Jade Posted July 6, 2004 Report Posted July 6, 2004 My eyes ache with desperation My ears fill with despair My hands grasp at nothing The scent of indiscernible bodies The taste of stale air Hush When the silence wraps Its cool arms around you Pulling you closer Maybe you can hear it The noise that accompanied me Like a stolen cloak Hush And maybe the noise will stumble closer The wrathful shrieks Make my hair stand up Like uniform rows of terrified soldiers The woman that made the noise— She walked with me always Hush I can hear her now still Her violent disappointment Controlling the silences That I so envied Manipulating my sanity Because I knew she was there Phantom of my pain Hush Because this woman I could not know As she existed only In the dark recesses of myself Is calling for me And I am dying to listen Darkness in the bright of day Wraps its warm arms Around my body. Shiver in fascination At pain I can not feel. Shrink below the streets, Dream only of Walking above the pipes. Safety in darkness Can not be breached. Deep Where imagination is a stranger, Imprison light. Never share the Last glimmer Do not: Speak, Write, Think, It could be lost. Selfish tides of Well-meaning friends Intoxicated by greed Stealing my escape. Tapping aimlessly rhythms of lost beats and forgotten rhythms Stand before you, a fucking whore A name that I've lost contact with Beaten and bloodied from endless invisible battles with allies In which my comrades lash with ferocity Crippling my last heroic stand Before I crumble in a series of careless acts Crying to the one that I should ignore Because his fruitless attempts stir only pity And I desire only the relationships I can not have Endlessly in conflict every word contested for honesty and legitimacy But I speak so honestly that every truth is lost with the next Ice breaking and melting with the cracking of my teeth Until truth and lies become only what is right and what is wrong Each nuance of goodness betrayed by my honesty Confusion betrays and my conscious weeps Please, constructive criticism.
Regel Posted July 7, 2004 Report Posted July 7, 2004 There is much to like about this Jade. It is jagged in places but I am not sure that is unintentional. I like the use of five senses in the opening but I wonder if the repetition works for others and just not for me. Hush! requires a pause (IMO) and the following verses that start Hush could be varied just a little to create a little more interest. For example: Hush! When the silence wraps Its cool arms around you Pulling you closer Maybe you can hear it The noise that accompanied me Like a stolen cloak Hush now. And maybe the noise will stumble closer The wrathful shrieks Make my hair stand up Like uniform rows of terrified soldiers The woman that made the noise— She walked with me always Hush now little one. I can hear her now still Her violent disappointment Controlling the silences That I so envied Manipulating my sanity Because I knew she was there Phantom of my pain Hush now child and don't cry, Because this woman I could not know As she existed only In the dark recesses of myself Is calling for me And I am dying to listen I struggled to understand to whom the work spoke to and then it struck me that it is self talk. Some what destructive self talk with a brutal critic slashing words around the room like child throwing a tantrum. The last two paragraghs speak of an emotional malstrom where confusion, hurt, betrayal, anger, hatred, and sorrow bang into each other until the reader can't tell where one ends and the other begins. It is very strong in it's theme, use of language and ambitious, but it could be more. I hope I was constructive. Didn't mean to hijack the story to bend it into something you hadn't intended. If I did I am sorry.
cryptomancer Posted July 7, 2004 Report Posted July 7, 2004 This I like, maybe because I see the eternal conflict with self, over actions and reactions, ending in the pain and frastration when things go down a path other than the one chosen. True the flow seemed to me on first reading to be the flow of a tantrum, but it was this flow that made me re-read it and look deeper at the imagery. The use of the same word, "hush," to start consecutive stanzas gives a calming rhythm to the frantic 'tantrum' of the first part, and the flow is brough to a point where in the last two stanzas the frustration, anger, and pain ebb away leaving the true cause visible, saddness and lonelyness, born of a painfull conflict, yet to be resolved fully. Thank you.
Jade Posted July 8, 2004 Author Report Posted July 8, 2004 Thank you for your comments, evaluations, and advice. "Hush" is largely self-talk and I did like the idea of variations on the first line, but still maintaining the repitition. I will eventually begin to revise, but not for a while. Thanks again.
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