Yuki Kokoro Posted July 3, 2004 Report Posted July 3, 2004 This might be trash but I'm really not up to judging so I figured I'd just share it. I unashamedly admit that this is purging (though I have done some editing), rather than high art and this topic has been done to death. So feel free to critique, but please don’t rip them apart. Later I might post in the Writer's Workshop when I look at them again and decide whether to rework them or not. Explanation: First one is a purely emotional response, the second is a description in the hopes that the details will inspire emotion, something Wyvern has mentioned. Obviously I didn't take out all of the emotion, but whatever. My teeth chatter as the screen blurs through my tears More pain, tears and heart has gone into this than anything I’ve been through before …and now it’s over But the pain doesn’t stop The crying doesn’t stop The longing doesn’t stop So why did I even do it The reasons seem so worthless now Though I go through all this pain Youth is painful Youth heartbreak more so And right now I wish I could leave it Abandon it, deceive it Convince it I’m ok That I’ll be fine A hundred billion million have been through this before But I want to scream it out anyway Insist I hurt the most No one else loves this deeply this young No one else has been in love with the same frustrating horrible wonderful man I have I want pity, I want sympathy I want everyone to look at me And exclaim “how brave she is, To do this, to go through this” But all my thoughts will do is whimper And all my heart will do is cry ~~~~~~ You asked me to call today, Saying we needed to talk I didn’t want to have a serious talk Just like I haven’t been wanting to recently Knowing when it ends I am likely to be crying For one reason or another But I called You expressed disappointment that we wouldn’t be able to see each other this weekend I agreed And I really was sad I still love seeing you Just not as much as I used to You were hurt I hadn’t been calling you as much anymore You knew I’d been busy, and visiting family But even I know I could’ve looked harder and found the time You said that when only one person is trying, There isn’t much of a relationship I agreed Resisting the urge to remind you of all the times you’d promised to try And fell through You asked what was going on “Do you still want to be a couple?” And my heart cracked Because I didn’t know And I told you so ‘I still love doing things with you’ ‘When I'm sad I still want a hug from you' ‘But no longer a kiss’ ‘I still love talking to you’ ‘But I’m not as excited to tell you every little thing that happened during my day’ “That’s kind of what I figured” I could hear the sigh in your voice “Can I call you back?” And I said yes And for twenty minutes my heart broke Thinking of the wonderful times we’ve had And would never have again You called back And there was silence ‘I don’t know what to say’ Spoken with a broken voice, Coming from a broken heart “I don’t know what to do” You reply “I guess it’s a shame it didn’t happen earlier” “Have fun in college I suppose” “May you have a good life” ‘I hope to at least talk to you again’ “It’s really up to you” “But I don’t think I’ll ever call you” “This last month you haven’t even been much of a friend” Heart begins to shatter ‘I’m very sorry’ “You’re forgiven I guess?” Heart shatters further ‘I have the best wishes and hopes for you as well’ “See you around” ‘I hope s-’ “Goodbye” ‘Goodb-’ Click. And the pieces fall Cutting all the way down The next section, minus the last four lines was originally between "Click" and the final two lines. But I decided I liked the poem better without it so now it's just going to hang out until I decide what to do with it. … You promised me once You said we could still be friends And we'd still talk No matter what happened I promised I’d love you forever Even if we went our separate ways And I do You said the same Said you wouldn’t cut me completely out Now your bitterness and hurt kills me Because I know you’ll bottle it inside And I know it will kill you too And I’m no longer in a position to help That hurts perhaps worst of all
Yuki Kokoro Posted July 3, 2004 Author Report Posted July 3, 2004 More thoughts on the same topic: You and I broke up today I suppose the end was inevitable But still it hurt I cried for a while Then whimpered for a while Then sniffled for a while Then felt more calm I thought I was doing ok until I said it aloud That we were no longer together And the tears came back ~~~~~~~ My life is littered with memories of you I still have your letterman’s jacket You told me I could keep it no matter what happened That you didn’t want it back I have your pillow It sits among mine, the odd one out, but the one I sleep with most often I have two of your shirts And I sleep with them too, as nightshirts A picture of the two of us sits in my living room We smile and my arms are wrapped around your neck (possible only because you are sitting) I have all the emails we’ve exchanged Saved in a folder, never to be deleted I have the notes you’ve written me Sitting on a shelf between my poetry books The email I sent you on our one year anniversary is still in my writing folder And oddly enough I am in no hurry to get rid of these things, or forget them I want to remember Although one day I’m sure I’ll offer, Asking if you want your things back For now I’ll hold them And sleep with them And remember
Falcon2001 Posted July 3, 2004 Report Posted July 3, 2004 For someone who adamantly refused to write any poetry at all for such a long time, your initial venture for The Pen is an amazing piece that reminds of several different artists, including some of my own work. Analysis part one: The freeform style of this works extremely well - there is a structure to it, but not one a structure that confines, but more of one that defines. The second stanza also interjects with the ending line of the first stanza "And now it's over" very well. I find myself thinking that you're moving on and then suddenly realizing that the writer was just saying that logically while emotionally the moment was still extremely vivid and real. The feeling of "Oh god what did I do?" are clearly intermixed with "Oh god it's already happened, why did I do this, but I'm already onto the pain part - I guess I have to deal with it." I'm going to do analysis of more later, I have to leave just now. Just so you know, I think you are brave, and strong, to go through this. *hugs*
Gryphon Posted July 8, 2004 Report Posted July 8, 2004 (edited) I cant analyse this, I'm not qualified and I dont have the necessary skills. But I can tell you how I respond on an emotional level to it: I feel a remembered pain on reading what you've written - I share the emotion contained in the words, and selfishly (regrettable I know), I hope for my own heart and yours that this is a set of feelings that I never have to encounter again. I daresay everyone will experience something like this once, it is my hope that we all find someone to be so happy with that we never have to experience it again. Edited July 8, 2004 by Gryphon
reverie Posted August 8, 2004 Report Posted August 8, 2004 *bump... hmm, I agree with falcon, the free form just seems to work... especially in the first set... The raw emotion comes through to me as the waves of prolonged heartache surge back and forth... I like the viewpoint shifts?...in the second poem. A mix of Declaring-Answering-Reflecting-w/Description-Conversation type thing... hmm, I can almost hear the 'silent sigh' in a lot of it... well chin up and all that... revery the dreamlost "...Embrace your brain, with all it's pain" the dream continues...
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