The Portrait of Zool Posted June 23, 2004 Report Posted June 23, 2004 Startling bright sky and furious sun made brighter by the light in her eye She sings the sensual song above sea cleaving bow that breaks the waves and catches the wind, always forward does it blow. At night the lonely oceans call a starstreams silent sight, caress her magic constellations, releasing her golden light. her heart ringing a bell-like note out across the waves where golden tresses float. From her earthen step wild flowers spring and keep the love that I am knowing I pray to calm seas reveal Where this ship is going forever quit The dark squalls we are sowing From dark night, and distant land Far off shore, seductively calling...
Salinye Posted June 23, 2004 Report Posted June 23, 2004 Doth mine eyes decieve me? Did Zool post some poetry? What a LOVELY treat! My weakest form of writing is poetry, which is ironic since I have quite a poetic heart. I lack the technique and structure. However, thanks to The Pen and Alaeha's poetry classes, I can only get better. That being said, I'm not really qualified to critique poetry, but what I can tell you is two things. First, I really liked the poem. I am a romantic to the core, so I enjoyed it. Secondly, from a technique standpoint, I really liked how you made lines A & C not rhyme while B & D always did. I've never thought of doing that before. I like how it broke it up and flowed. Lastly, if I were to say anything to change, (which again, you might want to get more opinions as mine aren't as educated in this area) it would be that while loving the wording in the last stanza, it felt a little bit like the flow stopped with a jerk. I'm not sure why, though, because as I said, I really liked the wording. Anyway, I don't know if any of that makes sense, but these are the thoughts of a sick (*input hacking and sneezing here*) Salinye who is a fan of your work. :0) ~Salinye
The Portrait of Zool Posted June 23, 2004 Author Report Posted June 23, 2004 You are right! How about that ending?
Salinye Posted June 23, 2004 Report Posted June 23, 2004 Now THAT is a fabulous ending. :0) I especially think "seductively calling" is AWESOME wording to end on. Nice Job, Zoolio. ~Salinye
Finnius Posted June 24, 2004 Report Posted June 24, 2004 Well, having just read this piece, I really liked it. Like Sal, I'm a romantic at heart, and the imagery oozes sweetness and gushy feelings. Maybe 'oozes' wasn't the best choice of words there... It has a welcome grace and a natural feel to it. Mighty good stuff, Zool, mighty good. Welcome back to the active writing.
Gwaihir Posted June 24, 2004 Report Posted June 24, 2004 This is gorgeous. 'seductively calling' was definitely what caught me most.
WrenWind Posted June 25, 2004 Report Posted June 25, 2004 Well done She sings the sensual song above sea cleaving bow that breaks the waves and catches the wind, always forward does it blow. My favorite stanza
Wyvern Posted June 27, 2004 Report Posted June 27, 2004 I also really like this poem, Zool. As others have noted, it has a very romantic feel to it, and seems to touch upon a kind of sublime love. My personal favorite stanza of the poem is the third stanza, as I found the line "caress her magic constellations" a very original detail. In terms of potential improvements: when reading the third stanza, I continouosly feel like replacing "releasing" with "release," as that might maintain the rhythm of the stanza a bit better. Nice work.
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