avons marché aux échasses, ©

Nous avons aussi beaucoup nager dans l'eau (d)

Nous avons rôti des hot-dogs

Et on a fait le bateau. ©

 

Nous avons fait le tube gonflable,©

Et nous avions de grandes fêtes.

J'ai sauté dans le lac;

Ah zut! J'ai perdu mes lunettes. (e)

 

(a)When we designated our parents it's either the familair "Papa et Maman" or the most distant "Père et Mère", we don't mix. I remove "Que" so we can have the same syllable count.

( Emmener is the verb that means "to take to". However, I have to pull it in the "Passé simple" instead of the "Passé Composé" that the whole poem is for keeping the syllable count.

©I need more precision about this phrase.

(d) I've rewrote the whole sentence because we'd rather avoid phrases starting with "Et". Also, we rarely use the word "natation" with "dans l'eau".

(e) Two things: while tolerated in rimes, êtes and ettes dont sound identical, but it's not a big issue here so we can easily left this it. However, it would be fun if you write something that will replace the "Ensuite" with an interjection. For now it sounds like "Then, I lost my glasses". I suggest to turn it into something like "Ah smooch! I lost my glasses"

 

I like how it starts, you're telling your public that Mom and Dad are bringing you and your friends at a shack in a lively manner. However, the middle and last part of the poem are an activities listing. I would regroup phrases like "J'ai sauté dans le lac." with "Nous avons beaucoup nager dans l'eau."

 

If you want to make it something worthwhile, expect some work ahead.

[Katzaniel]

What I write in english will hopefully be the secondary concern. Obviously when I wrote it I wasn't paying too much attention to syllables but I'm much more aware of that now, and don't want to edit it too far away from that.. (at least I'm staying between 6 and 11 ) and the rhyme is the most important part, it needs to rhyme in french. Nevertheless, a rough translation (the original version):

 

It wasn't long ago

When my father and mother

Took my friends and myself

We travelled to my cabin.

 

We walked on stilts,

And went swimming in the water.

We roasted hot dogs

And went on a boat.

 

We used the inner tube,

And we had a lot of fun.

I jumped in the lake,

then I lost my glasses.

 

(as in, jumping in the lake resulted in losing the glasses)

 

It does look pretty boring, doesn't it? As for your edits...

a) Absolutely. I doubt I would have noticed that, but it seems obvious now. Thank you. Also, I wouldn't have known that one could remove "que" and still have it work.

I'm a little lost on this. If you changed the tense, isn't that a big deal? And what's wrong with fewer syllables in that line?

c) I take it I used some words wrong on these?

d) So even when completing an already started sentence, you don't start with "et"? Unfortunately by changing that, we add to the repetition, and I don't think it's good repetition here. Could we just remove the "nous avons" from this line and start is right at "aussi", or it that taboo as well? It would help the syllable count at any rate.

e) I wish there was a way to hear you pronouncing it. While I know my spoken french is horrible, when I say it, it's the same... As for the "ensuite", I agree wholeheartedly. It really begs for something interesting, there if nowhere else.

 

I will take a second look at rephrasing some things, maybe redoing some lines entirely (especially the last paragraph, which could certainly tell the tale better), but not today or tomorrow. I just wanted to let you know that I am interested in working on this. Thanks!

[Lady Celes Crusader]

Cute, I inadvertly found out the board's shorcut for the copyright symbol.

 

Well, we could probably spice up part two and three. Now, I'll answer to the issues raised in the point.

 

a) Removing the "que" not only works but makes the first to sentences more dynamic (what is vers in English?)

b ) Well, in French there's five ways to write a verb in past tense. So it is recommended to use only one of them and be consistent with it. Now, since the syllable count must be between 6 to 11, I probably switch it back to the "Passé Composé" that is consistent already in this poem.

c) Well, some sentences looked weird that I wasn't sure what you meant. For example "Et on a fait le bateau" looked like "And we did the boat". With the English translation, it'll be easier to suggest an alternative that translates better what you've said.

d) Aussi is a good alternative and it'll add a variation as well. Although for poetry, you can start with an "Et" since if you do continue your sentence to the other line.

e) I did find some links with wav for some pronounciations, problem is that in France êtes and ettes sounds identical while in Québec we do pronounce êtes and ettes differently. But it can be describe as it: êtes sounds like "êêêêêêtes while the e in ettes is brief.

 

Take your time, we're not in a hurry here.