Katzaniel Posted July 2, 2004 Report Posted July 2, 2004 Pink My-Little-Ponies, braided manes glistening in the candlelight like a victorious ray of sunlight on the snow. Green and soiled army men stacked on the floor, twisted limbs entwining like the uneaten noodles drawing flickering shadows on the patterned tablecloth. Grey clouds in the sky bring mirroring emotions to the grown man and woman imitating the toy soldiers, their meal not yet cold. Red numbers on the microwave count the pittering rain, as the emerging shower turns sighs of bliss into uniform sighs of desperation. White phone brings the undesired news amid breathless descriptions of almost-goals and grass-stained jeans. Black tires skim through water along the pebble-ridden street, marking one long tally for another dissapointing evening.
Regel Posted July 7, 2004 Report Posted July 7, 2004 Blue am I that no one has responded yet to this work. Purple am I turning while I hold my breath waiting for another to respond.
WrenWind Posted July 7, 2004 Report Posted July 7, 2004 Intresting style. When I read through this the first time I felt breathless and confused. I like it though and the reread was much better.
Wyvern Posted July 21, 2004 Report Posted July 21, 2004 I really like this poem, Katzaniel, and particularly admire it for its provocative and original details. The amount of detail you put into the imagery of the poem really grabbed my attention, and made for a very interesting and thought-provoking read. At the same time, however, I also echo Wrenwinds comments in that, while I found the imagery amazing, I also found it overwhelming at times. So many details have been crammed into each line that at times I found myself losing track of the subject that the lines were referring to, and you might want to pace some of the lines better to help improve this. Never the less, I greatly appreciated the amount of detail you used throughout, as it really caused the poem to stand out and gave it a unique feel. Very good poem, overall.
Peredhil Posted July 21, 2004 Report Posted July 21, 2004 I thought it was just fine, myself. But then, I think in pictures with emotional overtones, and analogies anyway, so you were "speaking my language" in a way. Effective use of colors to bind the diverse concepts together and present them as a whole. *hugs* -P'
Katzaniel Posted July 21, 2004 Author Report Posted July 21, 2004 Thank you, all. I appreciate the comments. I don't think I will rework this particular piece, but due to the positive feedback I may decide to reuse the style in a later work. Thanks!
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