Kendricke Posted June 18, 2004 Report Posted June 18, 2004 The street is hard beneath her feet as she walks with unsure angry strides. The weight of this night pulls at her as she tries to form a smile that hides. No one blames her but herself but that's too much for her tonight. No one understands her frustration at least not least not quite. The sidealk's hard beneath her feet as she walks it crack by crack. The early morning's darkness holds her and she tries to fight it back. No one blames her but herself but that's too much for her tonight. No one understands her frustration at least not least not quite.
Regel Posted June 19, 2004 Report Posted June 19, 2004 Welcome back Kendricke, Always a good read but especially so this time. There is a certain economy of words to this work but it succeeds in setting the mood and framing a picture. Questions? Plenty of those around. Answers? Left for the reader to surmise. No one blames her but herself but that's too much for her tonight. No one understands her frustration at least not least not quite. This part speaks volumes.
Parmenion Posted June 19, 2004 Report Posted June 19, 2004 Words well worked. I hope they formed a comforting cloak for the shoulders of your friend...I trust of course you showed it to her?
Wyvern Posted June 19, 2004 Report Posted June 19, 2004 I like this poem, Kendricke, and thought that it set a hopeless tone and conveyed the emotions of the subject very well. I particularly like the ambivalence of the repeated phrase "at least not least not quite," which adds to the confusion and desperation of the woman of the poem nicely. In terms of potential improvements, the line "No one understands her frustration" in the repeated stanza lacks a bit of the rhythm found throughout the rest of the poem to me, as it has two more syllables than the line it's coupled with: "No one blames her but herself." Perhaps if frustration were replaced with a shorter word, it could flow a bit more smoothly. Also, there's a small spelling in the word "sidewalk" in the third stanza. Good poem.
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