My Novel

[Salinye]

Okay, I've had pieces of this book in short story form. It is only now that I finally am starting to put it into novel form. It's more important for me to actually get the story out of me and into writing than it is to have everything perfect, so you may find a lot of errors and editing needs, I just find I have a hard time wrestling with both aspects and winning both wars!

 

BUT I really would like feedback. :0) If any of you are proofreaders, I'd love correction, but would prefer that sort of thing in pm's and I plan to edit as I go. I edit pieces I've previously written better than when I'm in the middle of plotting the scenario for that piece. Does that make any sense?

 

As for other types of feedback, I'd love it here. :0) Just the harsh proofreading stuff like "I hate to shred this entire post, BUT...this is what you need..." I'd love that sort of critique in pm. :0)

 

Anyway, I hope it pulls together well and look forward to see if anyone follows the story and what they think. :0)

 

~Salinye

[RandomTarget#22]

To be pefrectly honest and perfectly objective. Through two quick reads (in other words, take what I say lightly), I felt that there were some sections in which you REALLY knew what you wanted to say, how you wanted to say it and how you wanted it to effect people, and some where you didn't quite know. It seems that many sections are just there to set up other sections. The parts you were leading up to, were excellent, and the rest was very good too. However, on the less conhesive sections, you seemed to be struggling with both what to say and how to say it, and your prose ended up sloppy because of it. Figure out a way to make every paragraph, every line mean something, and you'll really have something. Of course, also being a first draft, I'm sure alot of details will be filled in as they're written later in the story. All in all, excellent.

Edited June 19, 2004 by RandomTarget#22

[Tanuchan]

I enjoyed the reading, Salinye. I think it's a very good beginning, though I can't say much more without more of the story, really. There are some things that caught my attention but, as I'm not sure if they are the "proofreader's stuff", I'll be PMing you about them.

 

Looking forward to more!

 

~Tanny

Edited June 19, 2004 by Tanuchan

[Salinye]

Tanny, your suggestions were much appreciated and valuable. I'll be making some changes. :0) I also responded to you.

 

Thanks to you both!

 

~Salinye

[Wyvern]

Salinye,

 

I recently read the prelude to your novel and think that it's a really excellent beginning! The deep internal and external conflicts of the opening scene really grabbed my attention, and the dialogue of both Shanara and her assassin was great. There also seem to be several interesting relationships established between the different characters, though they're only hinted at in this first scene. I look forward to learning more about the characters in the continuation of the novel, and am particularly interested in the fate of Shyani.

 

In terms of minor complaints/potential improvements: I didn't really like when it was noted that the killer was darkened by "the evil within him," as that's simply telling something that has already been conveyed by showing for the most part. Also, I think that the last line might read better as "The fallen elf grabbed his head between his hands, and howled in agony and rage," as "howling in agony and rage" suggests that there might be another conclusive sentence.

 

Great stuff, can't wait for the continuation! .

[Salinye]

Thanks, Wyvern. I took your suggestion about the last line and made an edit. :0)

 

I have a question about your other suggestion. I realize that it is stating something that has already taken place, and am considering removing it. However, my thought is this: I'm going to be showing in this novel how goodly races, such as the elves will sometimes actually physically change and darken in appearance when they allow dark evils and magics to rule their lives. Which is why Shanara didn't recognize her attacker until the very end.

 

I left a lot of mystery in the prelude on purpose, but do you think that my point later will still hit home when they think of that first event in the prelude, even if I take that line out? I may let it sit as some of the story developes and then decide whether it should stay or go later. Let me know what you think of that. :0)

 

I love and appreciate all the kind and honest feedback, both here and in pm's! This story is very important to me. Thanks to all who have helped me so far!

 

~Salinye

[Salinye]

Okay, It's been like 6 weeks, but my muse fought me terribly that whole time. However, I was finally able to post the next section. All thoughts and comments are welcome. :0)

 

~Salinye

[Salinye]

One thing to note, for anyone who is following this story. Each time after I get the story line of a post written down, then I'll be going back and adding details etc. For instance, I feel like since my second post is an introductory post, that i need to add more details about the deities, how I am painting the elven race and also the world.

 

So, I'll post here when I have those details reworked. :0)

 

~Salinye

[Salinye]

Okay, so I reworked the latest post completely. I changed some things around, added about 350 words of details that I feel were lacking in an introductory post. I still have some reworking I'll do later when I'm more confident in my deity structure, but for now I'll let it sit like it is. As always, all comments and critique are welcome and appreciated.

 

~Salinye

[Katzaniel]

I haven't read your editted version yet, but I had only one substantial concern, and that was in the prologue. I found it confusing when the point of view seemed to be from the female, then for a paragraph switched to the elf and then back again. Unless I misinterpreted? Like I said, I found that part confusing. I think I tend to confuse easily sometimes, though, so it's really up to you if you think there needs to be any changes. If you're not sure where I mean then I'll quote it, but it was near the start.

 

Otherwise, yays for Sal's novel!

[Gyrfalcon]

Two scribes, one male and one female sat to either side of her, parchment and quill in hand.

During the winter months when there were no harvests to be reaped, they prepared warm meals of meat, such as lamb, venison, poultry and beef along with steamed vegetables and home baked breads to show how abundantly blessed they were throughout the cold season when Ka’Thor, the god of the storms, ruled.

“The beauty of the new life should not be outshone by inanimate objects.”

Pitan laughed at the holy woman’s good-humored ribbing and winked. “Ahh now, that is sacred information that I am forbidden to reveal!”

Otherwise, very good. I like the detail you added to section. I want to know mooooooore!

[Wyvern]

I like the latest entry in your story, Salinye, and think that your novel is progressing nicely. The numerous details you use, such as the reference to the goddess of the river L'uinda when the elves feast upon fish and the tone of "obvious adoration" found in Velohna's voice when she examines Ellowyn, really breath life into the story and make it an interesting and accessible read. The twist of Velohna noticing that Lendarion has been born with "Navox's touch" was also very intriguing, as her needing to mask her emotions in order to not upset Lendarion's parents was an interesting conflict.

 

In terms of potential improvements in this entry: there were certain moments where I found that facts were told in a very direct manner when they could be shown through details. An example of this might be in the first paragraph, when it's noted: "The men in turn carried oak leaves, or walked with ceremonial oaken staves. The oak, being the strongest tree in the forest, offering protection as much of their village was housed within it’s branches. It represents the strength and protective nature of masculinity. Together the lily and the oak leaf represent balance in all things." In this segment, several facts are directly told, including how oak trees are the stongest tree, how they offer protection to peoples houses, how they represent strength and masculinity, and how they represent balance when combined with the lily. While it's fine to use telling occasionally to quickly move past elements of setting, it's often far more intriguing when the facts are shown through details. For example, in the segment previously noted, rather than directly telling how the village was housed within oak tree branches, you could describe a few of the houses surrounding the feasting grounds to show it. Instead of telling what the oak leaves represent, perhaps you could offer a bit of dialogue between a younger and an older elf, with the older one explaining elven traditions to the younger one. These are only suggestions, mind you, as telling when used in moderation can work well... but showing always tends to grab peoples attention better, and can really draw them into the story. Interestingly, I noticed that around the seventh paragraph of the entry, you started using much less telling and focussed on showing details more, which was very well done.

 

Very good story so far, I await the next entry with baited breath.

[Salinye]

Thanks for the detailed thoughts. :0) I'll have to analyze the paragraphs and see where I might be able to improve some of them with some more "showing of details" rather than telling. You make some good points.

 

Thanks so much to everyone who comments, you have no idea how much it helps me!

 

*hugs*

 

~Salinye

[Valdar and Astralis]

Not enough ear refferences! \O_o/!

 

I kid! I kid!

 

One thing I particularly like about your writing is the ability to incoprate so much detail without degrading into boredrem. Also, your characters have the ability to carry out intelligant, non one-line conversations.

 

You lay a very mysterious foundation for your story. . .and any story with pointyears is sure to snatch my attention.