Mira Posted July 11, 2004 Report Posted July 11, 2004 Ms. America sing to me, your sweet sickly song Ms. America scream at me, whenever I am wrong. Ms. America ask of me, to die for higher cause. Ms. America chastise me for breaking fickle laws. Ms. America watch over me, as I lie in my bed Ms. America spy on me, and steal the thoughts from out my head. Ms. America, oh maiden fair Who has no single fault Your sons and daughters stand proud for you Your sins they must exult.
Xaious, Master of Time Posted July 11, 2004 Report Posted July 11, 2004 *clapping* Bravo, bravo. "Ms. America watch over me, as I lie in my bed Ms. America spy on me, and steal the thoughts from out my head." The only thing I can think of is that part for needing work. If you could find a way to shorten it, it would flow better, in my opinion. Maybe "steal the thoughts of my head" might work? I like it though.
Salinye Posted July 12, 2004 Report Posted July 12, 2004 Wow, Mira. What a great idea for a poem! I agree with Xaious' suggestion and really really liked this one. Kudos to you, my friend. ~Salinye
Crichon Posted July 13, 2004 Report Posted July 13, 2004 I'm not very good with poetry and stuff, and I know I'm new around here, so I hope no one gets angered at any suggestions I might post. It is a great theme, I really do like it, albeit a bit political. I agree with Xaious suggestion, but for the line, steal the thoughts from my head seems like it would sound better than of my head. But just my opinion, again I don't want to upset anyone. Overall it was a really good poem. I'm glad I stumbled on this website today
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